Hey Mom,

Hey Mom,

I know it's been a couple of years since we've seen each other. Even though I don't live far away, it's been hard to catch a break. I miss you, dad, and everyone else. I hope all is well.

Schooling has been successful for me though. I'll be graduating soon, and I hope I'll see you there. I'm currently looking for jobs at local fire departments for when I'm ready to start working. I address this to you, though, because I have a confession and no idea when I will be able to come and visit. Telling you this through text doesn't feel right and I lack the courage to say it out loud. Writing sounds like a good start because expressing my feelings out loud is a weak point for me.

My confession is about why I decided to leave the church. Yes, I have given you a couple of reasons. But this is an addition to how uncomfortable the church history makes me feel, and the lack of openness to those who are different. What you don't know is that the church has a big part in my mental issues now. The beliefs and lifestyle caused a lot of stress in my life. I HAD to be perfect. I COULDN'T make any mistakes. I was a BAD person if I made a mistake. I was a BAD person if I did pratically anything that could be "wrong". Such as an "inappropriate" thought, holding a grudge too long, or having any doubts, wasn't fully honest. I lived every day in a state of anxiety and self-judgment. It drove me to the point of unintentionally judging others for doing things that human beings do. It drove me to the point of constant depression and questioning my worth as a human being. I felt I wasn't worthy to go on those trips to the temple for completely normal things. I didn't know what I believed. I stood behind the church for the things they say on the surface but I did not think until later how wrong everything was under the surface. People should be able to love who they love. I should be able to support them fully without my beliefs holding me back.

I was a child when I was told I wasn't worthy to go to the temple. That I had a problem. I was a CHILD, who was honest because I thought I was doing the right thing. Turns out, you can't trust adults to guide you. I shouldn't have been told I had to work on myself. I should have been told that what was happening to me was normal. That everything I felt was valid and that those feelings DID NOT make me a bad person.

That is why I left mom. At first, I started to leave because I was doing things that weren't agreeable with their beliefs. I did not plan on changing anytime soon. I felt guilty for that. I felt like the scum of the earth for letting my "natural man" "take over" me. Being "led astray" by satan. I then realized that- I was normal. I was not a bad person for having normal feelings. It took me a long time, too long, to acknowledge that the church was wrong. That I have trauma from church. I have emotional damage, from church.

I'm on the healing journey. Healing myself and my inner child. She had to grow up too fast. She never got to feel free. She always had to fit this mold set out since she was born. I'm on the journey to realizing that I AM a good person. I have realized that service is not just for church and I can do that anytime I want. I am allowed to be angry, to swear, and not hide how I feel. I am allowed to love in ALL forms. I am allowed to have questions. I am allowed to experiment. I am allowed to be me. I don't have to fit this mold that church sets. I am on the journey to being free and thinking for myself. I am allowed to love myself; forgive myself, and be patient with myself.

No longer will I self-sabotage because of someone else. I no longer have time for things that will take away from my happiness. I can be who I want to be without someone else saying yes or no. I can give myself what the church was SUPPOSED to give me.

That is why I left mama. I didn't want to disappoint you. I love and respect you so much and you did nothing wrong in raising me. I can do this because of you. I am sorry I didn't tell you sooner but it's scary admitting your trauma and facing possible backlash. Even invalidation of one's experience. It's scary being open, but I love you and know you love me.

I love you always,

Your Daughter