Hey Mom

I always dreamed that one day I would wake up and your pain would be gone. I remember the beginning so clearly. It was always me and you. A real life Lorelai and Rory situation. We were always in the car going places together and singing at the top of our lungs. Shopping together and taking a break to share a root beer and cheesefries with extra ranch. Always laughing and joking.

All of a sudden, it all changed. You came home and said I was going to have a little brother. I was really excited for our duo to become a trio but the fantasy in my mind was quickly gone. The minute Ry was born the woman I knew disappeared before my very eyes. There was no more singing, hugs or road trips. Ry was always sick and you were always sad. No matter what I did it could never put the smile back on your face. I thought once Ry could walk and not throw up all the time then things would finally change. The more Ry grew, the more your sadness grew. Then I no longer knew who you were.

Every night I would pray before bed that when I woke up my mom would be back. Every morning I would wake up and she wouldn’t be.

Next thing I know I was 23 and pregnant and over the moon excited. 9 weeks later the most devastating news of my life hit. “I’m sorry ma’am, there’s no heartbeat we expect you to miscarry in the next few weeks.” Pure shock hit my entire body. I went home and shut down. I couldn’t get out of bed. A couple days later the cramping started then came the miscarriage. I called you wailing at the top of my lungs. My body felt so dead and empty in ways I couldn’t even fully express. But I didn’t need to put into words all these feelings. You listened to me scream and wail for hours while you drove 5 hours from North Carolina to Georgia without me knowing. I got a knock at my door and there you were. You walked in looked me dead straight in the eyes and said: "this fucking sucks. Cry. Scream. Let it all out. Give it to me. I'm here to hold you." Then you told me how 1- hormones can be a bitch but 2- I am brave and 3- I will get through this because I am stronger than you were and it’s okay to talk about hormones now.

That night you held me as I collapsed and didn’t let go. For five days you brought me food, hugs and we talked. Then you finally opened up about your own postpartum depression after Ry. In that moment I have never felt more connected to you. You truly helped me start healing that night and supported me in getting help. You said you didn’t understand what was happening to you back then and it wasn’t something people talked about or cared about like it was now. I never told you mom but you are the reason I sought help. You are the reason I have the success I have today. You supported me in pushing forward and told me that it was okay to not be okay. That gave me the strength to ask for help. I’ve never told you how glad I am that you are now thriving in your older age and living the life you always deserved. The life I always dreamed for you.

You came and saved my life the night I had the biggest loss of my life. I wish I could have saved your life the same way throughout my entire childhood. The gift you gave me mother to mother experiencing such a deep depression was the best gift you have ever given me.

Love, Your biggest fan, your daughter.

Keep smiling, keep living because mom you deserve the world.