He moved overseas and I couldn't cope

I am constantly bleeding. The skin around my fingers is bleeding because I tear it when stressed. My legs bleed where misquitos bite me. I bleed once a month, it is regular compared to others I think. I bleed when I pick blemishes on my face in the hope that it makes them look less like pimples. I do it so they look more like obscure sores. My scalp bleeds because I have sores on my head. I bleed more than others but some of it is self-inflicted. I dont recall being this anxious growing up. I remember being care free, warm, and I was frumpy. I wasn't entirely happy. I had a constant sadness that taxed me. At school, I certainly felt as though my friends had a freedom I didn't enjoy. They spoke of tranquility after rainy nights, how nice it was to fall asleep to the noise of the rain. My bedroom windows rattled in the rain, my room was cold and our downstairs leaked. I never slept well in heavy rain. One day, I hope I feel that sense of security that longs for heavy rain on the roof in the night. I don't know yet if I will ever be truly happy.

The first time I felt I couldn’t face people was when he left. I felt abandoned. He left me here with an apartment full of furniture. He didn't mean it. But it happened. I couldn't sleep. I missed him. I felt hurt by him. It felt as though I was left to manage everything. I realised that sometimes the love isnt enough to carry you through the hard times. It can be challenging to be the one to start the conversation. No one ever told me how hard that would be. To start a conversation with someone that you know will change their life forever. “I love you so much…” “I wouldn’t be where I am today if it weren’t for you”. No one tells you that starting the conversation is going to be the most challenging thing you do all year. Or in some cases, the most challenging thing in your life.

No one ever talks about the relationships that end because of circumstances. The ones that end when both people love each other and no one did anything wrong, but some other factor means it cannot go on. I was desperately seeking something that would guide me through it. A podcast, a book, a reddit page. Anything. There was nothing. And I was in the depths of it. Alone.

So here it is.

It was no one’s fault. Things just happen. The same way that a best friend might live faraway, or the same way that you might not like a certain food. Yes there are decisions that lead you there. And yes, maybe some of it is choice. But some of it is uncontrollable. It’s just a feeling. And yes you could, if you really wanted to, change those things from being the reality. You could move your entire life closer to your friend. You could eat the food you dont like. But would you be truly happy? There are some things in life that feel as though we are to blame for them, but really - these things happen without it being anyone's fault. You can keep eating that thing you hate. Or you can accept it, let it go, and never eat it again.

It will feel like one life has ended. It is a form of grief that you may have never felt before. Towards the end of our relationship I felt cold. Uninspired and unenthusiastic. I felt as though it was something happening in the middle of the night. Something you are aware of but not experiencing. You can hear the movements but you’re not properly absorbing what’s going on around you. It’s like you’re just waiting until something worth waking up for occurs.