Hard Changes

Isn't it funny that throughout the years, you have changed completely without you ever realized?

I used to think that, changes are something that we create, consciously. When I was young, I lived as perfect girl. I had perfect personality, I was charming, polite, even when people in my age acted like a little devil, I was trying my best to be the only angel here.

I did pray five times a day when I was 5 years. Can you imagine that?

I never knew about anger, about nasty acts to the others, being cruel or whatsover. The only thing that I knew, I just need to be perfect - with any ways.

Until, it happened.

I was unconscious about what was going on.

The only that I know until today, is that I feel the emotions.

All of negative emotions that never shown from the sould inside of my body.

I lost my control, I was being very emotional. I was dissapointed to the universe.

I was mad and questioning a lot about why it can be happened? Why everybody do that? Why I am the only one who can think rational? and so on, and so on.

But, who does not know about it? You can expect good thing from the devil, right?

Devil is devil. But, lately I have realized that I have joint with them.

I used to close my connection with the others. Because I know bad things are usually done by people. I just try my best to avoid the pain, dissapoinment, emotions. I never got mad before. I used to say forgive me and thank you, even there was nothing that I need to thank or apologize for.

I still remember, before that day; the day when I turned to be an angel with negative emotions, people kept telling me to stop saying sorry. They told me that I need to be confidence and bold.

That's the angel do.

But, for the last 4 years, there is no angel anymore.

I hate my self more than ever.

I realized that, if you are doing something nice and sweet for the people, you can never expect they would do the same thing to you.

Even if you are doing it for many many years.

Never expect anything from people.

I was betrayed by my bestfriend. The person who I considered as my sister, my family, my loved one.

I love her as my friend. But, she was the cause of my devil problem.

I lost my control, my emotions, my though.

Because of her, my perspective about life is different now.

I never want to avoid my feeling or conceal it anymore.

Right now, if I know something is wrong, does not aligned with my thoughts, I will never hesitate to say it and express it.

I hate people. I hate that I ever expected to them.

Just want to reminds you, all of the reader here.

You are a human being.

It is very natural for you to feel your feeling.

To feel the anger caused by the others.

To feel sad, dissapoinment, trust issue.

That is all normal, this is how human being works.

Stop being an angel when you know you need to face a devil.

Stop pretending to be nice just because you respect your loved ones.

If they can not respect, then why should you?

Before you respect the others,

Try to respect your self first.

Put your self before the others.

Make sure the first person who deserves your effort is you.

I want you guys to be happy, and still be yourself.

Thank you.

From me, the one who still try to bring my angel side to my soul.

-Riska Dwinda Elsyah