Guilt.

I'm relatively young and I have experienced little of the world.

The first time I felt an overwhelming feeling of guilt was when my cat died. I was twelve or maybe thirteen. My cat had been diagnosed with a common liver cancer and his quality of life was non-existent. In his last few days, he couldn't move, couldn't eat. He was a shell of who he used to be.

I felt relieved when he passed peacefully in his sleep. As much as it hurts to write it out, to voice it... it's the truth. He was suffering and then he wasn't.

Then I felt guilty. How could I be relieved he died? He was on medication before his death, fighting for his life. I shouldn't be having any feelings that isn't heart-break or sadness.

Of course I was sad. My cat had just passed, after all those years we had him. To when we first took him home from the shelter, to every morning waking up to him screaming and pawing for food, to his final breaths I can confidently say he was the perfect cat.

But I was relieved because he simply wasn't himself anymore.

So then I punished myself. I began to make out thousands of 'what-if' scenarios that weren't helping anybody.

"What if I had just taken him to the vet earlier?"

"What if I fed him the best food on the market?"

"What if I had just been a better owner?"

I began to nit-pick and worry about everything that my dogs ate. Is this healthy? Is this the best food on the market? How can I make it better? It was torturous, the way I tortured myself.

Maybe if I did better for my dogs my cat would forgive me. Or maybe he would hate me more because he didn't get the same care and time.

It wasn't fair to put that kind of guilt and pressure on myself. I was a child and I didn't really know any better. Of course I'm glad that I'm a better care-taker for my dogs, but I have to let go of the mistakes I made with my cat.

I wish he were alive longer. I wish he could see me today. I wish for a lot of things.

But to anyone out there who is dealing with grief, dealing with the loss of a loved one, or simply the loss of something in your life, I wanted to remind you that you are human and you make mistakes. There is nothing perfect. There is no living forever.

A happy ending is not one where everyone's life is perfect. It's simply impossible.

A happy ending is instead one where you can find peace and closure. Forgive yourself for your mistakes.

I had a friend who lost his close friend to a car accident. He had trouble bounding back from it. He blamed himself for everything thing, creating 'what-ifs' in his head.

"What if I had just picked him up, like he asked?'

To him I told him that the best thing he could do would be to live life harder. Adventure and explore and live as if you only live once. Why? Simply because he was now living for two souls, instead of just one.

To anyone in the same boat as him, I would tell you the same thing. Live life to the fullest because you're living for more than one soul.

I believe that my cat goes on all the adventures I go on.

In my garden, between all the flowers I've planted, is a statue of my cat sleeping peacefully.

A happy ending.