Greed

My profession is a high school teacher, and I love it, I really do. It might sounds like I'm trying to convince you or myself but if you ever saw me in a classroom I think you'd be able to tell that I'm telling the truth.

I got this job because for two reasons

#1 A company called Roosterteeth convinced me at like age 12 that the job I have for the rest of my life should involve bringing a smile to people's faces, just like that company brought one to mine.

I'm 27 now and that feeling or mission has not gone away.

Then I realized that getting a job at a relatively small company that was based halfway across the country wasn't going to be easy and I wanted something more concrete.

Enter #2, my Junior year high school history teacher. I had always liked history but before him, I never, ever, had a teacher whose class you wanted to visit even in between periods. But he was different, he didn't seem like he sacrificed any of his genuine self for the role of teacher, he would tell terrible jokes, be genuinely engaged in every conversation, and seemed like he was everywhere all at once.

It hit me that "I could do this, I could be like him".

I could spend literally everyday except the summer, weekends, and breaks helping make students days a little brighter than they would have been otherwise.

I could be that teacher that accepted them no matter what, a class they could go to if they needed to vent, if they needed silence, if they needed just a body in the room while they existed doing whatever they needed to do.

It's genuinely amazing, understanding that you can be a second home for some kids. Whether it's because their original home life isn't great or because they spend 7-8 hours everyday in a place that most of them don't want to be but they have you to gravitate to for however long they can so school seems less like a prison.

But recently I've been struggling with my own mentality about it.

I, as I believe most people do, want my life to amount to something. And in my mind that is accomplished by being remembered or by having some sort of lasting legacy that people in the future can look to, long after you're dead and gone, and see your name and have that name mean something to them.

For example, Shakespeare. Dead for hundreds of years but he left a mark on history that means different things to different people.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm going to be the next Shakespeare, but you get what I mean... hopefully.

But this mentality has kind of taken the reigns recently

I feel like its this need to be known, to make a positive impact on people's lives so that maybe something I said or did inspired them and they remember that

And I'm worried it won't happen.

I'm worried that my efforts of trying to inspire future generations will amount to nothing because I won't be as good as I want to be, as helpful as I want to be, or as inspiring as I need to be.

I won't get that chance to live on in the memories of any of my students because one day they'll be old and have lives and families of their own and they won't have time to think about that one teacher from so long ago

Now I want to ask you the question that my title alludes to...

Is that greedy?

Is it greedy to want that?

I'm worried now that I'm making too much of this about me and what I want to come out of it and too little about the students I promised to try and help

But I know it also hasn't impacted my efforts to be the best teacher I can be

I don't know if you would call the scenario I wrote and the question afterwards philosophical or existential or whatever other -al word you want to throw in there.

The weird thing is, this "greed" isn't even for something tangible. I may make an impact on people's lives and yet never know because maybe they just don't tell me.

I guess it's like Schrodinger's success.

It can happen inside someone's mind or heart but you'll never know if it's there unless you ask.

But then that would be too awkward wouldn't it?

And that would kind of further show that I would be making it all about me me me

Guess I answered my own question