Good-bye my Friend

Sometimes I've wondered if I have a tendency to attract certain people into my life. It often feels that I do. I wish these were people who I could still be good friends with because the laughs and good times were real and I know this for certain.

Yet I also know the type of person I am, and with that the type of friend I am. I care, I care a lot. I'm nice, I'm nice a lot. I try to help, I try to help a lot. I'm not ashamed of that, I know this about me and I'm proud of these traits. Yet I also sometimes wish I wasn't this way. I wish I didn't care so much, that I wasn't always so nice, that I didn't try to help so much.

I'm in no way trying to paint myself as some kind of saint, believe me, I know I'm not this way all the time. But when it comes to people I care about it, I can't help myself, because exactly that I care, and I don't care lightly. I feel a lot, I can sense peoples pain, sadness, anger, all the really big emotions. Why? because apparently as per my therapist I'm "hyper-vigilant" which is a fancy way of saying I'm an Empath.

And to be honest, it fucking sucks sometimes to be this way. I literally feel like I absorb peoples energy and it weighs on me, a lot. So I decided today, while I was outside going for what I now call a "stroll" because I can't walk still, that I need to let this go. I need to say good-bye and get all of what I really feel out there, because I can't carry this with me anymore.

I'm tired of feeling guilt that I know I don't need to be feeling and shouldn't be feeling because I'm not guilty of anything. I know this for fact because when we spoke all I gave you were the facts. I wasn't going to play into your attacking messages where you hypocritically decided to guilt trip me into doing what you wanted. This wasn't about me being what you called a "bad friend" this was about money. You projected this whole narrative onto me and blamed me for an entire situation that I literally had no knowledge of and wasn't even apart of at all.

You said horrible, hurtful things about what you perceived our friendship really meant to me. That really fucking sucked considering everything I had done for you. Everything I did to be there for you, to help you, to comfort you, to give advice when you needed it. So many nights and times in the day that I can think of where I just wanted to make sure you were okay. It honestly feels now like the biggest waste of energy I could have ever put into someone.

But I don't regret it, because I know how I really felt about you. You were my friend, and I genuinely cared for you and our friendship. I don't care if you think that's not true, because your reasoning for why you think that this was some sort of "transactional" friendship is complete and utter bullshit.

When I broke my foot, my whole world closed in on me, and while some may say that's a tad dramatic, it's not. I was told that all the things I love doing, that make me feel my best mentally, I could no longer do. I cried when I was told this is how it would be now. As I tried to process what was happening, I then began to realize that I wasn't going to have a job anymore either, because I couldn't physically work there given my situation. Everything I had planned for was gone as soon as I broke my foot.

I was trying to process this traumatic event that had just occurred, and yes that meant posting a story to Instagram to simply say "Well this wasn't apart of the plan," and you sent me a text about a car that was for sale. Of all the things, that is what you messaged me about first. I didn't respond right away, because it took me aback quite honestly, but then when I did and said I wasn't going to be able to drive, only then did you ask me what had happened. You expected me to have all these answers when I had no idea what to do yet.

In a matter of days I had figured out everything that needed to be done. Made all the right calls, gave you the answers you were looking for, all within 1 week. And yet your last messages to me made it seem like I was purposely holding out on you, that I was purposely trying to screw you in some way. Yet when we talked during the beginnings of all of this, I was the one who had to initiate a phone call, and we chatted, and laughed and got everything that needed to be sorted done.

You told me you had your end covered for what you needed to do. And so did I, yet 2 weeks after everything was said and done, you decided to come at me. You attacked me, and said I owed you. That I was this horrible, heartless person who didn't give a shit about you. Everything you said was a manipulative attempt at guilting me into doing what you wanted me to do. You even said "I'm not trying to guilt you" or "maybe I'm a hypocrite because I didn't do this for you either."

I'm not stupid. I've had many people just like you in the past try to do the same thing. I can see the signs, and I also can see you for who you really are. I just didn't honestly think you would do it to me. Because yes, after everything I had done for you, and never asked you for anything in return, THIS is how you decided to treat me. THIS is how you decided to use our friendship, as some kind of reason for why I should just give you money. Money I don't have, and even if I did, I would NOT give it to someone who talked to me the way you did. It was gross and uncalled for in so many ways.

You hurt me because you were hurting. I had always been the "fixer" in our friendship, I know this for a fact, because I was always the one who would take the lead on making sure our needs were met, that we accounted for all the things. You never did that, you even said that about yourself, that you were a very oblivious person when it came to other peoples feelings, and what they may be going through right in front of you.

I see that now. I see that in all the time that we were friends you never reached out to me to see how I was doing, and I mean we lived together the whole time and I can't think of one time where you said "Hey, are you doing okay?" but my god can I recall all the times I was doing that for you.

As much as I would like to "wish" things differently, I don't have the energy or capacity to do that anymore. I don't have the space to allow someone like you, to undo all of the hard work I have put in, to making sure I don't blame myself for things I do not deserve to feel guilty, or bad about when that was not at all the case.

I've gotten good at being able to recognize when it's time to walk away from things that are no longer serving me. And unfortunately you were no longer bringing anything good into my life. I started to feel that way early on in our friendship. I remember feeling so drained sometimes after talking with you about things you were going through, or just in general how you would only care about yourself first, before ever considering "the group". But I also know I wanted to be there for you and help you because I saw a lot of me in you when I was younger. And I wanted to be there to support you however much you wanted or needed.

You have so much growing to do, so much learning and understanding to still gain. And I hope that you are open to that growth, because it is an opportunity to look in at yourself more. To heal the pain and anger I know you're holding inside of you. I helped you write a list once of all the things you could start doing to help when things get to be too much. I hope that wasn't just disregarded and that at some point you try and apply those things in your own way.

You can't treat people the way that you treated me, and expect people to bend to what you believe is meant to happen. That is incredibly unfair to think. Shit happens in life and things will not always go your way. But before you decide to attack someone the way you did me, I really hope you take a second and really think about what it is you actually know versus what you are just assuming about someone.

You assumed hurtful and very mean things about me, and for that I can't be friends with you. I don't trust you, I can't rely on you to be there for me unconditionally. Our friendship was very conditional for you, and I know you don't see that now, but one day I hope you revisit our conversation and see your words, and then really think about how that would make someone feel.

This was never about our friendship, this was about money, money that I don't owe you and don't even have enough to give. You felt the transaction was linked to our friendship and that is when our friendship ended. Don't ever put a dollar amount on friendship because you have NO idea what someone is going through financially or personally. Nor do you have any right to know unless they wish to make you privy to that kind of detail.

I wish you all the best.

Good-bye