God where art thou?

I remember the time I felt seen but it wasn’t by someone extraordinary. Just an ordinary person who lived an ordinary life and found me along the way wanting to be apart of theirs. Then, something hit me. It was like a dark cloud came storming in. Suddenly I begged God to help me. I’ve never begged for anything in my life and what I don’t understand is why if I begged for help would he leave me in the dark for so long. Perhaps, it’s a test I use to think. Then I realized that no one came to rescue me except the people who cared about me, truly cared. I started to think that maybe god are those people. After all he created them, right. The concept of god was so hard for me to wrap my mind around especially since my mind has lived in the dark for so long. So, long it’s exhausted me to the point of constant depression. I wake up everyday depressed. Waiting, wandering for a sign something that will lead me down a path I will feel fulfilled in. I tend to feel nothing these days and it scares me because if I don’t have the feeling of caring then what is the point of me living. I go day by day smiling but inside I feel like I’m dying slowly. I can’t get my thoughts in order. I rather feel the feeling of being stressed like a normal person does then feel empty inside. So, god where art thou? I ask. Perhaps I should pray more but I feel like I’m just talking to myself most of the time. God I see everyone around me living their life and I’m not living mine. I’m simply helping everyone else live theirs. Maybe that’s why I’m so depressed. I’m forcing myself to be something or someone I’m not happy to be. I hate this idea. This idea of not being happy anymore. I hope one day god hears me and I hope that day is now. God it’s going to be seven years since I’ve been in the dark. Fighting my way out of it. I tried praying for you to take it away but for some reason it still lingers around me like a cloud. I blame myself for it. I can see myself shrinking into a tiny black hole and my existence only matters to others not even myself anymore. What do I do god? It’s so hard for me to feel this way. I shouldn’t feel this way. I’m actually feeling things now. Except those feelings are negative I want to feel whole. I want to feel joy. I want to feel peace. I wish this was a positive testament to the extraordinary life I got to live. This is still me stuck in the dark. Wanting out. If only I can see a glimpse of the light somehow then, only then will I begin to feel hopeful. Then hope will arise and I can be joyful again. I can see the sun and feel the warmth against my skin and believe that warm people exist and see them for who they are. I can feel the cold air and only wish to be present in it. Embracing the rain for gods tears wrap for me to know that I’m an extraordinary person. Even if I can’t see it now I hope one day I will. I hope I can see the people around me and instantly feel joy. Feel joy beyond my wildest dreams and love dreams beyond my own comprehension.