Garbage

Loneliness crept into the basement Cas lived in, like a shadow blanketing over him as he stared blankly at the loading screen of a video game. Another night escaped him by playing a competitive shooter while listening to music, attempting to escape his thoughts. An alert on his cell phone caught his attention. Another like on a Facebook photo he posted a bit ago. Noticing the time he sighed.

“Already 10pm?” He tossed the controller aside to gaze up at the ceiling. Two months? Or has it been three? She's crossed his mind a lot more recently than he cared to admit. He covered his face with his hands trying to shake away the images of the pink haired ex-lover sitting next to him on the worn leather sofa. His heart dropped, anger setting in, in remembrance of her absence. Cas hated her. He convinced himself the wounds she left would never heal, despite his therapist telling him several times now to give it time. Some days were okay, but at night, night was when his mind usually drifted.

He stood up, forcing himself to trudge upstairs to proceed with his nightly routine. The creaky boards signaled his mother to stop scrolling on her phone. Their eyes met as he walked through the kitchen into the living room. Cas noticed a brown paper package on the side table next to her which wasn’t unusual, she was guilty of being a frequent online shopper.

Shaking his head he forced a smile, “Another one Mom?”

“What?” she said confused for a moment then looked at the table next to her realizing what he meant, “oh! actually it’s for you.”

Cas raised a brow, trying to recall the last time he placed an order for something, “From?”

“I’m not sure.”

Her answer shrouded the twenty-four-year-old with unease. He picked up the mysterious package and noticed his name written in cursive. It was tiny, the size of a jewelry box. Cas wasn't the type of guy to adorn necklaces or rings. Intricately wrapped, he admired the handlers' care briefly.

"Is it a gift?" she asked him puzzled.

Who would be sending him a gift? Cas's birthday wasn't until September. He didn't participate in any other celebrations. Maybe from his sister? No way, studying the curly "C" he knew it wasn't from her. A flashback of the notes written to him on the inside of journal covers pushed its way to the front of his memory. Fury instantly lit his face as his brain came to terms with the hand writing inscribed on the paper, the box becoming sinister in nature.

“W-what is it?” she stammered.

“Garbage,” he said coldly.

He walked into the kitchen and threw it in the trash then proceeded to stomp through the living area, and to the bathroom at the end of the hall. He slammed the door then instantly regretted his outburst. Serena had a way of making his blood boil unlike any other. Her betrayal, probably the worst of all his past lovers. She promised him so much then failed to deliver, not just for him but his daughter too. Last month he made the mistake of letting her back in. For 48 hours, he considered the idea of them trying to repair their relationship.

The memory of her holding out the ultrasound picture of what may have been his child replayed on a cinematic loop. Serena got on her hands and knees and begged for forgiveness, offering to let him own her if that’s what he desired. How she kissed his shoes as he requested, bowed at his feet and submitted to him. She didn’t want to be honest about sleeping with someone else while they were together. Ultimately, it was this deciding factor that made him turn her away. He did enjoy embracing her the night before discovering this, picturing the things they once dreamt. Family, a home... a new beginning.

Cas peered at his reflection with a burning desire to punch the mirror. Lately his life strictly consisted of work then coming home to his daughter every other week when he had her. He was working towards being able to move out, again a goal he and Serena had been striving towards while they were together. He’s been keeping his brown hair short these days, letting his facial hair grow out though there wasn’t much of it. Meeting the brown orbs, speckled green and gold staring back at him, her words echoed in his head. “Your eyes remind me of home, like the forest…” which was her favorite place. They visited hiking trails together whenever she was aching to be amongst nature. He pictured her dancing in between trees smiling from ear to ear, like a woodsy nymph.

Thinking of her in such a regard reminded him of a time they found a stone bridge on one of their adventures. They made love beneath it regardless of the risk of being caught by other travellers and both of them glowed with excitement afterward running from the scene. The urge to spill tears threatened to spring forth but he was out of them. He already cried over her too many times.

Realizing he lost the motivation to follow through with his usual bedtime montage, he shut off the light and left. He stopped at his daughter's room noticing it unoccupied and her bed empty. She's at her mother’s this week. He missed her so much. Sometimes her presence was the only thing that made him feel whole. Unfortunately even here were remnants of his past relationship.

Serena and him used to take turns reading her bedtime stories. They'd been struggling with his child sleeping on her own but came together to find a solution. The two of them would lay next to her tiny pink bed after her nightly tale, Serena in between his legs while they watched a movie with the three-year-old until she fell asleep. He’d stroke both of their hair. His lover would peer up at him, adoration in her blue-green eyes, nuzzling her cheek against his thigh. They were a team. Cas cringed, then closed the door quietly, continuing down the hall.

He attempted to walk past his Mom without meeting her gaze to avoid another conversation but she spoke up to apologize, stopping him in his tracks. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know who it was from.”

Cas tried not to snap like before. It wasn’t her fault. She was fooled by Serena too, they all were. “Yeah, it’s okay, not like you’d been able to tell.”

His Mom eyeballed the kitchen behind him, like a person manifested in the doorway. He turned expecting to see Serena’s figure standing there but knew they both were staring at the white, plastic bin he'd thrown the package into.

“Ya’ know, I can’t help but wonder what she sent you,” she confessed.

Cas shrugged, “It doesn’t matter.”

“She kept coming back even after all of that because she still wanted to be with you, you know that right?” she said slowly.

A wave of guilt washed over him for a moment as he recalled inviting her back over after rejecting her. For several days he demeaned her. He said things to her like "the only thing she was good for was sex" and continued to have intercourse with her. His Mom, as well as his older sister, discouraged him from continuing the path he was barreling down which caused him to put a stop to it. They were both right. She did want more from him. Serena wanted to be together, but he didn’t trust her intentions. Over and over, crying into his chest she recited, she never meant to waste his time. She wanted another chance to show she was capable of being a loyal lover, a true confidant, another mother to his child… children. The thought crossed his mind, the possibility she may be having his baby. She begged him to believe it was true since the timeline fit for it to be his but he had his doubts. He hadn’t discussed it with Serena since.

“Sure, but how am I supposed to be with someone I can’t trust?” he retorted. Again, his words came out a bit more harsh than he meant his tone to take on, yet struggled to bite back his frustration.

His mother answered with another question, “Do you love her?”

Cas didn’t know how to respond. Everytime he thought of a happy memory with her, it filled him with red hot anger, picturing when she wasn’t there with him she may have been with her ex-lover. Love? Love was replaced with hate. He wasn't sure where to place the sense of longing he had for her exactly. Lust was his only logical conclusion.

“I need to go to bed,” he said, choosing to end the exchange, “night.”

He wondered back down stairs, post-hardcore music still blasting from his speakers. He powered down the gaming console. Turned off the bluetooth on his phone to end the screams, then went to the other side of the basement. He turned on the other television, setting it to his favorite series to fall asleep to and crawled into bed after making sure his alarm was set. He laid there, upset with the fact Serena had found a way to ruin his evening. Cas frowned, the truth settling in as he allowed his eyelids to droop close and ponder her intrusion before opening them again.

He texted her last week. Reaching over he went to the messaging app on his home screen to pull up the conversation, rereading the correspondences. After doing so well, he caved and told her to come over for sex. He wasn’t sure what spawned him to do it, but he did. However, she only offered to talk and refused his instructions. Serena made a promise to him, to cut the toxicity of him as well as anyone else from her life and she was holding strong to those convictions. "We don't have to be toxic for each other, we can grow and repair," she had said minutes before he made her make this promise. He imagined her face, pleading with him to reconsider the determination he made to give up on them entirely.

Cas struggled with accepting the concept that the woman who did him wrong was trying to turn over a new leaf but the minute he started acting cruel in their texts, she stopped responding. Maybe, maybe she was trying? He set it back on the stand by his mattress, picturing his name in cursive on the brown packaging. It had to be from her but how did he really know without opening it?

He wrestled with his conscience until finally deciding to go against his instincts. Throwing off his covers he ran up, rummaged through the trash to retrieve it and darted back down the stairs. Cross legged on the mattress his hands shook as he tore off the paper to reveal a tiny black box.

“Moment of truth,” he muttered to himself, opening it then dumping the contents on his lap.

It was something metal wrapped in a cloth. His heart skipped a beat as he uncovered it to reveal a silver keychain with a peculiar phrasing inscribed on it. "First I drink the coffee, then I drive the jeep." As much as he wanted to stop the smile from creeping up to his face, he was defeated but only for a moment. Cas recalled months ago, laying in bed browsing online merchandise out of boredom on his phone when they stumbled across this exact keychain. Neither of them owned a jeep, it was the simple fact something like this existed as a product that tickled them. Both recited the phrase to each other taking on different inflections, howling with delight. She mentioned getting it for Christmas for him but it was delayed. Probably a lie too with Serena’s track record. Still, he dangled in front of him the artifact of their past, uncertain of the feelings it left him with. Only the ghost of her laughter in his head and a sickening feeling in his stomach.