From an Ending to a Beginning

It first started back in middle/high school. I remember one of the schools I went to had a class where we actually had to read books. You were required to read a set amount of books, but certain ones could get you points. It was an odd thing, looking back on it now. But I'm actually grateful for the class, because it was the start of my love for stories.

I can't recall how many books I read while I was still at that school, but I was definitely one of the top readers. As long as it was fiction, it didn't matter what genre it was. I spent hours in the library and at home consumed in my own world that these novels created.

At some point during that same time, I started to do some writing of my own. It was always just silly fan fiction stuff. Primarily revolving around Naruto and Harry Potter. It been as much obsessed with those two worlds as I was with reading its self. And I spent just as much time writing as I did reading.

It wasn't long after starting at that school that I was forced to leave. In my junior year I found myself at a school with high academics, but reading fictions wasn't a requirement. I was felt lost most of my junior year. I wasn't obligated to read, so my brain strove away from it. Then, one day during a free period, I happened to sign up to go to the library. I quickly delved back into reading. It was my only escape from the new school that was forced upon me just years before my graduation.

I don't remember how many books I read at that school, but I do remember taking as many as the librarian would allow me home for summer vacation. I also remember finishing reading them all within the first two weeks of summer. I had stopped writing at that point though. More interested in the worlds already written. It seemed easier to escape reality that way.

But the desire to write was still within me, even as graduation came up and I was forced to think about a career for the rest of my life. I'd never brought up writing to my family, hell that had put me down just for thinking about being a massage therapist. I can't imagine how put down I would have been if I'd told them I wanted to be a Professional Author. Nevertheless, I put my writings aside and focused on getting labor job.

I spent so many years going through jobs, feeling stuck in a turmoil of unhappiness and boredom. I still wrote, though very little, through fanfiction when I was able to force my brain into motivation. But the same knowledge I had for writing when I was younger felt so far away. Even now I feel myself struggling to bring the fictional stories in my head to life for other people.

And for years and years I stayed like that. Until recently when I spiral into a deep anxiety driven fall. Now here I am, contemplating my life for what feels like the millionth time. I don't even know if any one will read this. Or if they'll care. Or if this will get me anywhere. All I know is that I now believe that if I can push myself through things I hate, things fill me with dread the moment I wake up-maybe I can push myself through this intense block and finally do what I've wanted to do since high school. Maybe I can finally write.