Free Will

Dear Diary,

If I die I want the world to know that I was murdered.

It has been a couple years since the police found me in that basement wrapped in a filthy blanket on the dirt floor. I was held captive there for what felt like years but had only been 5 months. The man that owned this place had kidnapped me while I was out on my nightly run near the college I attended. I thought it would be fine in our small town to take my runs by myself since everyone knew each other here. But I was horribly wrong and fell victim to a psychopath who was passing through.

I was taken to the hospital and photographed along with questioning and tests. I had to experience the trauma over and over again by telling my story for the reports and court proceedings. The regular torture and rape caused me to have horrible PTSD. And for the 7 months after I was in complete denial about my pregnancy. My mind didn't want to believe I became pregnant from that man. But life continued as it always does regardless of circumstance. He was locked up in prison, I went to therapy regularly and stayed on medication for my PTSD. This baby was coming regardless of if I was ready or not. Because of my PTSD, trauma and denial of pregnancy, my body did not know how to accommodate for a natural birth. I had an emergency C-section. My breasts never produced milk and I had a long recovery. But the moment I laid eyes on my daughter and saw how innocent and beautiful she was, I fell in love and became even more determined to do better for her and protect her.

A year later, me and my daughter settled down in a new state in a big city. I made friends and had some of my family out to visit. I never posted on social media or allowed anyone to take photos of me and my daughter. Only a few trusted family members knew where we lived. The paranoia and fear sometimes got the better of me but I had someone I loved more than anything in the world to protect and I knew if he ever escaped or got out early he had promised he would kill us both if he couldn't keep us.

The moment I knew something was wrong was when I received a phone call from my mother. I was at work at the time and she was taking care of my daughter. I answered the phone and was immediately bombarded with her panicked voice. Ash! He escaped! Its on the news on social media! What do I do?!

My thoughts went to my daughter and her safety. I knew he couldn't possibly know where I live since my mail goes somewhere else and my address is protected. Mom calm down, take the baby and go on vacation and don't tell me where. No matter what happens do not reveal your location to anyone until the police find him, I calmly stated. Tell my daughter I love her. I hung up the phone before she heard the terror in my voice. My blood had gone cold, heart racing and my hands were visibly shaking.

My head shoots up to the voice at the front desk of the store I worked at as I hear my name being called. I was already in plain view of the lobby and curse as the receptionist and The Man slowly turn towards me. The receptionist seems to look confused when she sees my fear filled face which no doubt is drained of color. The Man smiles at me, reaches behind him and pulls out a gun. People all around scream as he points it at me. I freeze for a split second before throwing my body behind the small wall next to me. Unfortunately it pierced my arm before i fell behind the temporary protection. I lay there for a second confused as to why I couldn't feel my arm. I just knew I didn't want to look at it.

Where oh where did my little birdie go! He chanted in a disgustingly sweet voice. I almost dry heaved when he started chanting about how his little birdie escaped his cage and flew away and how he needed to clip his little birdies wings. I scooted myself further away trying to get to the next desk where I knew a box cutter would be. When he became silent I scrambled over and snatched one up, sliding the blade out. He came up behind me and wrapped his arm around my throat. I jabbed the blade straight back into his leg making him let go of my neck and also drop the gun.

I whirled around and lunged for the gun with my one fully functioning arm while he pulled the blade out. The gun was in my hand and I had it pointed at his head from out of his reaching range. You will never harm me or my child ever again, I promise you that.

I may not be the same person I once was before the kidnapping but my Free Will lets me start over and be who ever I want to be. And that path is being a strong mother who can over come anything and raise a daughter with love and security.