FOREVER AT SEA

FOREVER AT SEA

But my oars are in the water

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Should I?

Maybe not.

But then, again ..

Ah decisions, decisions!

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Being only ten, I really wanted a new key for my roller skates. Mine seemed lost forever and I noticed that my friend had two.

Should I take one? She can’t possibly use two, now, can she?

What if I got caught stealing? Yeah, I’d be punished for sure but then, what if I didn’t?

Nah, not worth it, but, well, it was a thought.

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At sixteen, I thought I was in love with Joey. He was so cute. He had the bluest eyes which only seemed bluer under his thick mane of coal, black hair. Every girl wanted to go out with him. He chose me – for all of three hours. For a short while, I was the envy of every girl in the neighborhood.

He walked me home after a wonderful date of a movie and pizza. When began kissing me goodnight. OMG, I was in heaven. He was the best kisser, until I found his hands wandering where they shouldn’t go. Do I stop him and be a “good girl”? Or let him continue since I really had a crush on him?

The good girl won and lost at the same time. I kept my honor but lost the boy. I cried that night about the loss of a boy every girl wanted, but then looked in the mirror and thought with anger, “His loss, not mine!”

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I was nineteen when I eloped with Pete. By twenty-one I had two sons. I reveled in the role of wife and mother. Unfortunately, when I turned twenty-six, he decided to leave for someone younger. Do I stop him? Try to be a better wife? I didn’t think I was a bad one. Do I beg him to say, even if only for the sake of our boys? Or do I let him go, pick up the pieces and move on. But how?

As it turned out, I was left with no choice. One day, while I had my sons at the pediatrician’s office for a checkup, Pete left his job, drove home, packed his things and was gone by the time I got home.

Devastation is a mild word, but I was now more determined than ever to pull up my big-girl panties and move on.

Three months later, after his girlfriend left him, he wanted to come home.

What do I do? Do I take him back? Tell him to go to … well, you know where. I still had my boys to consider. They were, now, preteens. Can I fill the roles of mom and dad?

My boys and I came to the same conclusion. I changed the locks and told him where to go.

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For a while, I felt as though I was lost at sea with no solid land in sight. Floating on indecision seemed something I was destined to do. Guilt of having my sons in the same boat plagued me – until one day when my boys, now pushing their twenties, said, “Mom, we need to talk!”

They hugged me and reassured me that not only did we survive our lives without Pete, but we thrived. We paid our bills, kept the house and grounds neat and clean, and stayed healthy. My oldest remarked that in the years his father had been gone, he felt more relaxed and at peace.

“Mom, there was no more yelling, humiliation, belittling, or tension of any kind. We did it! And without him! Thank you. Thank you for everything.”

Well, now, my sons are happily married men, and I can look back on my life and think how all too often, I felt like I was lost at sea.

Even now, all these years later, when I consider my life as it is, I wonder – if I could have done things differently.

What if I had stolen that skate key and gotten away with it? Would that have prompted me to try and steal something else? Would it have eventually led me to a life of crime? (sometimes it only takes on small thing)

What if I let Joey do what he wanted? Would we have stayed together? Or after he had his way, would he have moved on to the next innocent young girl?

What if I had not eloped with Pete? Well, I’m not going to speculate on that. After all, I have my sons who are the lights of my life – not to mention the families they created!

Yes, I have faced many storms throughout the years but the oars in the water kept my little boat afloat.

Even now and then, I feel as though my boat is beginning to wobble with the turbulence of an internal sea.

Yet here I am! Yes, here I am looking back on my life and thinking, “Well, for quite a while, I was lost at sea, but with both oars in the water, I found solid land which now enables me to look back, smile, and think, “Yeah, I not only survived, but thrived. The storm is over!”