Fly on the wall

Last night was the night that i came to a realization. If you ask me the hardest thing to do on this earth is live. So many things can change and so many things can happen to a person to change them, and not a lot of people talk about this. The hard and unsettling: THE TRUTH .

The way i grew up, i was always seen but never really payed attention to. I was the smartest growing up. I never gave myself enough credit; I didn’t really have to because literally everyone i knew did it for me. My family, Friends, teachers, and even the kids at school that i probably would never in a million years be involved with wouldnt stop boasting and bragging about how book smart i was and how good of a kid i was and how i would never get into any real trouble. I was the example that every teacher set, so you could imagine what everyone’s reaction to my rebellion was.

The real question everyone keeps acting me is “Why?” Unfortunately the only answer i felt appropriate to give was because it’s what i wanted to do for once. I never imagined in a million years that I’d be sitting here telling you my story. Everyone called me out on it but nobody understood the purpose and the inevitability of the situation. i think after all the bashing and conflict, the people finally deserve an answer.

Growing up i always wanted to be a veterinarian. It is just something about animals that i like more than people. I made it all the way to my 10th grade year of high school with the fantasy that I’m going to grow up and go to college and get my masters and have my own clinic for animals and i was going to have a studio apartment with my 6 cats, 3 dogs, and a Perot. I had it all mapped out. I even knew what college i wanted to attend applied and got accepted. But there was a change. A change in me and my perspective of people. My junior year of high school was the year i started to change and nobody really noticed it because i was never open about my true feelings with anyone. I never spoke on my hurt and my pain so no one really understood where i was coming from.

From 8 years old i was one of the best dancers growing up. I started out on fire and never stopped. It had finally felt good to have something other than school to rely on. It was a get away from reality. When I’m at dance practice all i could focus on was dance, not my boy drama or school work or even the stressors i had to deal with at home. When i was sad and depressed i didn’t feel like it but i was still able to dance my anger and frustration out. It was the only way i new how to deal with my drama; other than talking to people because i didn’t feel connected to anyone enough to openly confront what was bothering me. Dance blew up on me. I had to quit because the sadder i got the less motivation i i had to go.

Between my brothers zoning me out my mom never being around and my “friends” being the judgmental and entitled little people they were i wasn’t ok with letting people know how i felt about them or my situation. The thing i learned about humans and how they’re minds work is that it doesn’t matter who you are or what you do, someone somewhere is not ok with the decisions you make. And the only person that has to accept the consequences for any wrong doing i do is me. I didn’t want anyone to know who i was or what i did. I let them keep their perfect fantasy because i know when my dreams were killed and reality hit me i didn’t know how to handle it. so i moved in silence. I had secrets out the asshole but i got to keep one part of my life from falling to complete shambles The idea of people not being in my business really stuck with me.

My junior year was the year that i became more aware of my mental health. Depression stormed my home and kidnapped me. I was sad all the time, i didn’t want to talk to anyone, and i wanted so badly to move away and start over . I started to hate my life and the people around me. Nobody saw it but i became so unmotivated and couldn’t find my purpose for doing anything. I stopped going to school everyday and i stopped talking to my friend group. I never talked to my Bestfriends about it because i didn’t want them to feel like bad friends for not knowing what was happening to me, so i stayed quiet. My boyfriend at the time wasn’t mature or self aware. He didn’t understand when i tried to explain it to him so i just said forget it . It’s my problem so I’ll deal with it. I always wondered if this is really life and if these things actually happen to people. My first thought was why is this happening to me. I’ve been doing good and making ends meet but why am i still not happy with my life. And this is where me and my good friend Mary Jane met.

All the depression and stress was now swept away with a single puff of smoke. It really is amazing what weed can do for a person. However the withdrawals ate away at me. For a while i couldn't afford to smoke everyday. When it was over everything got to me. The slightest moment to myself and i was sad again thinking about my life going nowhere. It truly was tragic and devastating but i fought through and I'm still fighting. Trust me I'm still smoking weed every chance i get but this is about what i had to endure without.