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Life

So pure, I was so innocent. My life was easier than a lot of others -for the most part anyways. I was happy, I didn't understand about the world having so much pain and sadness. I knew it was there, but I never truly understood.

I grew up with bad mental health. I was officially diagnosed in the third grade, I was nine. They told me I had Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, also known as OCD. That's when all the doctors appointments started and the therapy. A rough period of life. Thinking back in my life now, I can see the symptoms had actually started when I was in first grade, about two years before. I never really told anyone that though.

Mental health was still scary to talk about in 2011, not seen as normal and common as it is today. People were still so uneducated. I can say that my mental health was the only thing I had really struggled with back then. Sometimes I wish I could go back, life isn't like that though. There aren't any time machines -as far as the public society knows.

I wonder what is in those top secret government facilities. It's always intrigued me, especially as I got older and left my past religion. There are so many beliefs in this world. But there are also so many stories and fairytales of different kinds of dimensions and worlds. Where did people come up with that stuff? Vampires, witches, aliens, time machines... some of those ideas had to have come from somewhere, right?

I think that's one of the biggest reasons I want to work for top secret agencies. Not to share with the world, but just to know for my own interests. I think it would help me make more sense of this world and help with my life purpose. I don't know what my life purpose is, but I think if I knew how we exist, what's actually out there, and life after death, I think it could help me to decide what to do with this life. Does that make sense?

Life was so simple back then. Before the heartbreak, tears, food disorder, confusion, love...

What is love? Is it having someone understand you, adventures, making you feel pretty? Is it having someone validating you and pushing you to do better? Sex? Is it being there for you unconditionally even when they hate you? I think it's different for each person, I don't know if its real or not. There isn't a simple definition.

Life would be so much more easier if everything had a simple definition -a simple explanation for all the hard questions. Then again, maybe that would make life boring.

The beginning of the end

When did my life become so complicated? I think in order to understand that, we have to start with how my life changed for- what I thought- was the better.

A few days before Christmas, he sat in the row ahead of me at the theater. There was joking between my friend and these boys during the previews. He came off as so kind and thoughtful. That was my first impression of him. I didn't realize how kind someone could be to a stranger.

He had a girlfriend then, but that didn't last. We started talking soon after, and he became my boyfriend not much longer. He was my first kiss, my first everything actually. He made me happier then I didn't even know I could be. I was a happy person before, I didn't mind being single and behind my friends in that part of life. I didn't care to have someone to depend on. I liked being independent.

Life was better than I knew possible. It lasted that way for 5 months. Until a text message and angry phone calls changed it all.

Goodbye to my younger self

The breakup isn't important, it was a stupid immature breakup on both of our parts. But for the three days following, I didn't eat. Not a single thing. Thinking about food or talking to people made me actually physically sick.

I didn't eat until I couldn't physically walk. My mom forced me to eat some eggs. My food and eating habits have never been normal or the same after that.

My heart wasn't the same either. My brain was different too. I was physically in pain, from sadness. I didn't even know that was possible. Life got better eventually, as it always does. But my outlook on life and mental and physical health was forever changed.

I think that's the day that changed me into an adult. I was still a teenager, but I didn't see life the way kids do anymore. It all was more complicated and confusing. I began to see life as the way it is, confusing, broken, messed up, and lonely.

Although I had and have amazing people in my life, the only constant understanding person in your life is you. You have to work and be the best version of yourself to make it well in life. To be happy in life, you have to work for it. I didn't understand that until after.

I still don't know the meaning of life, and I don't think I will find out for a very long time. But I know more now. He changed my life, and I regret nothing.

It's sad to not be able to stay a kid in a pretty bubble forever. It is also exciting to look for the adventure and meaning in life too though. Adulthood kind of sucks, but it sure is a wild wide to figure it out.

Wish me luck?