Flatlining

Not sure if I was born this way or not but at this point in my life, whether I was born like this or not, acknowledging this part of myself has been like living 2 completely separate lives.

I have kept this deep dark secret because of my fear of being abandoned, shunned, alienated and judged.

My ego has held me back and kept me stuck in the past and to be honest with you, I’m tired of living a double life!

The truth about my life which I am about to reveal to you is what I call my dark passenger.

Whatever your response to my truth is, I think that it’s best that I give people the opportunity to make up their own minds, knowing who I really am and I have to respect that decision whether people who meet me, remain or flee.

Either way, it’s just not fair to lie by virtue of omission.

In the past, I have abused alcohol as well as pain pills as well as sleeping pills or benzodiazepines.

To give you an idea of how bad it got for me, back in 2001, I consumed so many different pills and alcohol that I nearly died.

In order to get my hands on the pills I was addicted to, I doctor shopped and lied like a rug!

I was a liar, cheater, I was unreliable, and on June 1st, 2001 I was living with my fiance at the time, secretly abusing anything I could get my hands on and I did this because I was utterly miserable and trying desperately to numb the pain, escape any reality.

I accidentally overdosed but not before I called a bunch of people who could hear in my voice that something was very wrong.

Luckily, my mother was one of those I called in a drug and alcohol stupor.

After hearing my slurred speak she came over but she had to find a way to break into my house because I was not answering the door.

I was succumbing to the mixture of downers and by the time my mother got in, I had stopped breathing.

The paramedics arrived and started chest compressions which didn’t work.

The paramedics fired up their heart defibrillator and that didn’t work.

As a last resort, the paramedics stabbed a long sturdy syringe filled with adrenaline through my sternum and injected the contents of it directly into my heart.

My heart started.

At the hospital, the doctor in charge cautioned my mother not to have high hopes because, while they were able to restart my heart, no one knew how long my brain had gone without oxygen.

I came to with tubes everywhere not to mention one down my throat.

I looked up to see everyone rushing about but once they noticed that I was conscious they asked me what happened to me.

Because of the breathing tube down my throat, I couldn't speak so I signed with my hands that I needed a pad of paper and a pen in order to communicate and while they were gathering those things, I distinctly remember the thought I had.

The thought I distinctly remember having was that I surrendered my Will and my life over to my higher power which I chose to call God.

This was my very first spiritual experience.

The doctor informed me that I must have a very strong heart because I could easily be dead and that I was an extremely lucky person.

My memory was severely affected for the next 6 months. Upon release from the hospital, I couldn’t remember where I lived.

It took about 1 year for my brain to come back online and I would say that by year 5, I was better and sharper than I had ever been because I was no longer killing myself on the installment plan.

You see, my mother and my fiance (at the time) informed me that I was going to rehab.

Rehab was amazing because of what I learned about my disease, myself and people around me.

Here is the crazy part. I got very involved in a 12 step program and lived the most extraordinary life which exceeded my wildest dreams, vision and goals for the next 10 years BUT in 2011 I underwent a right total hip replacement and received pain pills.

Immediately I was off to the races because I proceeded to abuse the pain meds prescribed to me after the hip replacement surgery.

I turned into a lying, crazy selfish person once again.

In a very, very short period of time, I proceeded to lose everything and everyone.

I will spare you the victim's tale of the scorched earth and unrecognizable remnants which remained, laid to waste by the other person I become while in the throes of active addiction.

My blind spots were the makings of the delusional, inflated ego coupled with an ever shrinking self esteem.

The best thing which took place was the ultimate removal of every material totem or symbol tying me to the parasitic lifestyle I enjoyed my entire life at the expense of others.

I cursed my bad luck and blamed everyone and everything for doing this to me.

Later, it was through an awakening when I learned that losing my husband (divorce), home, mother, career, cars, inheritance, relationships, social life, influence, acceptance, respect, clothing, security, documents, grasp on reality, looks, youth, photographs, artwork, and perspective, it became a spiritual revelation that all of this actually happened for me.

The Universe placed several people in my life who made it possible to get the help I so desperately needed.

I still had a few friends who believed in me and who were willing to help me if I agreed to do certain things in certain ways.

These friends took a great risk in taking me into their homes because I was not the same person they knew.

They got me out of Denver and flew me back east where I had a network of people who understood the insanity of addiction and were all living in the solution.

Once back in D.C., I got sober, lived in a womens’ facility for homeless women for 9 months.

Eventually, I got humble, got a job and moved into my own place.

The program is where I found the solution to my problem.

The problem is me, drinking and abusing pills is but a symptom.

Anytime I have difficulty and/or a problem, I look in the mirror.

It’s the first drink which gets me drunk so as long as I am willing to remember that I have a physical allergy coupled with a mental obsession, help other, there's a chance I will live.

Mood and mind altering substances cause me to believe that I am the center of the universe so as long as I give myself permission to experience the mood and the mind naturally, I have a good chance of experiencing life on life's terms.

Today, I get to go to meetings everyday because I love the freedom, love, friendship and clarity I experience because I am connected and loved.

Today, I have so many choices. I’m free to drive past liquor stores with impunity. I’m free to focus my attention on others as opposed to obsessing about what I said to which doctor.

Today, I am rich!

I’m rich in friendships, service, family, finances, spirituality, natural beauty, health and the knowledge that I can do and be everything I am capable of, making it possible to give back to our world.

It’s time for me to rise up to help lift up the homeless and complete the cycle of giving to those in need because I can never forget what was so freely given to me.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read the story of my dark passenger.