Finding Me

My heart was never mine to begin with. Until I decided she did.

I always gave her to those who never took care of her. Who would, abuse her, abandon her. Never thought once to keep her for myself and love her. I thought as I got older someone would give her the love she deserves. Yet, I ended up in heart break and I'd slowly lose a piece of myself every single time. I honestly didn't know who I was or was suppose to be.

With my last situationship, it didn't break me like I thought it would. It was this little cute green vintage lamp that turned on inside my soul. I knew for once in my life, this is not want my heart deserved. Yes I thought about this a thousand times over the years after every fail friendship and relationship. Hell even family members breaking my heart. No, this was different. Like a fire was lit in my bubble ass and I knew what I had to do for this beautiful crazy heart of mine.

Here is the thing. I had no fucking clue on where to start. This man showed me a whole other world on nutriution and eating healither. I was already starting the gym life. So I started there. Eating healither, stopped drinking alcohol. soda. etc. Then of course I started drinking again after a depressive episode. But not as much as I would have done before. I started reading more spiritual books and indugled more into poetry. Continued my therapy. I even started listening to the same music genre in middle and high school. Lord that was a trip.

Learning how I hated going to the gym 6 days a week and tried sticking to a routine, and not giving in to temptations to fast food, while learning to love the skin and body that I have at the moment. Being a bigger woman of 170 lbs at 5'7 height. I have stretch marks and loose skin, went from 225lbs to 140lbs then back to 170lb changes a mindset especially dealing with the life I've had. It puts you into survival mode so deep rooted into your soul, it's so damn hard to unlearn everything that was second nature in protecting you. I have to look in the mirror nake and physically say out loud that "I am beautiful, I am sexy, I am powerful." I still have a hard time saying it even though I truly believe it.

I am learning how to not care about what other say about me when I am brutally honest and stubborn. Being a people pleaser contradicts with my anger problem. I want to help you but smack the hell out of you at the same time. Dealing with this whole new world, I have to let go of old habits and the old version of me so the new habits and the new version of me can take over. That is still an everyday battle. I still have road-rage. I still am a hopeless romantic who loves watching horror movies. I love animals more than I do people. But, learning new things about myself about how passionate I am with writing and that I can paint or how I want to start my own animal rehabilation center. I still have to be okay with the old things about myself that make me.. me.

I will still drink my wine, I will never compromise my peace for someone who doesn't even know that want me or not. I will continue to put sugar in my coffee but now I add oat milk. I will not feel ashamed of my fashion choices anymore. And love the weird memes that make me laugh. I will explore more into spiritualism and herbalistic medicine and not be ashamed or embarrassed by it no longer.

I have felt the guilt of leaving behind toxic family members that no longer help my healing process. I struggle mentally to get out of bed to go to work until I found my passion in working with animals. I will continue to make sure my heart is my priority and that she is safe. And yet, I will still love fully even if it scares me.

Going through what I went through in 26 years. I can say I am so proud of what I am becoming and is excited to see more. It's scary and dark out there, but I have a shit ton of lighters. So either it will light my way or be burned in the process. I have learned I love being out in nature and being around bonfires. So there's that.

All I know. This time, my heart belongs to me. And I am so damn proud of her.