Finally,Letting go!

Finally letting go. Before I catch your undivided attention with the words i’m fixing to speak just look at the picture and tell me , what do you see? Nothing special. Right!?. Well…That’s how i’ve felt since I was 8 years old , im now 20. We’re looking at a long,dead,depressing room right now. Another thing I see in this picture is that you can’t see if anything is waiting ahead to jump out and hurt you in any kind of way. That’s exactly how my life has been. Full of surprises , and not the good ones. I know you’d think I’ve had at least a few good days these past 12 years , but NO!. I had my own personal remedy to escape all the pain I do feel, but it stopped working after a while. Music isn’t helping anymore. Sleep isn’t helping anymore because I can never sleep. Enough with the simple things.

I didn’t truly understand or start feeling pain until I was 14. I knew what being upset and not happy felt like when I was a child because I felt it and I feel it now. I never wanted to blame anyone else for my pain, but this past week I’ve been thinking , and when i say thinking , I mean “smoking brain” thinking lol. And I finally came to the conclusion that my daddy is the one that caused all of this, and I just let it take a toll on me. My daddy went to prison when I was 8. 8!!!. I needed my daddy in my life,he was the only on I expected to see and hear from every single day after school. That man did everything for me, I didn’t have a care in the world about anything , cause I had my daddy by my side.

After he went to prison, I had my mom of course, but not the person I really wanted. The small things he did for me stopped after he left. I didn’t get stuff for christmas,my birthday or gifts anymore period. The gifts themselves isn’t what I really cared about , it’s just NOBODY CARED! Nobody did anything for me. That made me realized my daddy is all i had,the only one that really cared. For 12 years NOBODY CARED! I hate that I would do anything to feel a little bit of love , just cause I haven’t felt it since I was a child. All of this has made me who I am today and I’m going to be completely honest. I’m the sweetest person ever,but I became so cold hearted to the point where I can’t even show a person that I even care about them a little bit no matter how much I want to let them know. I’ve been so unhappy for so long, I don’t even know what it feels like to enjoy yourself,enjoy life,enjoy time or anything anymore. All I know is DEPRESSION.

I met a guy 5 months ago. He made me forget about “me” at times and it made me fall in love , quick. I never told him. He still doesn’t know and I don’t think he ever will. Everything about him , I actually love. Crazy I thought I would never even be thinking about kids until I met him. I have crazy baby fever right now. I tell myself I feel like a kid would turn my life all the way around , upside , all of that . In a good way!. But I can’t bring a child in to this unhappy life of mine. Surprise!!! Me and the guy recently stop talking because he cheated with a coworker. After everything I told him , he still did everything he promised he wouldn’t. And you wonder why I never told him those 3 famous words. That made me hurt all over again because somebody had finally came into my life and took my mind off some of the things that was holding me back. I let him in too deep. He honestly ruined it for the next person. Can’t let anyone else in.

All my life people have ignored me, treated me like I didn’t matter, put me last and just said forget me all around. Now i’m finally letting go!. Releasing all negativity,depression,anxiety,hate,hurt out of my head,hands,conscience and most importantly my heart. It’s time I blame myself for letting people run over me and make me more and more unhappy than I already was/am.

9 months i’ll be 21. That’s more than enough time for me to work on my mental health and that’s all I want to focus on for the next 9 months. I’m going to get everything good God has in store for me soon. But before he gives,I must work on myself in order to get the bigger blessings he want me to have. He knows what I want,He knows my heart<3 . I’ve finally let go. Peace.