Family Matters

Entering adulthood has been a relatively smooth experience for me, largely because I have focused on learning from those who came before me to avoid making the same mistakes. However, it turned out to be much more difficult than I initially expected, primarily because I was resistant to the conclusions of the lessons passed on by others. Over time, I found myself coming to the same conclusions, which is why I no longer resist those lessons. Key lessons include choosing friends wisely, not trusting too easily, and protecting one’s reputation. I often let my emotions lead me down a different path, believing my friendships would be different or thinking we were smarter than our parents, so we wouldn’t fall into the same traps. However, life has reminded me that while time may pass, human nature remains consistently the same.

The Complexity of Family Relationships

One of the areas that consistently plagues our societies is dealing with family relationships — the dynamics we have with each family member, the disagreements, the fights, the misunderstandings, etc. Unlike friendships, which can be made or broken periodically, a family is a much stronger bond that generally lasts for life and brings us back to the same people consistently. Ideally, you would want everyone in your family to be happy and thriving, for each person to be loving, and for there to be a certain level of fairness. The ideal family is one that is strong and resilient; no matter what issues they face, they emerge stronger and more united. They value each other more than anyone outside the family, with a common name being proof of that solid bond.

Unfortunately, divisions among families are becoming more common in our society today. Although I cannot provide accurate statistics, I am sure we all know families that are divided, or we might even be victims of this. From my perspective, the root of the problem lies primarily in disagreements and differing worldviews. While poor communication and misunderstandings certainly play a role, I believe that differing worldviews are the main culprit.

Learning from Corporate world

Let’s first look at a standard before diving deeper into the problem: one standard of collaboration and cooperation that has stood the test of time, scalability, and future-proofing is the corporate world. In a company, there is a big vision, a set of rules, and a clear mechanism to achieve that vision. Everyone who enters that company (family) must conform to those rules or face sanctions, with the most extreme being termination (expulsion from the family). This is a proven standard that works well, is scalable, resilient, and productive, especially with humans. Now, when you look at a family, or better yet, when you look at your family, what is your overall vision? What rules govern you all? What mechanisms are in place to get you there?

The Role of Family Leadership

It is the duty of the head of the family to set a vision. The tone the father sets in the house determines how the rest of the family moves. He might set a tone of hard work, love, laziness, or a carefree attitude, but the tone he sets determines the family’s vision. The rules parents put in place also set the tone in the household, and the mechanisms in place to achieve that vision are equally important. Unfortunately, in most families where there are disagreements, all three aspects are neglected. Essentially, everyone does what they feel like, develops their own vision and set of rules, and goes their separate ways.

This is all well and good until they have to collaborate with each other. That’s when a collision of worlds happens, making it difficult to cooperate and often leading to disagreements. This is precisely where most family matters arise.

Drawing Parallels with Corporate Structures

Returning to the example of companies, any company operating with the corporate model can easily collaborate with another that does the same. They understand how things are done, there is a clear hierarchy and mechanisms in place to get things done; all they need is an entry point to fit in. On the other hand, imagine a business with a different model trying to work with a company — these are two different worlds. While modern societies have found ways to make things work, the point remains clear.

A business prioritizes speed, while a company often prioritizes conformity and consistency.

Now, when you look at families, you have different individuals with different worldviews, leading to different ideas about how things should be done. Some believe ideas matter more; others believe resources are more important. Some think age should be the determining factor, while others have their own beliefs. These inconsistencies in worldviews often lead to conflicts. For instance, one family member may believe they don’t have to do anything but should receive all the help they need due to their relationship with others. Another family member might think everyone has to work hard for what they earn, while yet another believes that the family’s wealth belongs to everyone.

Establishing a Clear Family Vision

There is no point in trying to convince either side otherwise — everyone has their worldview, and it would be nearly impossible to change anyone’s mindset. Fortunately, we need not search for a solution because examples of ideal models already exist. Similar to a company or society in general, the tone has to be set from the top down. A vision must be shared by the leader, rules established, and the mechanisms to achieve that vision clearly communicated to everyone. This doesn’t mean everyone has to do the same thing or think the same way, but the terms of cooperation and collaboration within the family must be clearly set.

• Some families prioritize hard work and wealth, expecting everyone to contribute their fair share of effort to make the family wealthy. Those who don’t are chastised and lose authority within the family.
• Other families are more community-oriented, focused on bringing everyone together, and those who try to sow division are set apart.
• Yet, other families focus on developing an identity of kindness, love, and empathy, with those who don’t align with that vision being set apart.

In all these scenarios, there is a clear expectation from everyone, rules that everyone must conform to, and a mechanism to achieve the family’s vision. In families where these elements are absent, collaboration becomes a major problem, and conflicts consistently arise.

A simple example of parent-child conflict is when a parent wants their child to do something they believe will benefit them, while the child thinks otherwise. Two different worldviews come into conflict, leading to disagreements. However, with a clear vision that everyone aligns with, these conflicts can be avoided. The parent won’t compel the child to do anything and the child knows to choose something which aligns with the vision of the family.

Conclusion

In conclusion, the reason why so many conflicts arise in families is because there isn’t a shared vision that everyone adheres to. This leads each person to create their own vision and define the rules that govern their thinking. That’s how you end up with people who can’t agree with each other and continuously fight, even over the most basic things. The problems are exacerbated when there is a disparity of wealth among family members. My advice would be to define a clear vision for your family and set the rules that everyone must adhere to. This will lay the foundation for everything you need to do together. Beyond that, trying to change someone’s worldview is an uphill battle.

Thanks for reading ☺️