Fake Friends

New place, no friends. When I met you I thought we were the same. I wanted to help, to show you love and kindness because you told me your head was underwater. I made an effort to say hi.

You confided in me and I confided in you. Nights of ordering in and watching movies. Gossiping about dates and classmates. I thought that all meant that we were friends and maybe we were, but in the end, you cast me aside.

It hit like a truck, degrading as a smack in the face. Out of nowhere and without any remorse, you said you were done. Even though we've been making plans for next semester for months. Where to go hiking, what decor to add to the apartment, and what to do for the 4th of July.

You didn't mean any of it. You already decided by then that you didn't want me apart of your life anymore. Oh, but how you let me go on about how excited I was. Everything, all the plans, confessions, and concerns you told me, they were all lies.

I always pictured my college years differently. I thought the friends I made here would be my friends for life. I was naive to think that everyone came here with good intentions. I thought we all grew up, so why do I feel like I'm back in junior high?

The lies, secrets, and cliches, haven't disappeared. It's all right here. Maybe these things never go away, but that doesn't change what you did. The hurt and embarrassment you caused will stain the year we were "friends". All I have to say to you now is, "why?"

We all expect our college days to be filled with excitement and fulfilling one's potential. Why is my experience so different? My first year at university was a complete trainwreck, with no survivors. I was determined to make my second year better. I met my new roommate and we got on so well. I was so relieved, I found a friend. However, that wasn't true. Maybe it was because I was so excited that my year was already looking up so I was blind to it. You weren't my friend, you just saw me as a pathetic girl with nobody. You weren't wrong, but that doesn't change the cruelty in it. What's the point of even pretending? Why not just make it obvious right out of the gate?

Even though this experience was painful, I learned more about myself. As much as I wish it wasn't true, I seem to need someone to be able to function well. However, I also learned that I'm a good person that deserves to have good people in my life.

Making new friends takes time and effort, along with a certain level of vulnerability. You're pretty much out in a crowd with a big sign that says, "I don't have any friends, but will you be mine?" Opening up to new people can feel demanding but, if you find the right person it will be enriching for many years to come.

So thanks for the pain and the games. Thanks for the lessons I learned. I know no one in this world is perfect and while you are no longer my concern... I forgive you for your imperfections since we all have our transgressions.

That was me..... 3 years ago

Looking back on how my relationships were with others, it was no wonder I struggled. I was desperate for love but didn't know how to let people love me. I had a stone wall around me, that I had built up over the years to protect me from rejection. Funny enough that's the only thing it didn't do. I still felt painfully ingnored and passed over, time and time again. I didn't know what to do, I thought I was doing everything right.

The only thing I did know was that I was the common factor. So it had to be me. I must be doing something wrong. I decided to work on taking that wonderful sturdy wall of mine down, brick by brick. The idea of that alone was terrifying. Yes, this emotional wall I built kept me distant from others unable to make deep guinuine relationships with anyone. However, I had it in my head that this barrier was necessary for me to be able to function. That idea alone took countless hours of meditation, journaling, and application for me to doubt where or not that was actaully true.

Now, don't get me wrong I still got rejected plenty of times after peeking through the gaps in that wall that sometimes I asked myself "what's the point?!" and covered the openings back up. At some point I was so exhausted that I couldn't keep sustaining the wall. I felt completely alone, betrayed and abandoned and honestly thought no one noticed me. The wall around my soul collapsed in on itself. I started showing the world what I was feeling and if anyone asked how I was doing I told them the truth.

One time a woman at the check-out counter of a grocery asked me how my day was while scanning my items. To give some background I was in the worst year of my life and if I got out of bed that day, even just to lie on the floor it was a successful day. Even though I had what I deemed a "successful day" I still felt like every part of my being was fighting to stay aware, to stand upright, to process the world around me. So when this woman asked me "How's your day going?" I replied, "Really terrible."

As time passed and I was able to switch out some negative behaviors / habits for more positive ones, I found myself feeling better. Not quite happy. I became more comfortable with myself and more comfortable being honest with people. All these little things I had consistently done over the years actually helped. Now, in grad school I look around and see myself hanging out with friends on the weekends, meeting up with classmates after lectures, and having people asking me for my opinion.

Looking even just back a year, if I asked that version of me if she had any hope at all, she would say no. In fact, it was the only thing she was confident about. Now, I'm a better version of me, a stronger version of me. I couldn't be as strong as I am now if I didn't have to face so much resistance before. Just remember, this moment is never the end, just a step towards a new better future, as long as you keep trying. If it wasn't for all the fake people in my life I would never understand how to be real.