Even single, I got relationship issues

I’m a sucker for love and spending Valentines day’s single for the first time in 8+ years is something I knew I needed, craved and should still celebrate on my own. I have always been about self-realization and I believe I’m going through one of the biggest realizations ever.

I am finally accepting that the childhood I had although sustainable has caused a lot of pain, confusion and unacceptable behaviours. I am learning to break certain patterns and mentalities that were subconsciously programmed in me as a child while attempting to wake up and treat every day as a blank canvas; learning, making mistakes, erasing, and redoing what is necessary.

I had no idea what my first Valentine's Day would be like and while I documented the whole day working, nothing prepared me for all the evening drama I encountered

• Shutdown text from my ex
• Stupid misunderstanding with my last Hinge date
• Ridiculous emotional rollercoaster fight with this bar boy and bar friends

The love I have for my ex is so fuckn strong, it makes me nauseous and I don’t know how to get over it. Suggestions everywhere say to “focus on yourself and grow” and I’ve done that. I thought I did that 6 years ago. I thought I’d been doing that all of 2021 and yet the second I allowed him back in, I got strapped in for the biggest wake-up call.

I don’t know what’s worst, that he knows it and tries to protect me from seeing what would break my heart or that he is constantly breaking my heart and it’s my fault. I’m still stuck on him. Stuck on us. Stuck on what we used to be. Stuck on what we had.

Lately, we randomly started chatting on social media after our summer fall out and a few weekends ago he impulsively asked me to go on a road trip for the night. He knew I’d say yes, so of course, my response was “let’s go” but he quickly backed out, mentioned he has a girlfriend, that he shouldn’t have asked and asked if we could really be friends.

At this point, I didn’t want to respond but gave in being who I am and said of course. I’ve attempted at being friends once, so why not try again. We continued to talk about vehicle-related things because I know he’ll always have something to say about it. The conversation went sour when he said I should have put out if I wanted my windshield fluid refilled when he joked he had a jug with my name on it.

This was a couple of days before Valentine's day - I left him on read until the day of and just randomly sent him a photo of my snowed-in driveway and told him to pull up with a shovel and bring that windshield fluid jug.

His response, for which I’m still on the floor rolling and laughing, but not really, kind of just internally crying into mother earth. Hoping she’ll take me back, he replied with “can’t be talking to you I have a girlfriend” which lead me to believe she either found out OR he’s really feeling the love in the air - which I’ll respect either-or; no response needed there.

To check his socials I go and instantly I’m blocked, of course; now, why would I be blocked? I know I’ve done that but that’s something he was always against, so, if he wanted his I'm taken message to be clear why block - why not allow me to see the cliche Valentine’s day post he was going to make? He knew I would still see it from my other spam accounts, so maybe she did find the messages and he just had to remove me.

Did it crush me as much as other things? No - this was expected - we’ve never sat down and settled our issues, so of course, we’ll be hitting a wall until we decide to face the hard truth.

Little did I know that this text from my ex was just the tip of the iceberg and soon after, my last Hinge date started some drama with me that I can’t even remember what it was about. Just the worst miscommunication, I remember asking myself “why today?” - why all these attacks and misunderstandings today, especially when I’m single and should be spending this time on myself, loving myself. This miscommunication quickly becomes clouded by the next emotional rollercoaster of the night.

I have to say, being disrespected by a man I gave my whole heart to and his group of friends that I believed were becoming my good friends turned out to be the most painful drama on that day. In this hilarious and fun group of friends, there are multiple emotionally unavailable men but I fell in love with the one that isn't capable of a relationship. Regardless our friend group became stronger and we were hanging out more often therefore I knew drama was bound to happen knowing how the bar boy acts. I wasn’t expecting it to be today, out of all days, but it happened and that led to a bad anxiety attack that finally made me view this man I love differently. I will always love him. He will always be a key part of my life and the journey I was in 2021, but I deserve better. I deserve respect, without question.

Everything that I cannot stand: being accused of things I’ve never done and hearing my name being mentioned and dragged in rooms I have no clue about really bothers me. I know my truth and I know I don’t have to prove anything to anyone, but it’s heartbreaking to know that the friendships I thought I was building and had major trust in were betraying me behind my back.

I knew this day was going to be hard, just because I know myself and how much I love love, so I planned to keep myself busy. I planned to do Instacart deliveries and spoil myself with some flowers and goodies at the end of the night with a game of Sims4, but since all this drama went on for a couple of hours, I was a bit delayed, but I still stuck with it.

After I calmed down, it was 8:30 P.M and I refused to sleep without spoiling myself to the roses and wine I was thinking about all day. So I showered and finally started unwinding - I was desperately hoping this was the end of all the drama for the day and thankfully it was. I warmed up some leftovers, turned on an episode of Below Deck and attempted at the puzzles I got at Dollar Tree.

Below is the video I made for TikTok, in the visual version there is no sight of drama. I prefer to vent through my writing, so if you enjoy the tea, you'll most likely find it here. I hope you had a lovely Valentine's day, or as lovely as possible and if not, every day is a new opportunity to pamper and love on yourself.

Thanks for sticking around, until next time ox