Emotionless

I never knew the love of a mother or how to love someone but I always wanted to try and seek something. My mom would always ask why I never said I love you to her. I would be lying if I did say it but I can’t tell her that. I know I do have emotions but I never know how to explain or act them out. I would have crushes here and there but never too serious. As I got older I wrote poems never understood the ones people wrote but I understood mine. I remember I would write them after my grandfather passed away I didn’t know why. I was never the type of person to be into poems but I liked the way I would write mine. I can’t act on emotion but I can write it. When I was 17 I tried to get into a relationship we talked they asked me out so on. We were into it 1 month they told me they loved me. I couldn’t say it back because I didn’t know what they loved about me was it me as a whole or just a part of me. I didn’t understand love I guess it all started when I got rejected or maybe when grandfather died my emotions and expectations all went flying out. I didn’t when it started but I wanted to feel something. I will be sharing some of my poems with you if you would like that. Anywho my mother and father were the only persons I didn’t know how to bond with. I would try but everytime they would talk my brain wouldn’t come up with question just the basics like how was work or how was you day. I guess you could say I was living with strangers. I may not remember much of my childhood memories but I do remember two car crashes. Not vividly but I know they happened. Also I never really was around my parents that much. They were always working for me and my sister to give us a better life but the thing is they missed out on somethings. I remember I had got a play in a part and my mom would always go to my sisters so I told my mom and dad. That I had got a part in a play she said sure we will go. When we arrived at the school before going in my parents told me finish your part and then we will leave after you are done. I felt a little mad when they said that to me. I was confused in my mind I said but you stayed for my sister whole music play why not mine. After that moment I got on stage kids were singing then it was my turn to say my part after I did. I stayed on stage but from the stage I saw my parents getting up telling me to go with them but I didn’t I stayed for the whole thing. I didn’t care that they were angry because I was angry at them and embarrassed when they were shouting my name telling me to leave with them. How can you do that to a 8yr old. I was suppose to be having fun not feeling nervous and out of place being rushed. Anyway that was an eventful night. I think we will never understand each other in a way. Everytime I speak up it just ends up in an argument and I understand where they are coming from but they will never understand mine because they don’t know what it is like to have to find some type of feeling.