Driving to School

Dear Mom,

It has been three years since the last time I saw you, and today I realized how funny memories can be. There are certain things we will never forget and there are other things we beg to forget. The look on your face when we last saw each other is something that haunts me to this day, and I beg and pray every day to forget it. That never happens.

Today is Mother's Day, another day that I wish I could just erase from my memory and pretend it is just another normal day. My therapist said that repressing memories inside is not a healthy coping mechanism, but honestly is the only one I have ever known. Since I started to remember things, and moments become memories all I have done is tried to repress them and keep them bottled up inside me.

But since today is a day the whole world is celebrating and I will not be able to ignore it, I figured it was time to try a different approach, hence this letter. I wanted to tell you something that I never told you before and I hope you can understand it, please really try to understand it from my point of view.

Do you remember when I was maybe 11 or 12 years old? You were already not living with me and dad anymore. But you were always at the house, and that made me happy to know my parents got along just fine enough for me to have both of them in my life. I remember that you used to sleep over and take me to school in the mornings, if you think about it like this it seems a nice memory no? However, what I remember is fear. I was so scared of that drive to school, I used to beg dad just to let me take the bus but he always said it was a good thing you wanted to take me to school and I should let you. And I wanted to please you so badly that I let you, do you remember those mornings?

Maybe you do not remember, because you were too high to remember how to drive properly. How could you remember my scared face? A child is supposed to feel safe around their mothers, always. And I did not feel safe around you, not all the time at least.

I am telling you this now because I really want you to understand that putting a distance between us was a simple survival mechanism. You say that since I found out about your drug problems our relationship was never been the same, but I disagree, our relationship was damaged a long time before I found out about your disease. And yes, I see it as a disease. You are sick Mom, and I want you to get better but I do not want to lose myself in the process.

I am telling you this story not to hurt you, I do not want you to think you were the worst mother. You were the mother you could be at the time and that is okay. But please understand that I am being the daughter I can be at this time, I decided to put this distance between not to hurt you but to protect me, I need not be scared to be around you. You always say that you want your caring and loving daughter back, you want the 5 years old version of me. The one who was caring, sweet and loved you with all her heart. What you don't understand is that I still love you the same but I am not naive anymore. I see you as a whole. I see my lovely mother who used to braid my hair and who helped me with my calligraphy( which is still awful by the way). But I also see the woman who lost her mother to cancer and is still coping with the grief and the drugs were an escape from it. Seeing you as who you are now is not easy and I am doing my best to be able to help you.

I want you to know that I forgive you. I forgive you for making me hold tight to my seat during those drives to school. I forgive you for not being there when I needed you the most. I forgive you for not coming to my High School Graduation. I forgive you for looking at me like I disappointed you on that last day we saw each other, on the day that I told you I could not do this anymore and that I was not coming back to see you. If you need my forgiveness to move forward and get better, then you have it. But I really hope you decide to get better not for me but for you. And, above all I really hope you decide to get to know me, the 24-year-old woman I become not the 5-year-old daughter you once had.

I know today will not be easy for you, and I am pretty sure this letter will not improve your day much. My intention here was never to hurt you, I really believe in you and in your recovery. There are so many Mother’s days to live, and I hope you get some together in this life.

I am not scared of you anymore Mom, please know that. I will be here when you are already to meet me. The now me.

With Love,

Your Daughter.