Dissociation, Chaos and love in my mind.

Day 1

This book is about my life, I will be writing this book as I would talk in real life, so sometimes it may be hard to follow, so challenge is on you if you can keep up or not. My life has been full of ups and downs, right now I can mainly just remember the downs, but I am working through this with my therapist. I will not be writing my name or the names involved in my life, so the characters in my book will be names I have made up,I am not about to get sued for telling my story. lol! If you are still up to the challenge to follow along with my mind. Welcome to my life.

My name is Iris. Nice to meet you. Iris is a name I have used since I was in my teens. I am guessing I came up with this name because she is one of my Alter personalities. I have some strong personalities and I am learning more and more about them as time goes on, but.....let's bring you up to date. We are currently in 2022, that means this is year 3 with Covid-19 and its variants kicking around, and so it goes to say Year 3 is when I finally catch it, not only do I catch it My entire family does as well, and good ole me spread it to my Bestie Sapphire and her daughter Rayven, needless to say this past week and a half has been a big old blur.My husband Stanley brought me to the ER because i was experiencing Joint pain and i was so light headed I felt like I was on a boat, the joint pain was so bad I could not open a soda bottle and it hurt to walk i almost slipped a few times because of it, I was so light headed I couldn't barely think straight, actually I felt pretty confused at that point and it only got worse from their, with having those symptoms the last thing I thought was "hey I have Covid".

When I got to the ER, some Karen woman looked at me, and was like "I knew I should have gone to the walk-in", I mean I must have looked like the walking dead or something and she could clearly read the future and knew I had the Covid. I finally got in to be seen and they gave me some pain meds, which i'll tell you what Either Covid is really" Methed" up or my body is because these pain meds only worked for the left side of my body, the professionals couldn't explain it, anyways they stuck that awful long a** Q-tip in my nose, after hours with half my body STILL in pain, the Doc. comes in and says "well you got the Covid" I didn't have a fever, not even a cough so I was thinking to myself "thought I would be hacking a lung praying to the toilet gods and begging for air, once I actually caught the Covid" but instead I am on a boat, interesting.

My husband brought me to my besties because he works away all week, turns out you can still get Covid if you have been vaccinated. So to all those who got the jab, yall can still get it, if by the time you read this you haven't figured this out yet, Because Saphire she got the jab and she caught the Covid. Picture this is in your mind now, The two adults get Covid with the worst symptoms like Covid was like BAM you need sleep you will sleep now, you had no choice in the matter, the 4 children they got it but mild symptoms, just enhanced there Attitudes, so yeah the house was fun (a fun madhouse )lol.

Today we are doing much better, just some lingering symptoms, but pretty much back to normal, whatever normal is. I knew I was starting to feel better when it was nighttime all snuggled up in bed, and I couldn't sleep, my brain decided to think of any useless thing it could think of to keep me up, last night i made myself stop talking because I realized I was keeping my husband up, talking about Bigfoot, panthers and foxes. I turned around so I wouldn't be tempted to keep talking, I tried counting 1,2,3 over and over but that was keeping me up. so the song that says "okay now stop collaborate and listen" popped into my head and every time my mind would wander I would say "STOP collaborate and listen" to bring my mind back into focus. Then my mind decides to play old commercials in my head so first I was trying to remember the lucky charms theme song "horseshoes stars and clovers, pots of gold and rainbows and me red balloons" kept saying it over and over because it didn't sound right to me, then the owl comes out of nowhere holding the damn lollipop finding out how many licks it takes to get to the tootsie pop and says "let's find out 1,2 3 Crunch" that owl never will find out. smh,oh and here comes the kool-aid man bursting through the wall saying "OOOOH YEAH" by this time I got up and took some melatonin because this was ridiculous and I knew I wasn't getting any sleep.

Hearts,stars ,horseshoes, clovers and blue moons ,hourglasses ,rainbows and tasty red balloons, needless to say my memory was a bit off it was driving me nuts so just had Sapphire look it up after I couldn't find it on Youtube because apparently those tasty marshmallows were around back in the 1960's,so many commercials, now i wonder how long ago the Owl and kool-aid man commercials came out. I am sure I will be looking that up next... you see useless facts that consume my day, it's actually quite annoying because my Mind won't shut up, it seriously thinks so much that it drives me batty sometimes. Speaking of the 1960s if there is a such thing of time Eras you may have been living in before ,like past lives the 60s would be my Era, I would totally be that chic in the cool like beetle type van with peace signs on it, with my hair down with a flower in it, where those bell bottom jeans protesting peace and love jamming out to The Beatles. Hell ya.

I see my therapist tomorrow and I am very excited to show her my progress on this book that I am currently writing, that you are reading. I think she will love it. She is pretty awesome. We clicked right away, like we could chill. That's why I like her. I am just me and she laughs at me because I am freaking hilarious. Just kidding but really it's no joke. I crack myself up all the time. I just read that to Sapphire and her reply "good thing your not an egg, you would crack everywhere" she is funny too, we would make a great reality series.

When I was younger I use to have this theory and who knows anything in the world is possible, but it goes back to Aliens and you believe or you don't, but sometimes life is so strange you know like when we read Goosebumps choose your own path books as children, it like we continually have to keep picking which direction we go in life, so now picture this its like maybe the Aliens are up in there spaceships holding there controllers playing a version of sims, but we are the sims characters and we are their entertainment and game or t.v. reality so depending how they are feeling that day chooses the smooth or messed up ride we are about to take in the chapter or level of our lives, if you imagine it you can see it.

I saw a U.F.O once, My poor dad I gave him a heart attack almost every night because i was such a paranoid child/teen hey probably adult too but we will get more into that eventually but on this particular night i looked out my window and i remember a gray type of ship with a bright neon green light on it, just one light, I watched it slowly move higher and higher in the sky till it stopped in it tracks and then went so fast like the speed of light to the right and completely disappeared, I ran into my fathers room "DAD DAD DAD'' he woke up and jumped out of his bed and said "what's wrong", I proceeded to tell him how I saw a U.F.O and I wanted to get him to show him but I was in so much shock that i just watched it, he was like "that is very cool, you should get some sleep". so I went into my room and started counting to try and sleep I ended up just counting for hours , and back when i was a child I would just sing AC/DC songs over and over in my head till my dad got up for work then i would go to bed. I know I was a strange child. I have no idea what to say about it, lol.

Have you ever had recurring dreams before? I have had many dreams that have stuck with me and i would love to actually understand the purpose or meanings to them sometimes so I will be telling you about some of them through my book, I used to have a psychiatrist and the one thing I remember telling him more then once if I just didn't dream I might be okay, My dreams are so real, they are mostly scary or intensive or both and I wake up from them with all the emotions and cant get them out of my head after I have them, it's the worst sometimes. one of my recurring dreams I can still remember pretty clearly after all these years.

My father Decide to make a couple greenhouses in his front lawn, he decided that he would sell flowers because he loved gardening and digging holes, there was this lady that came to see his flowers and was very interested in them, so much that she came back twice in one day to admire them and purchase some, the lady was probably in her fifties because she had short wavy hair but mostly gray, my dream then moves into night time where it is time for bed, in my dream its set up like I had it set up in real life with shopping bags from the door to my bed so I could here if someone came in my room, the lady that was at the green house early that day had broken into the house, she opened my door and I could hear her stepping on the bags and getting closer I tried not to move or breathe loud and suddenly she stabs me with a knife and I lay there just bleeding out till I die.

Well now you can probably tell why I hate dreaming and why I have had that particular dream over and over I have no idea, all I can conclude is I am afraid of a stranger stabbing me in the back somehow, but maybe there is something deeper to this, maybe it could help explain why I am the way I am. The good thing about life is when you figure out some things, that's when you can learn to heal from them.

This is my current goal in life to go through my life's traumas and or other things and learn to process them so i can not let it define behaviors I have today , although some behaviors are probably necessary, I mean it can't be too bad to have some mechanisms set up to not get hurt and try to be safe, or does it put you right into a path of destruction, i don't know i guess you can look at everything in two or more perspectives in life no matter what it is. I just want to be a better human all around. FYI if you have been able to keep up with how my thoughts are written down, kudos to you.