Dim Light

Dear Mom

Since the day I was born, everybody around me praised your name, like you are a goddess, an angel without wings, the light in deep dark times, you gave all the love and care to everybody around you, I don't have a confession but a question, did the river of love drained from your heart when it comes to me?

I remember one day, when I was 12 years old, I came back from school, everybody was crying and shouting in deep grief in our home, suddenly my legs stopped working. I don't want to steep inside. I was hoping to run back; maybe everything would be back to the way it was before if I kept going back, but life doesn't work that way. I got the worst news in my young life could handle losing my two and only brother and sister to a car accident.

The next few days were unforgettable and hurtful, and yet one day, you just left, leaving the dim light in our house to be darker. I keep asking myself to find an excuse for why you left me all alone on the brink of growth. I looked around; you were nowhere to be found. I keep believing you will come back one day to give me a motherly hug and tell me everything will be alright.

I just want to know why, why I wasn't worth it for you to stick around to watch me grow to be the man meant to be, you want to know what the worst thing I did was, to dream of the love and caring I never got from you I let down the only person stood with me all along my dear father to find the love got nothing to do with me, I guess the mth took over the fact.

Every time I go out to play with my friends, they get hurt; their mother would run to check on them, give them a hug and let them know everything would be alright. Those beautiful moments were sliced into my heart.

I got your whereabouts after 11 years. I didn't even take time to change my clothes, so I just took a plane to see you, and after a while, I saw you leave the house with a little girl on your back with, a boy holding your hands get to your husband van, I thought seen you happy after all these years will feel good, but it wasn't, it really hurt me seen you delighted and happy, I felt like I wasn't worthy of the love and caring of motherhood, I cried that day as I lost you over and over again.

You just moved on like the past got nothing on you, I wasn't crying because you moved on, I was crying because I couldn't fathom you would do that to me, I hold my father hostage of happiness so when you come back, we could be a happy family again, he never complained, I guess don't want to break my heart he got nothing but a good story to tell about you, but like you, I was a self-centered selfish little boy I never saw the light with his view.

The second time I saw you were at your funeral, I got your letter, by the way, if you were hoping to make a defense for your doing swing a miss, I'm not going to understand your choice of what you did, when I lose my kids because I know at least one person who still stands with me in that dark time, you ask for your forgiveness for your mistake, no mistake is when you call someone with the wrong name, but no, no, no, noo you choose to leave everything and everybody behind to start a new life, that is choice not mistake ma.

I'm leaving this confession as the last say. because I'm moving on since you moved on with the letter. Here are my last words for you, Mother, I'm not sorry for not crying over your grave, I'm not sorry for not grieving your death; unlike you, I going to be the rock to my little sister and brother who need me to be, I give them all the love and caring my father inherited to me.

I also got the answer to my question; there was nothing wrong with me but you. I wasn't horrible to be loved; I was just trying to find love in the wrong places.

May you rest in peace