Diary of a Sociopath

A windy autumn evening in Finland. Getting colder and darker as winter approaches. Leaves are turning yellow and the clouds take away the little warmth from the sun.

Too many thoughts. Mind is racing. Grim feelings taking over. Let’s write, that always helps. Just write, it will calm me. Maybe we‘ll find some answers. The therapist suggested it but it has worked so far.

Here is a copy from that night. I don‘t mark the dates. Because usually I don’t read my entries again.. this one is special.

X.X/X.X/2024

What do I even say? Little pieces of happiness given and taken away in such succession. How am I still alive? Or is it just one of those things I will forget?

Hey, this is not about you.

I talked with my friend. He doesn’t get it. I tried telling him, he just doesn’t get it. He should get that it’s time to move on.

Or is it my time?

What is it about this girl? Is it her or is the lack of anyone else? Why haven’t I gotten this kind of love before.

HEY! NOT YOU!

He got away, he’s tolerating. Knowing him, he won’t for long. The seed is planted, it will grow. Or will it? He needs to talk and you planted that as well. He will get it one day. He knows how precious it is. Life, no matter how painful, is still better this way.

Damn.. is this the adventure I have been looking for? A foe? An opponent? This is it, isn’t it?

Playing calm, are we?

Not about me, remember?..

Say, who are you?

Your doubts, fears.

Why like this?

I am stronger now. It only gets worse.. and you know it.

Do you want It like this?

I know where this is going.. The answer is no..

If you die, I die.

Only protecting you.

Thanks. Appreciate It. I’ll solve this

LOL.

We have survived this far.

Remember?.. When you thought this was the last stand?.. What if it is?

Damn, you are strong. So what, you want? Us to get out?.. Stop playing, I know you want that. You want me to kill myself.

Is it that wrong?

You know that we don’t give a shit about right or wrong.

Then?

We’ll miss out. So much to look forward to. Even if we do it alone.

Yeah, so?.. It’s gonna happen anyways.. We’ll leave everyone behind.. The world keeps spinning...

…

Silence?

Thinking.

Really? You’re gonna outsmart yourself?

I’ve done it before.

Not like this.. You couldn’t even beat him.. Make him realize.. He’s your friend! For God’s sake, you know him!

Fuck you! It’s planted, the idea is in his head. He’ll soon see that I was right.

Yeah, well he—

Remember? Remember, the time you thought ‘time’ was the enemy. I fought beside you. We did what we did to outsmart time. Now you want to run from it?

…

Silence?

Nice try..

You know that I am right.. Lately, you have started using ‘time’ as an ally. A tool, if you will. It has done wonders, hasn’t it? No more anxiety, no running around, no pressure to make every microsecond count.

…

It’ll take shape. It’ll grow. Give it time. Let’s keep going. We got this.

…

Our ally, time, tells me; it’s not about us.. It’s for her happiness.. Let’s make sure she’s happy.. Even if she’s not mine… I will wait..

…

I know you will too..

…

…

There? Please don’t go? I am so alone…

…

...

If you can read this. I love you... Even if we die alone. Nothing can separate us. Just not how the universe works..

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