Dear Phoenix Letter #4

Dear Amanda,

The year 2014 was ten years ago when I started working at Savers (A thrift store in the north) and where I met you. Honestly, from past drama I was nervous to meet you. A high school friend at the time said you were really chill and that we’d get a long just fine.

Still, I was nervous. Meeting new people is always a scary thing. I was more or less afraid of being judged. Not once have you ever judged me. You’ve been my best friend now for ten years. It’s crazy isn’t it? It only feels like a few week ago for me.

Amanda, I miss you.

The move to Tennessee was super hard for me as I bet it was for you. We didn’t get to say bye to each other, and I know that hurt us both. I never meant to hurt you.

I remember the first few months down here I cried almost every night because I missed our shenanigans. I missed our adventures. You were always showing me the coolest places that I had no idea existed. You always made sure I had clothes on my back when my old ones got raggedy because of how much money I had been giving that sad excuse of a woman for rent even though we both knew she wasn’t paying the bills at all.

Even now, you still find ways to take care of me, but my nieces and nephew too. You always covered for me when we went out. It hurt my pride knowing that I could never repay your kindness back. It still hurts.

Do you remember when you first came over and everyone at the house had a huge music jam session? We were dancing in the tiniest part of the house, the kitchen and dining room area. We listened to all sorts of music. I hadn’t felt that much fun in a long time.

I had other friends, or so I thought. You remained my ride or die. I had posted a video on TikTok about how I left all the haters in Massachusetts, and those who I thought were my friends thought I was saying it about them. They all had stopped talking to me.

When you saw the video, you gave it a heart and told me that everything happens for a reason. You were right. As the saying goes “If the shoe fits”. The only time they ever wanted to hang out was because they needed photographs done and they knew I’d do them for free.

Do you remember the time we had our own little shoot and you took amazing photograph of me? That’s when I knew you had amazing photography skills. I use that picture on my photography page profile picture. I may look different now, but that is my favorite picture of myself.

I have always hated my image, however, that night you performed some voodoo magic. I felt very pretty and the photograph provided it. That’s when I had also decided if I ever got a new camera, I’d give you my old one. You are so artistic and creative. You go to so many places, I knew that camera would serve you well, instead of it collecting dust here.

Do you remember the time we went to the record store in Hanover? That was my first time going there and I saw amazing things. We played down stairs and pretended to be Dj’s and took some funny pictures.

I’ll cherish those memories for the rest of my life. I remember our trips to the beach for our beach day. I hadn’t had an outing like that since I was a kid only because my parents were lazy. You brought color back into my world. It wasn’t white, grey and black anymore. You created the world in color for me.

I learned so many things whenever I was with you. It was refreshing. At the time I had come back from living in Maine after a year of mental abuse cocktailed with verbal abuse. You took your time with me and helped me through one of the most difficult times in my life. I can ever thank you enough.

During the time we were working at Savers, I had an online relationship with my now husband Michael. Every day we would talk about our personal lives. You always gave me amazing advice.

I remember when Michael’s ex, lets call her D, had made me believe that Michael had cheated on me with her, I was sobbing. You were there to comfort me and tell me that something wasn’t right. You were right. D had kept interfering with mine and Michael’s relationship even after we got married. You always had my back during that time, and I am forever grateful.

Do you remember the Halloween party that Michael and I threw? The night that Michael proposed to me?

Honestly, the party probably wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for you. You had helped Michael and I with our costumes. It would have been the perfect night if it weren’t for some asshole also announcing their engagement. I remember us being both pissed off at that person because the party was for Michael and I. However, I still had fun. I hope you did too. I was glad to have you there for something so special.

We have always been there for each other since we first met. You are my best friend. If I ever needed a shoulder to cry on, to vent to and so much more, you were always there. Even the so-called friends weren’t like that. You brought the true meaning of friendship alive. You still do even though we are miles apart from each other.

I remembered when I met Mom for the first time. She was so kind and generous. I remembered how you told me that she would ask how I was doing and you’d tell her the bullshit I was going through and she gave some amazing advice too. I was able to learn so much from her, and learned to care for her as if she were a part of the family. You are like a sister to me, so I just started calling her Mom and she went with it.

The day you messaged me the news that Mom had past, my heart broke into a million pieces. I was never able to say goodbye before I left for Tennessee. I was never able to tell her that I loved her. I still want to ask how she is knowing she’s in a much better place now. I think of her often, and send a little prayer to watch over you and let her love shine down on you. I light a candle every now and then for her. I hope she has guided you through this rough time, giving you signs that everything will be okay.

Amanda, you are the best friend that I really don’t deserve. However, I am glad you are my ride or die. If it weren’t for you and words, actions, advice, literally everything. I probably wouldn’t be here. You entered during one of my darkest moments in life, and no matter what, you have been by my side all the way through.

• You were there for me when my cancer was at its worst.
• You were there for me when I had found out that I was never in remission like I was told I was.
• You were there for me when I had to give up my dream of ever being a mother.

I sometimes feel like a hindrance to you more than anything. All the stress and worry I caused you. But you never left my side. It’s rare to find a friend like you. It’s like you are my twin flame. I hope we have many years together as friends. I don’t think we have ever fought either. Like, the friendship drama stuff. I’m also grateful for that too. I was getting enough of drama from the others. Amanda, I love you sister. I miss you every day and wish we could speak more often.

Life has been crazy. I wanted to let you know that it’s okay to lean on me too. I’m here for you. I wanted to write to you and let you know. Because of you I’m in a loving place, surrounded by those who love me. You encouraged me to be a better person every day. I know they say that the perfect person doesn’t exist, but its hard to say that. I think you are perfect in every way. You’re super creative, smart and the sexier one.

I love you Amanda. Please keep shining on. You have so much more to do in this world and continue making this horrid place a more wonderful place. There’s so much ugly in the world, and you are a forever shining star.

Your Best Friend/Little Sister,

Jessie