Dear Nobody

Dear mom..

Dear mother..

To whom it may concern..

Dear.. nobody..

It seems silly to write this especially since I know it will never be sent and I know that you will never read this. But I'm told it's cathartic to write about your problems.. I don't know who said that or if they ever actually had to do it themselves but I can honestly say it doesn't work. Putting things down on paper that are better left inside my head is never a good idea. But at least I can tear this letter up when I'm done and it'll be like it never existed. I'm still not sure how that is supposed to help me but whatever.

Hi, mom.. It's me your son. Well you know that already. I honestly can't believe that it's been 17 years. 17 long.. long years. I'm not a kid anymore! Though I often times still feel like I am. My wife says that nobody ever truly feels grown up but I find that hard to believe when I look at all the other adults out there with families and careers and whatever else. They're doing it, they're being adults and they make it look so easy. Oh, did I tell you that I got married? I know you'd love her. She's just like you in so many ways. I wish you got to meet her. I wish she got to meet you. We still don't have children. Maybe if you were here we would have but I never felt ready by myself.

That's okay though. In this world I don't think bringing up more children is going to solve anything. What we really wanted to do was adopt, maybe like an older child that wouldn't otherwise get a chance at a family. But I know that will never happen. Neither of us are grown up enough to take care of another person. After six years of marriage we finally got a cat! She's like our baby. I know you'd love her too. You would have loved all of this. And I would have had someone to call when things were tough.. and they've been tough, mom. No one told me marriage would be so hard. I wish you could have told me everything you learned. But you can't. And now I have to bite my lip to stop the tears. But it isn't working mom. It isn't working. I hate this feeling. I hate that choking feeling, and the runny nose. I'm an adult now and it's not okay to cry anymore. I'm fine mom.

I wish you could see me now. No I don't. I didn't turn out how I was supposed to. I didn't write my novel and become a famous author. I didn't follow through with any of my dreams we talked about. I just grew up, got a job, got married, and now try to pretend that everything's okay even when it's not. I can't just cry everyday even if I'd like to. So I won't cry at all. This letter is such a stupid idea. I want to believe that you're somewhere else looking down on me. I want to believe that with every fiber of my being. I want to believe that all this pain and sadness, that it doesn't matter and that we'll all be happy again. Someday. But I can't. I don't like the world, I don't like all these awful people here. I don't like myself. I'm just always full of anger that I can't let go of. I just want to punch God in His holy face. I want to scream at Him forever until I can't scream anymore. I want Him to know not just what He took from me but what He took from my mother.

Dear God, I still hate You. I was just a stupid kid, you know? All those things I did, all those awful, stupid, mean things I did. I didn't mean them! I just want her to know that I'm sorry. That she was the best mother ever and I didn't deserve her. And still I was a terrible son but it was okay because I could always make up for it later. But there was no later and now you're dead and I can't ever say I'm sorry. I can't ever say I love you and tell you that every good part of me comes from you. But there's still so much bad in me and so much anger and I don't know what to do with it. I'm sorry mom, I wish I had been a better son and I wish God would have given us just a little more time together. Just enough time to make everything right. I love you mom. Maybe one day we'll see each other again. One day.

Your son