Dear Mum....

Dear Mum,

I don't want to tell you anything,

When I was 10 yourself and dad sat us, me and my older brother, down in his bedroom, he was watching a movie at the time, I can't recall what one, that detail doesn't matter, but I wish I did. Wish I had just been asked to watch a movie with my family. On this day my life change in a spiral for the next 3 years, you had tears in your eyes, dad looked guilty, I knew something was wrong, I knew for a while, I just didn't want to believe, you never do when your 10, you spoke first...

"Your dad and I don't love each other anymore, I can't do this'

Vivid. That's how I describe those words. That memory. Next thing I know Dad's moved out to a place with his mate 30mins away, we pack up my childhood home, my room, the place I'd grown for 10 years of my life. That's when it started, I didn't want to tell you I was upset, because you already felt that you had let me down.... Fast forward 5months I'm in a new house, in a new suburb, going to dad's every second weekend, and in December the man who would become my step-dad moved into our house. It felt like a rush, there was so much going on, I don't remember telling you anything at all, I elected to not do details about what I did at my fathers or even plans we had talked about incase you became upset, or worried that you weren't good enough, I knew that's not how you felt, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that my brother made you cry the day he told you he wanted to live with our father, he couldn't see that you did everything for us, neither did I at first, but I do now. At that age I turned to my friends and my brother, they knew everything, some did not deserve to know.

Year 6, March 6 2014, you came into my room after lights out I rolled over and you showed me your hand, there sat your engagement ring, I was so happy, you were so happy, I ran our to hug my Step-Dad I stayed up for another 1hr. The next day March 7 2014, you picked me up from school at 1:40pm. I was excited thought you were going to tell me that we were going on a holiday to celebrate your engagement, we get home and again, here we are, me and my brother together in a room with our two parents, something was wrong, you had tears in your eyes, you couldn't speak, my step-dad holding your hand...

"Your father passed away this morning, I'm sorry"

My world collapsed, but I didn't show, I watched my older brother break, he cried and sobbed louder then I had ever heard. Our Step-dad comforted him, you came to me, I didn't let many tears fall, not in front of people and I wouldn't for a long time, not until I met Jordan at 16. I never told you how much I hurt, how much I was in pain, how alone I felt when I was with my friends, the betrayal I felt when my 'friend' told everyone about my dad the day after it happened when I wasn't at school, how I cried myself to sleep some night missing him. I'm sorry that I didn't see you as my rock or comfort.

Dear Mum,

I can tell you everything,

I'm turning 20 this year and a lot has changed since I was 10, I graduated high school, have my license a full time job and boyfriend of close to 4 years. We moved houses again last year and we have been stuck in the Covid pandemic since my last year of high school. Oh, and I have a cat. Mum when I was 10, I didn't want to tell you anything, I didn't want to make you upset or be the reason you were mad at my dad for something I told you, I didn't understand how you two went so far apart; now nearly 10 years later, you are one of my favourite people and I understand, I understand why you couldn't be with dad, although sometimes I wish I didn't, I understand why we moved, I understand so much better then I did when I was 10. I have so much to be grateful to you for and so many thanks to give, you are the strongest person I know raising Aaron(Brother) and I was hard even when we had Rob(Step-Dad) but you did it, no hassle or complaints. You let me join a youth organisation and always pushed me to do my best, here I am now teaching at that organisation. Mum, thank you for never giving up, thank you for always being my comfort even if I didn't know it, thank you for brining Rob into my life, he has been amazing I love him with my whole heart, Thank you for giving me time to come back to you, thank you for everything you do.

Mum, I love you, and I always will,

Your little Girl, Chook