Dear Mum

Dear Mum,

I wish that my confession was that I broke your favorite china set. Or that money you gave me for my birthday - I used it for a bet. I wish that my confession was that I snuck out of the house one night to have drinks with my friend. I wish it was that the money you gave me for college - I chose to spend.

But here I am at 23 years old. Looking back at my mother who I was certain I hate. The mother who I spent my teenage years trying to manipulate. The mother who set up all these walls to protect me from the ugly truth of life. The mother who I told everyone was anything but nice.

Mum, it pains me to tell you that I used to wish you were dead. That I used to curse you late at night in bed. That I never forgave you going through a rough spot. I just prayed if you died that you would rot. I never understood how a mother of three, would try to stab herself in front of me with a key. I never understood why you took all those pills, or why I couldn't go on my excursions because there were too many bills. I never understood why you locked yourself in a room, and tried so hard to make it your tomb. What about me, my sister and my dad? What about my little brother who was so scared and sad? Selfish, crazy, unstable and sick. Labels I called you to cousin Rick. I hated you for being unwell, because there was nobody I was allowed to tell.

But that was years ago, even more than ten. So let me tell you my real confessions, let me just find a pen. Mum, even with all those memories I could never hate you. Even though some days I'm left feeling blue. Mum I love you with every ounce of my heart, to the point where I wish we would never be apart. I understand what you went through now, trust me I do. Because for a long time I have felt the same, and everyone around me just wants to direct blame. What I misinterpreted as weak, when sometimes your depression would leak, I realized is what made you quite strong - and that I had the situation all wrong. You're still here, for me, brother, sister and Dad - even after you were unbelievably sad. You worked hard with the doctors, counsellors and nurses - you threw out all those "emergency" pills in all of your purses. And somedays you didn't want to be alive, but then you remembered what happened when I was five. I was screaming, begging, telling you to stop - to please, please, please put the knife back in the pot. And suddenly I said the words that changed your outlook on life, "Mummy I'll do it too! I will also slice!" You vowed to change, but little did you know. That my future, was just starting off slow. By the time you got better it was way too late, I only ever understood one feeling towards myself - which was hate. All this sounds pretty bad, but mummy please don't be sad. This letter is not done, the night is still young.

So mummy here is my confession I apologize for rambling. I'm about to put all my faith in this single letter - it's kind of like gambling. I thank you for all the experiences you gave me. Because when I think of my own children I want three. And I know thanks to you what mother I want to be. I have a vision I so clearly see. I know what type of wife I husband. I know that he will never have to fend. Fend for my life, and the life of his children's mother. Or make his daughter cover the eyes of her little brother.

And I thankyou for changing to give me the chance to love you. Though I'll never forget, it's great to start new.