Dear Mom,
Over the years I struggled to say those three words to you. Our family is not like any other, I know that. We don't hug, we don't tell each other how we feel and if we fight we forget it ever happens. And when dad passed, my only regret was that I didn't say those three words to him when my gut was telling me to do so. Not only do I blame myself but I blame you. You never showed me how to be affectionate, how to love, or even how to say it. I learned the hard way when I fell in love for the first time at fourteen years old. I poured my heart and soul trying to get him to love me back, but I realized now that there was one thing I never did. I never told him I loved him and even now I can't tell him I love him. All I needed to say was I love you. How hard is it to say? I ask you because you make it seem like it is a hard thing to say to people you love. Do you even love me? Do you love my brothers and sisters? Did you even love our dad? You moved on fairly quickly after her passed so it makes me wonder if your love was ever true. As a kid you never wanted to hear anything I had to say. Well, what if I wanted to tell you that I love you or I wanted a hug? You pushed me away and sent me to my room, now you wonder why I find love in all the wrong places. You wonder what happened to sweet and happy six year old you once had. What happened? You pushed me away and critized every thing I admired and wanted to do. You pushed until I became everything you told me to be. Quiet, alone, and stuck in a small room crying myself to sleep. And now as an adult, I'm still quiet, I'm stuck in a small apartment, but not alone. I'm a mother now and you hate the fact that I am showing my child love, compassion, and free to express his emotions. I tell him I love him more than you ever told me. I tell him every night, every morning, and even out of the blue and he does the same. I don't push him away and here he is; loud, socializing, not stuck in a room. Sometimes he is quiet, but never alone in that quietness. I'm right there by his side and telling him how proud I am of him. He's only 10 and has an imagination like I did. His dreams matter to me, when mine didn't matter to you. It took you 22 years to tell me to follow my dreams, it took you that many years to tell me that you were proud of me. You are only proud because of my only accomplishment, my child. Although I have my brothers,sisters, aunts, uncles, grandparents, my son, and even dad tell me they love me; I never heard them from the two people I loved who pushed me away. My best friend Ryan, who I fell in love with and my mother. I moved on from Ryan and I am now with a man who loves me completely even with my traits that you think of as my flaws. I only want to hear those three words from you because in the end, I love you. And that is the one confession you never knew about me.
About the Creator
Rae Rachal
I have been writing since I was 14 years old. I write fiction and non-fiction. I also write poetry and short stories. I'm working on publishing my first book and I wanted to give this a try to see if I have what it takes to be a writer.
Keep reading
More stories from Rae Rachal and writers in Confessions and other communities.
A Love Lost
He was my first love. I can never love another man the same way I have loved him. I know love differs from the last, but my heart will never love the same way. I don't get the butterflies, the beating of my heart racing, or the stuttering you get when you're nervous as he talks to you. All those feelings went away when he did. I can never get those back. Every Spring I smell the flowers and a memory of him comes to mind. I can smell the scent of his cologne he would wear every day and I think back to the first time he hugged me. He had on a black jacket with a red stripe going down the sleeves. Every Summer as the sun shines and the heat waves become unbearable, I remember the time he helped me carry my books to the library. I remember all the times we would walk to class together. I remember the fun we had after school going to the park just to sit and talk. I remember talking about what we wanted for future families as we watched a father play catch with his son. How he wanted to spoil his kids with love because he never had that. He wanted to teach them from right and wrong. He hoped for it, and I wonder if he still prays for it. I remember the moment we had a staring contest, and I was going to lean in to kiss him, but I blinked, and he had won. I remember the time he drew something in the sand, and I pretended to mess it up. He chased me around the playground like we were little kids again. Laughing and smiling as he caught up to me and embraced me in his arms. He picked me up and then put me down as we continued laughing. His laugh and smile were my everything and they still are. Every Fall as the wind blows and I would feel a gentle breeze sweep across my cheek, I close my eyes and I can see his face. I can feel his presence with me. I remember the first we met, and he asked me to sit next to him because I was all alone in the back of the class. I remember the time he wrapped his coat around me as we wait for our ride to show up. I remember the time we were at the mall and went to see a movie. Our friends had left, and it was just us. We were both falling asleep, and he let me rest my head on his shoulder. And when someone would make me cry, he was there. Even though he said little, and he listened to me vent, him just being there was enough for me. And every Winter, the smell of the rain brings back the memory I cherish the most. It was pouring rain as we all waited for our ride. He took off his coat and told me to put it on. He stripped off all of his clothes, only wearing his boxers and shoes. I held on to his pants and shirt. He made us all laugh as he ran around in the rain. And I remember thinking, this is the guy my heart wants. He came back and put his clothes on as our ride showed up. We all get into the car and on the drive, I glance at him. His hair is dripping wet as he looks down at his backpack, smiling. Then he looks out the window and his smile fades. And in that moment, I knew... I knew I had fallen in love with him. But now every season is just a memory and Summer had become my least favorite memory. He had to leave, and there was no way for him to stay. I remember the moment he told us when we were at the park. He was leaving and not coming back. He had trouble with his family, and it was the best thing to do. I remember going home and crying in my room. I remember the last day we saw each other. He walked me to class like he always did, and we talked. I told him I would miss him, and we hugged. It was the longest hug we ever had, and I held back my tears as he pulled away. We smiled at one another, and he walks away. I watch him until I couldn't see him anymore and I went into class. Every moment I remember, I think of all the times I could have kissed him. All the times I could have told him I loved him. But I didn't until it was too late. We stayed friends and have both moved on, and this is my only regret in life. Although we rarely speak to each other and we moved on, he is still the reason I get up every morning. He's all I think about before I go to sleep and he's all I think about when I wake up. He has my mind, my heart and my soul. And all I know is that I can never love this way again.
By Rae Rachal4 years ago in Confessions
Comments
There are no comments for this story
Be the first to respond and start the conversation.