Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

It’s been a never-ending ride on the struggle bus since you been gone. I don’t even know where to begin, your baby boy is now a man…a gay man. Whom has gained some life experiences, been Suicidal, Homeless, and broken? Fighting against the social stigmas that are placed upon me. Fighting against the world filled with people who you never truly get to know, not knowing if someone that you live next to wish death or joy upon you. This world that you left me on alone, even though surrounded by friends and family I was still alone. My world was filled with darkness the day that you were no longer a part of my world, never something that should happen to an eight-year-old. Not only was you gone but our father. the man that we have known to be our father abandoned me and my brother. I was devastated. The two people that was to guide us and show us this world was gone. I can only imagine how my older brothers felt.

However, that is not what I wanted to tell you Well partially…. I have found love Mama! I thought I would never find love cause well… I never had much of an opportunity to see a healthy loving relationship. I had this warped image of what love should be, yet I was still drawn to it like a moth to a flame. There was always just one image of love that I had, and that was you. When John found me 5 years ago, I was broken, reallllyyyy broken. I was too distracted to pay him any mind. I was trying to lock in a contract. at least that’s what I thought of it as at the time. I was into older man, and this guy was 32 while I was 23 and his career was in HVAC, he was 6ft 5 to my 6ft. he seemed great. But he seemed he was not sure of who he was as a man. John at that time was 19. I was 23, he had told me he was 22. it was different for me. I didn’t think that this guy younger than me would have made me fall in love with him, teach me how to love while helping me become a better person. John lied to me… I know not the best way to start a relationship. But I shall say he wasn’t wrong if he would have told me he was 19 I would have not taken him serious at all. It started out amazing. We somewhat think that we are an odd couple lol not in any weird way just that I stand 6ft 290 LBs and John 5ft 4 180 Lbs. well at least we thought we were Odd, but we enjoy that. I’m not sure when he fell in love with me. But I know when I fell in love with him. I was in a dark place, and I had to get help I had to learn about my illness. I attempted to take my life. While I was most vulnerable, he protected me. And guided me and held my hand and never let it go. He was my rock, he just showed me apart of him that I didn’t expect being so soon into our relationship. He didn’t Judge me he didn’t ask me any questions. All he said looking right in my eyes don’t you ever do that again. I love you too much I was shocked I was for sure thinking he would have not wanted to deal with me and my “issues”. Every relationship has ups and downs and even thought we got over it there was infidelity on both our parts. We dislike the way that one another would handle situations, we both can be clingy and annoying. And he hasn’t had a job in years, I AM a mood swinging Bipolar depression having partner who in a manic episode want to take on the world. I allowed people to tell me that he should be working and helping support us but honestly, I loved him home. Not to keep tabs or anything but more so we worked around one schedule. He didn’t want for much and I didn’t either. When you lose everything, things are just things. We have our flaws, but he knows when and how to make me smile and laugh. He does this dance that I absolutely hate because he can’t dance but I LOVE it. He shows me and tells me he loves me whenever he can always have. And he never ever let me leave home without a kiss no matter how upset or late I am. He taught me that’s sex is not that way to show love. It’s to be done by two people who house love. John is the sweetest guy that I know. I can say all the things I taught him, but I personally don’t think they even matter, he to me gave me the greatest gift that I can get. The gift of love, that same feeling I had with you. A never-ending feeling of love never ever question whether John loves me or not. It’s this feeling in my gut. This thought in the back of my mind all day every day, this warmness in my legs that rise from my feet. He is my best friend. I have shared all things about me that would make me run from me and yet he accepted me and allow me to be who I am freely. He supports me with whatever for the moment idea I have, and he educates me on my behavior. We have grown so much as a couple together and on our own. It’s an amazing thing to see it a journey that is not easy while there is a lot of obstacles that are ahead of us, and I may not even know what the future hold for us but for the first time in a long time I feel this is right. He adores me and so many ways and I love him for that. I love him more than life itself and I know that’s crazy to say but I don’t know any other way to express my love for him. His was my light in the dark and help guide me out of the dark.

So, while things started off crappy, I say now things don’t seem that bad. The small things the relationship you do built and that you didn’t build matters the most. The growth and development from the person you use to be to a more improved version of yourself is important. It puts a smile on my face when I think to myself that you would be so proud of who I am as a person. As a Man. It fills me with a little more love a little more joy.

Love Your baby boy

LEVERT.