Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

We knew you were drunk and it’s finally time that I told you all about it. Mikayla and I wanted to believe that it wasn’t true. You and Dad argued because you had sworn to him that you would be able to stay sober for the visitation. That time you hadn’t expected him to drop us off and enforce the court mandated breathalyzer, instead of his so-called “best friend.” Yeah we knew you guys were sleeping together and Dad was probably just trying to deny it.

Either way Dad showed up, made you take the breathalyzer, you were drunk and you both started yelling. You were trying to tell dad that you were “fine” and that you deserved to have the visitation with us regardless of the alcohol. Hell, I think we wanted to believe you at the time, but then of course we did, you’re our mom after all. That time it ended with dad refusing the visitation that was backed by the court and you promising that you would be 100% sober next time. So, we counted down the days until we might have the chance to actually see you and have the visitation you kept promising.

Flash forward two weeks and this time it was your bed buddy that was dropping us off and of course he skipped the breathalyzer. It didn’t matter because Mikayla, even though she was only thirteen, could always tell when you were drinking and I was starting to pick up on the signs too, at the ripe old age of eleven. He didn’t care as long as you were going to sleep with him, at some point in the near future, he was going to drop us off with a smile. Which he did and even though we knew you were drunk when you weren’t supposed to be, we were happy.

Here's the worst part, you happily drove us to an ice cream shop that was two miles away acting as if you were sober. Did you think that was going to convince us? Like “look at mommy driving, there’s no way she could be drinking.” Mikayla and I locked eyes as soon as we were in the car and silently mouthed “she’s drunk” at the same time. Yet, somehow neither of us looked scared, we were just happy to be spending time with you.

We got our ice cream from the same shop every time, although the teenagers that worked there rotated so often none of them knew us. Nevertheless you ignored the concerned looks on their faces or didn’t comprehend them. We noticed the looks on their faces and them silently asking us if we were ok. Yet again, we gave them reassuring looks and shook our heads yes, because we thought that was the right thing to do for our MOM. We left and no one called the cops because, well why would they? They were just some teenagers working at an ice cream store, even if they did call they probably thought they wouldn’t be believed.

So we got back into your little red Honda Civic and drove the two miles back to the apartment. As an adult I look back on this part of the drive and still wonder how you didn’t get pulled over. I remember almost getting into at least two accidents and running a red light, yet somehow we made it back to your apartment with no cops in sight. We went inside and played around for the rest of the visit trying to ignore how drunk you were, but then we found the bottle that you “hid” under the bed. Mikayla shut down for the next hour until your accomplice returned to pick us up. You probably didn’t notice that part since you were too busy drinking your “water.” We acted like nothing was wrong all the way home, we didn’t really know that you were manipulating him, but knew we couldn’t trust him.

So, mom it wasn’t the man you were sleeping with that told dad, it was us. Mikayla did most of the talking but I confirmed everything she said. We were young, but Mikayla knew it was the right thing to do even if it hurt. I didn’t really understand what was happening, but she was way too smart for her own good, she still is. Honestly, she was probably more worried about me than she was for herself, but she still had to be scared out of her mind. That's the day dad decided he would go back to court to cut you off for our safety, at least until you finished a program.

But none of that mattered, did it? You told him shortly after that it was too hard to be sober to see us. Which is funny because until a few years ago I had it in my head that we had decided not to see you until you were sober. Obviously that was easier for my brain to handle at the time. It hurt so bad that my own mother would choose anything over Mikayla and I, let alone something that had so obviously ruined her life. As an adult I still struggle with this concept even though it has been deemed a disease. The only good thing that alcohol ruined was that “relationship" you had with dad’s “best friend.”

So, we knew you blamed what's his face for telling dad and stopped seeing him, but in reality it was your own children.

We knew you were drunk.

Love,

The son you gave up.