Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

It was back in 2006 when you wrote me a letter. I had carried that one for quite sometime with me. You have written to me often since we lived thousands miles away across the Pacific Ocean. Most of the letters were little things in life - where you went to have lunch with your best friend, what you did yesterday, or how you spent your Sunday.

But this one was different and so unexpected.

At the end of the letter, you had apologized to me about how you had played guilt trips on me more often than not without knowing because you felt that I am your child and I belong to you like any other physical objects. I don’t know what caused you to reflect on our relationship as mother and daughter. At that time, the awareness came into you, and you reached out to me and expressed your deepest emotions and feelings.

For that, I was grateful.

I remember that tears are flowing non stop from my eyes as I read your words.

I don’t remember if I ever told you that I had no resentment against you about any disagreements we had about how I live my life.

Yes, I did feel pressured sometime to do or choose things I don’t necessarily think it’s for me. But I also knew that you were battling your own self-imposed beliefs and expectations that your environoment had thrashed upon you. I knew that you loved me unconditionally. That’s why, in the end, you always let me choose my direction of life however reluctant you were. You have supported me in every way possible within your power and ability to do so.

For that I am eternally grateful.

It took great courage to admit and apologize to your own child that you have made her life harder even it was unintentional. If I didn’t tell you how much I love you ( chances are I haven’t because that’s not the common way our culture express our love to each others) and appreciate you for what you have done and endured for your spirited, obstinate and headstrong daughters, me and my little sister, I am telling you now;

You are the best and greatest mom in the whole world. I love you to infinity and beyond.

I am writing to you to do the same as you did years ago. There’s something I would like to tell you and apologize for not telling you sooner. I was perhaps feeling shameful and afraid of your reactions more than making you feel upset or hurt. I kept telling myself that you don’t need to know just to be in distress.

Remember when I was in college, I called you out of blue and asked you if I could come home ? You didn’t ask me why, but you knew something was wrong. You didn’t say anything other than “ Of course, you can.” I was so relieved that you had never tried to find out what was going on with me and tried to fix things. It must have been so tempting and difficult for you to stand by seeing your baby crumbling down, wallowing in misery for months. I didn’t know how you felt then, but I came to realize how hard it was for you then, only more than a decade later when I had my son and become “Mother”.

I am so sorry for the pains I caused. At the same time, I am so grateful that you accepted me with open arms without any answers to your unspoken questions. I was thousands miles away across the ocean persuing a degree to start my life in America against your hopes and wishes for me. Despite all that, you never asked me once why I came home during the four months, the semester I skipped. What I didn’t tell you was the “why”, which you were probably dying to know; I sought refuge to process the grief of losing my first baby and my first serious relationship in shambles.

When I decided to return to the school to finish what I started and announced that I was going back, you simply said, “ I knew that you would go back.” with a smile. Even then, you didn’t ask me what brought me home. There is no words to express my gratitude and appreciation for what you have gone through for me.

I know that you already know what happened then at where you are now. It’s been over 6 years since you left this world for a new journey where you have a higher perspective of things in general. I am sorry that I couldn’t tell you then and even afterwards while you are here. I know you had already forgiven me and taking care of the grandchild you hadn’t have a chance to meet here on the earth. But I wanted and needed to write you just as you have written to me sharing your deepest, raw emotions and feelings with me in your letter.

I know that you know that I love you very much and appreciate you even more than my words can express. We were born and raised in the culture of non-verbal communication, and it is not easy for us to say those simple yet powerful three words: I LOVE YOU. I am still learning to do so with your grandson as much as I can, so I don’t have to regret about not being able to express my love to him as I couldn’t with you.

Mom, I love you. when I see you next time, I am going to hug you and tell you “I love you”. So get ready😉

Until we meet again,

Your stubborn daughter,

Ayumi

P.S. Happy 7th Mother’s Day in heaven❤️