Dear Mom,

My abortion at age 13 was traumatic enough. I could not stand the thought of disappointing you again. Honestly, I withheld sharing so much of my life experiences with out of fear of you. You were always so judgmental of family members and close friends, and of me too. You were mean, insecure and threatened by me, your child. Your physical and emotional abuse did not help either. Our relationship was always one sided and we both know that my younger sister is your favorite child. I was disobient and “bad” as you labeled me before turning double digits in age. You wish you had left me in the hostipal were one of your favorite lines. Those words stung like a bee. They still do.

My childhood was riddled with dysfunction that you are not emotionally mature enough to discuss in present day. Sadly, you still function from that wounded space and I still do not feel comfortable sharing much of my life with you. You are only pleased with me whenever I accomplish or perform an act that you can brag to people about. Your energy reeks of insecurity and projection, so I taught myself to not take your criticism personal. Do you remember how happy you were with me when I would not embrace my father after his weekend trips away with his new girlfriend? Can you admit to yourself that you were a catalyst is ensuring that my father and I never grew close? Can you see the damage you caused which left me spending thousands on therapy? How about the time you woke me up at 2am, striking my knuckles with a pot all because I forgot a plate in the sink? Let me guess, you forgot about that too. That is another issue with us. You claim you do not remember most things from the past. I believe you to a certain extent since the abuse you endured while married to my father would give anyone amnesia. However, you say that you take accountability for your actions, but have yet to say sorry for any of it.

My question to you mommy dearest, is what was the vision you had for my life? You said you wanted two daughters and God gave you that. Outside of life and repressed childhood traumas, what did you give us? We never talked about boys, dating or sex. You never asked what was going all in my world. Your only focus was keeping up appearances in your failing marriage in hopes that people won’t talk too badly about you. I know my grandmother was not the nicest to you or your siblings, but did you not learn from anything from your own miserable childhood. Hurt people, hurt people. That is what you told me and still do.

Now that we have scrathed a very tiny surface of memory lane, I hope you understand why I’ve taken my power back. I have learned to love you from a distance. I cannot pretend that we have a great bond. This Mother’s Day was interesting as I used the day to reflect on my childless life. Truthfully, I was scared to become a mother like you. I feared raising a child without affection and knowing that I failed them as a parent. No one has the perfect parent, but to think that you secretly dislike me and my strengths which I did not get from you is hurtful. Please do not cry, Mom. I know that you do not like to talk about the past and that you believe you did the best that you could. But can we agree that your best was not good enough? I learned that from you too.