Data

“Hey babe,” the reason yellow is my favorite color skips into the room holding a piece of paper.

“Yes?”

“Did you re-up our data plan?” She looks nervous.

“What did you just say?”

Her eyes meet mine and I almost melt. That blue and those freckles. No this is more important. “It’s the end of the month. Our data plan needs to be re-upped and I can never figure it out.”

“What plan?”

“Our data plan.”

“I don’t know what you’re saying.”

“The plan for our phones.”

“Oh. Our data plan.”

“That’s what I said.”

“No, I’m pretty sure you didn’t.”

“Our. Data. Plan.” She sounds out every word as she shoves the paper into my face. Then she laughs.

“Are you sick,” I put my hand on her forehead. Suddenly I want to climb under our blanket for the rest of the day and forget all about our data plan. “Does your head hurt? Are you feeling okay?”

“No I’m fine,” she pushes me away. “What are you doing?”

“Let’s check WebMD to be sure. I wonder what they say about the sudden loss of brain cells.”

“Because I say data and not data?”

“Say Pecan.”

“Pecan.”

“Crayon?”

“Crayon.”

“Tomato.”

“Tomato.”

“I often don’t act like an adult.”

“You often don’t act like an adult.”

“Okay last one.”

“Yes professor.”

“Mrs. Violet, see me in my office after class for punishment.”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Say antidisestablishmentarianism.”

“No.”

“Say it.”

“If I did, I’d say it like you do.”

“Prove it.”

“I can’t say it.”

“Fine. Then another just to calm my mortal soul.”
 “Oh go on, hit me with it.”

“Is it you all or y’all?”

"Are you crazy?”

“You say I am sometimes.”

“Where do we live?”

“Not in the deep south.”

“Damn straight.” She jumps forward swinging her hand at me. I react just in time to receive her mighty high five. “Personal freedoms, fuck yeah.”

“Good good. I guess data isn’t the end of the world. I may need to do further tests to be sure.” I wink at her. “The damage seems to be limited to only a slightly important word for a computer science engineer.”

“My coworkers think I say it weird too.”

“They know?”

“Of course they do.”

“And they haven’t moved against you, yet?”

“Not yet.”

“What could they be waiting for?”

“I spent the first few years hiding my truth and stockpiling blackmail materials against all of them.”

“At least you know you sound nuts and prepared.” I take a deep breath. Everything is okay. I start to make my way out of the room shaking my butt a little to trick her into joining me in bed when it hits me. “Wait do my family know? Did my dad know when you proposed?”

“No and yea. Wait no, yes and no.”

“They know!?”

“Your uncle Benny and I work together!”

“Bennifer knows?” She laughs again. Her dimples show.

“That’s his full name?”

“Only on his birth certificate, it’s actually a really funny story. BUT UNRELATED. What if he tells? Bennifer is a terrible gossip.”

“We had a good laugh about it. He’s probably already forgot.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever forget. How could anyone forget this.”

“We were both joking around. He thought it was hilarious.”

“He’s bipolar what if his other personality doesn’t find it as funny?”

“That’s not what bipolar means.”

“I’m so glad you’re being medically accurate when we’re going to have to move to Canada and change our names and milk trees for maple syrup and call it sirrup because you don’t know how to say data.”

“Calm down. We won’t have to milk anything in Canada. If anything we’d go to Belize.”

“Why? Do they pronounce data wrong there too?”

“No. They pronounce it like you do, just in a different language. And I say it fine.”

“Fine, Belize can be our number one runaway location…but milking trees in Canada is a hard two. Take it or leave it.”

“I'll take it. But nothing is going to happen. And even if it does Belize is affordable, near countries way more violent so its own gang warfare is easy to forget and the beaches. Oh my gosh. Tens of thousands of kilometers of beaches.”

“You use kilometers too?”

“It’s the most efficient measuring system!”

“Miles are bigger, so you would be able to say a smaller number making it way more efficient.”

“You’re just being a Belize hater.”

“Am not.”

“Are too.”

“Fine. Fine. How are the schools?”

“The schools?”

“Belize has schools right?”

“I assume so, but why? Are you thinking of going back to school? Will you re-up our data plan first?”

“You’re a monster.” A lovely monster.

“Seriously, why ask about schools.”

"For our children, duh.”

“What?”

“Kids have to go to school. Its the law. And I want our kids to go to a good school.”

“I mean I do too, but you do know how kids are made, right?”

“As long as it hasn’t changed from the way Mrs. Foot explained it in the second grade.”

“So you see why I’m confused that you brought it up?”

“I have never understood something less.”

“Neither of us is pregnant.”

“Well we could easily change that.”

“Fair.”

“And Canadian tree milking communities are always built around a strong education system. I’m hoping Belize is similarly set up as it is our number one runaway location. In theory it is perfect.”

“Okay, so Belize isn’t perfect.”

“I’m a little disappointed, but not surprised.” My phone rings. It’s uncle Benny. “Oh no it’s Benny!”

“He can’t have changed his mind could he?”

“You said you laughed about it.”

“We did, but that was before I thought about Belize’s education system’s deficiencies.” We both scream. “Just don’t answer it. Put it down, let it die and don’t re-up our data plan.”

“Ahhhhh.”

“Oh my gosh. Data. Happy now?”

“Yes. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

“That’s it?”

“Yes.” My phone rings again. It’s Benny’s burner phone. Classic Benny.

“Back away from it.” She grabs the phone and throws it into the other room. I still hear its strangled vibrations. “Start packing.”

“Only essentials.”

“Passports.”

“Yes.”

“Sunscreen?”

“Fine, we’ll try Belize first.”

“But what about the schools?”

“Neither of us are pregnant. We can always milk trees and use their schools when that changes.”

“Good plan. I’m buying tickets.”

“First class! If we’re doing a one way trip we’re going out in style.”

“This going to be great.”

“Belize, here we come.”

“Necesitaremos datos.”

“Oh my gosh, you did not just say data wrong in Spanish.”

“Maybe.”

“I’m leaving you.”

“Sorry no divorce in Belize, baby.”