Daddy Issues

I’ve finally figured out my daddy issues.

Okay, well I have not sorted them out exactly, but I am one step closer to understanding why my relationship with my dad affects me the way that it does.

I think back to 2019, one of the most chaotic years of my life. I fell in and out of love, went travelling with my best friends, crashed my car and met another guy.

But the most challenging part was when I had a ski accident.

I went skiing with my dad at Mount Buller. I wanted to learn how to ski since I had gone the year previously with my friends, and I wanted to improve my skillset. My dad had taken my sister, Jacqueline, travelling to many countries because she was an impressive skier.

About an hour into the day, I fell over. I fell backwards down a slope and my right leg bent horizontally toward the right. I heard this crackling-popping sound as I watched my leg bend in a way that I had never seen before. I immediately knew that it was not a good sound.

The reason I had injured myself is because my ski did not pop off when it was meant to. The weight of the ski combined with the way that I fell had resulted in a torn ACL.

Of course, at the time, I didn’t know this. I screamed for help as a gentleman ran over to help me.

He asked me, “Are you okay?”

“MY LEGGGGGG!!!!!”

I rang my dad to let him know that I had fallen. He was still at the top of the mountain with his friend. He came down to help me and saw that it was more serious than he anticipated. I was driven off the mountain on a snowmobile and taken to the first aid station. They briefly looked at my knee and stated that it was too swollen to be able to tell exactly what was wrong. They had hoped that it would just be a strain and nothing too serious, but the only way to know was to go to the emergency room and get an x-ray.

I should have been taken to the hospital.

But I wasn’t.

My dad decided that since he had only been there for less than 2 hours (majority of that time spent helping me with my injury), that it would be a waste to not go for a couple more runs down the mountain. I had already felt so guilty for causing such a fuss, so I agreed to let him go on and continue skiing.

I was given crutches, and was taken down to the bar at the bottom of the mountain. My dad handed me $50, and told me to get some lunch and have a couple drinks.

I was expecting my dad to come back after an hour.

I was there for five hours.

I was left alone for five hours, with a broken leg, unable to walk, by myself, in a bar at Mount Buller.

I was 24.

What this does, is set the precedent of how I allow myself to be treated by men.

My dad did not see me as the priority that day. His priority was skiing.

So, when your own father doesn’t show you that they care, or that something else is more important than your health, it can have a negative impact on you.

It makes you feel like you’re not enough. That it doesn’t matter if something bad happens to you, because what he wants is much more important, so that takes priority.

My dad didn’t even take me to the hospital afterwards. He dropped me back home at my mum’s house then went home.

My mum was away, so my sister had to take me to the hospital the following day.

And for so long, I knew that this event had an impact on me, but I just couldn’t figure out what that was. I knew it was something to do with daddy issues, but I wasn’t entirely sure how it affected my relationships with men.

But I see it so clearly now. And I didn’t even need a shrink.

I don’t see myself worthy of basic love from men, because that has never been demonstrated to me. Your father is meant to be your protector. It’s a basic instinct that the child bonds with their dad, and that they see their dad as someone who will always look out for them.

I remember feeling so guilty the whole day because I felt like I had ruined it. I could tell when we were in the first aid station that he was annoyed he had to be there. I felt like this was just a nuisance for him, and that he just wanted to ski, and I had basically ruined the day for him.

And me falling over had ruined the day.

But it wasn’t my fault.

It wasn’t anyone’s fault.

It was an accident.

But as soon as it happened, I now know that I deserved to be taken to the hospital straight away. I shouldn’t have had to wait in pain all by myself, getting drunk at the bar.

It was the most horrible day and sadly it’s a day that I will never forget.

My mum would have taken me to the hospital straight away. No questions asked.

And it’s not even about the fact that she hates skiing. We could have been at Flemington racecourse, her favourite place to be on a Saturday, and she would have left immediately if I had taken a serious fall.

My mum has always put her kids first before anything. My dad does not.

And I think that’s why I bond so well with women, because I understand their empathy, because my mum has shown me that.

I understood that from a young age that women were the ones who cared, and the ones who would look after you – not the men.

And because I didn’t grow up with any other father figure in my life, I struggle to form meaningful relationships with men.

That’s why I slept around, because it made no sense to me that a guy would like me.

My first long term boyfriend was the only guy in my whole life that made me his priority.

And I was so shocked, but it’s literally the bare minimum in a relationship. I always show up for my partner, so why shouldn’t they show up for me?

My dad never showed up for my mum, and she was always there for him. She would do anything for him, but he wouldn’t reciprocate. So, that was the relationship I looked up to.

My parents were together for nearly thirty years. Their relationship was so toxic, but I thought it was healthy. I thought a long-term relationship represented stability and commitment to one another. It was a rarity at my school to have parents still together.

I have now learnt that just because two people are together does not mean that they are happy.

It also does not mean that it is right.