Cursed!

Looking back, i started dating earlier than i should have, earlier than i wanted to and it got in the way of things that used to be important to me. I lost my virginity when i was 15 yrs young (thought i was so mature and grown up) and it was honestly one of the most horrible memories i have. It was with a skinny, tanned guy that i had chased for weeks and thought he was gorgeous. I remember thinking that if that’s what sex is, i never want to have sex again. HAHA ohhh the wisdom of a 15 yr old.

I truly now believe though, that at 32 yrs old, i am and have been since that first mistake, cursed! Cursed in love!

You see, what has brought me to this conclusion over the years, is that i have never had a stable relationship and EVERY, and i mean EVERY single man i have ever dated, has married and/or had a child with the woman they met after me. Not kidding, every single one since i was 15. Now, at first, the first few, you would think coincidence right, good on them. I’m happy for them because in hindsight, i don’t want them and now they’re someone else’s problem. So, for many years, happiness provails as i realise i dodged a bullet. But then, it happens over and over and over again. You start to question your actual existence and ask yourself if you were put on this planet as a gateway to other people’s happiness and love.

BACKSTORY:

I have issues. But, these days, don’t we all of some kind? I have massive abandonment issues from my childhood and since i was younger, i have searched for love in every wrong way possible. The teenage girl me, would give a guy everything he wanted, thinking that in turn, he would stay and love me, giving me the one thing i longed for, someone to care. But all that turned into, was me having a lot more sex than i was comfortable with, with different men, and feeling worse than i did the time before. Men saw straight through the vulnerability and desperation and took full advantage.

It took me a long time to realise what i was doing wrong, and to have any kind of self respect. For years, i hated myself, blamed myself and would cry hysterically asking the universe, why is this happening to me, why does no one on this earth want me for anything other than sex.

For a long time, i did not think it was okay to say NO. I was scared to say no to having sex, hooking up, making out. So i would go along with it and avoid any type of conflict or awkward situation. Obviously, you could imagine what this would do for my self esteem and my already, unhealthy search of belonging in this world. Not only that, but i ended up putting myself in dangerous situations that resulted in sexual assault, harrassment, ongoing anxiety, depression and at one stage, death threats.

PRESENT DAY:

So, here I am, 32 yrs old, single parent to a beautiful 5 yr old daughter (you all saw that coming, right?) and the curse or gateway, is still very real and relevant. In the past 17 yrs, every single man i have dated has married or had children with the very next girl he met after me. I bet you’re sitting there thinking, yeah right, as if this could be true. But, unfortunately, it is very much my reality.

It isn’t only hard to digest, but what is sad on my behalf, is that i cannot even seem to get a relationship to last for more than 6 months. Am i unbearable, is the next girl just utterly perfect, or does she have a vagina made of diamonds that feels better than a Dyson?

Now, one thing that surely can ease the pain of this reality is the fact that some of these men are now divorced, or I know they are jerks and most assumably unfaithful (this one ex used to text me every 2-3 months for years until i changed my number, totally disrespecting his now wife). Yay me, at least being single, 32 and the longest relationship i’ve ever had is only 18 months, but at least i’m not divorced or a single mum of 5 by now.

I’ll change names, but i mean, to give you an idea, here are some of the facts:

George - lost virginity to at 15, married and 2 kids to the girl after me.

Winston - dated for 8 months, moved for him, broke up because his mum told him to - Married and 2 kids, now divorced.

Bob - horrible mistake of a relationship - Daughter to woman after me, not sure on relationship status.

Harry - bartender at my mums 2nd marriage, married and son to the woman after me.

Greg - Introduced me to his now wife whilst we were dating then cheated on me before leaving me for her - married and 2 kids (also the one that continued to text me for yrs later, dodged that bullet, thank you)

Tom - dated in Sydney, he was a narcissist! Married the girl he dated after me.

Gary - stage 10 clinger but nice guy - married and 1 child

Henry - In Henry’s defence, we broke up because he left town for work, he then got back with his ex, they married and are now divorced. Still fits the pattern though.

George - The Liar, had a child and is currently engaged to his partner.

What is your view? Unlucky in love, am i crazy? Or is this just one, ridiculous big coincidence.

My current relationship, just broke down. Surprise, surprise, it only lasted 5 months. And boy oh boy, was it a rocky relationship. Let me tell you, when you bring two insecure people into the one relationship, it doesn’t make for an easy start. But if i’m being honest, he was the love of my life, and i completely heartbroken right now. And the thought of adding him onto that list above, breaks me even more. It’s inevitable i suppose, but when someone feels like home and you fight tooth and nail for them, the last thing you want to think about, is them having everything the BOTH of you wanted with SOMEONE else.

When will the curse be broken? .......

Wrecca Xx