Countdown to Extinction: A List of the Ten Worst Things About Growing Old

They say, “You’re only as old as you feel.”

By this adage, I will be celebrating my 387th birthday soon.

I can count on one hand the good things about getting older:

You get to retire and relax while you wait to die.

Wow. Okay, I only have two things.

The cons of growing old far outweigh the pros. Here is a Top Ten List of the Worst Parts of Getting Old.

#10: The Cost of Life Insurance

When you were 23, you could buy a $5 billion life insurance policy for $0.16 a month (non-smoker). If you smoked, that charge went up to an outrageous $2 a month, which is why you lied on the application.

If you’re above 50, you invert these numbers. A $0.16 life insurance policy now costs you $5 billion each month. And this is the lousy life insurance that only pays you if you die in a ballooning disaster.

Here is a lady giving up her life savings so she may obtain prescription eyedrops at a reduced price of $300 per week. Image by author using Grok.

If you’re over 50 and a smoker, insurance plans are so costly that it’s cheaper to burden your offspring with the expense of your cremation, unless your mortality was caused when you fell asleep with a cigarette in your hand.

#9: An Increased Intolerance for Everything

Your days of being carefree and joyful are ended. Everything disturbs you now that you’re older. You are even upset while writing about topics that concern you.

I’m quite sure this child drives around my neighborhood. Image by author using Grok.

Hot heat makes you unhappy. Cold weather makes you grumpy. Rain is too moist, and snow makes you hope global warming will kick off quicker.

Kids with pierced teeth are driving their noisy automobiles in the neighborhood immediately before stepping out and wandering on your property. ALSO, HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF THE TREBLE KNOB, KID? YOU DON’T ALWAYS NEED SO MUCH BASS.

#8: Peeing is Difficult

The process of urination is now just that—a process.

The Dance of the Number One begins. Image by author using Grok.

You may feel like you have to pee, but while you’re patiently waiting for number one to flow, your bladder is off somewhere playing backgammon. Your pee is holding back like a holed-up gunman in a police standoff. You wait and you wait. You squeeze your muscles, hold your breath, and push relentlessly.

Your Apple Watch asks if you’d like to record this workout.

After an hour of struggling, a solitary drop emerges and plops into the crystal waters below. It is now nap time.

#7: You Always Need Naps

When you were younger, naps were great. They were a nice little break from the hectic pace of your daily routine.

GRANDMA, WAKE UP! GRANDMA, NOOOOOooooo. Image by author using Grok.

Now you’re older, and naps are now required by federal law. Napping is no longer a luxury; it is a necessity.

This isn’t a problem, though, because you are ready for a nap right after you wake up from the one you just had. This goes on all day until you are finally ready for bed at 8 PM.

#6: You Can’t Sleep

Maybe you shouldn’t have had six consecutive naps 30 minutes before bedtime, but after the age of 45, you have greater odds of winning the lottery than sleeping more than six hours each night.

Between the backaches, restless legs, tinnitus, hot sweats, cold chills, constant thoughts about your impending death, insomnia, and the noise from your husband’s CPAP machine, bedtime has become the worst time of the day.

I asked Grok to make an image for “Old couple wide awake in bed,” and it came up with this, and I could not stop laughing. Anyway, I’m a lot like that guy until 5 AM.

If you do manage six hours of sleep, it is never six hours in a row.

That’s because—

#5: You Have to Pee Every 30 Minutes

This could have been covered under the previous urination section, but nighttime peeing is a whole new ball game than regular peeing.

For some reason, after 8 PM your bladder decides it’s time to party like it’s 1999.

Running to the bathroom every 20 minutes should be an Olympic sport for the elderly. Image by author using Grok.

Sure, you’d like to get some rest, but Bladder McBladderFace is dressed to the nines, just did a line of coke, and is up and raring to go.

And now so are you.

How this happens is a mystery, because you purposely only drink a thimbleful of water knowing that you usually make five trips to the bathroom each night. Because of this, you wear your Apple Watch to bed because it tracks your steps and counts as cardio.

#4: You Can No Longer Understand People Under 20

This man has zero idea what the hell these kids are talking about. Image by author using Grok.

This may not be applicable, depending on your age, but trying to decipher what the latest generations are discussing is like watching a movie versed in Aramaic with no closed captioning.

When you were a kid, you had slang terms like “cool,” “rad,” “totally,” “bitchin’,” and “bodacious.” Most of these were self-explanatory and could be gleaned easily from the way they were used in a conversation.

But now your granddaughter just said your new car is lit. Lit? Is it on fire? I BET IT WAS THAT KID WITH THE LOUD CAR. You’ve also heard that your son’s drip has a salty vibe, so maybe you should call his doctor.

#3: You Look Terrible

Once upon a time, you were a young, virile lad with a full head of hair and a sculpted physique.

Now you look like a dehydrated earthworm.

Much has changed as the decades have passed, and Father Time has dealt you many harsh beatings with his Wrinkle Stick.

A wrinkle in time. Image by author using Grok.

That man is 37.

What used to be your distinguished “crow's feet” are now “pteranodon talons.”

Your toned arms now sport bingo wings. Your chest is now an integral part of your waistline. Random people try to purchase you at Thanksgiving because your wattle makes you look like a turkey.

Hair is everywhere.

It grows from your ears, nose, knuckles, and toes. It’s like Bigfoot is living inside you, trying to burst free through any available pore.

You now own a collection of ear and nose hair trimmers, tweezers, waxing honey, and razors with pivoting heads that won’t snag on your wrinkles.

Hairs sprout from everywhere when you get older. Like you’re a hair garden. Image by author using Grok.

That’s my grandma.

Eventually, you learn to pick your own battles and continue on towards the end of your life resembling Cousin It from The Addams Family.

#2: Everything Hurts

“With great power comes great responsibility.”

- Uncle Ben in Spiderman

“With old age, come great aches, pains, and a discount prescription card.”

- unknown genius

You are in this position 8 hours of every day. Image by author using Grok.

After the age of 50, you are no longer able to stand up without saying, “Oof.” You can also not bend over without saying, “Oof.” Putting on shoes? “Oof.” Long story short, you say “Oof” a lot when you get older.

The most pain-free way of putting on your socks is just throwing them at your feet and hoping for the best. Your spouse has to help you put on underarm deodorant because you have a frozen shoulder. Sitting down on the toilet makes your sciatica act up, and now you can only wipe your bum if you lean sideways with your feet straight out.

Sure, it sounds awful, but when you add the last nine items together, you come up with the #1 worst thing about aging.

#1: Remember When We Used to Have Sex

Much like the black rhinoceros, your sex life is almost extinct. Menopause has spent years whittling away at her libido, while low testosterone and thinning arteries have caused him to—well—soften.

Not tonight, honey. I have an old age. Image by author using Grok.

What used to be hour-long romps in bed three times a week has morphed into 30 seconds of saying, “I’m sorry, I’m tired,” the third Saturday of every month. Between the aches, pains, anxiety over jobs and finances, exhaustion from not sleeping, your itchy ear hairs, and lingering tiredness after your last nap, sex just doesn’t have the same draw anymore.

Things are droopy. Parts are dry. Your love machinery is broken or out for repairs. The little blue pills are a godsend, but by the time they kick in, your wife has nodded off and has her snore guard in.

However, if there’s one thing that the passing decades have taught you, it’s that sex isn’t everything. You have gone through this adventure together, growing old and unattractive, hairier by the day, and more tired by the minute.

Love gets better with age. Wow, okay. I found a third thing that’s good about aging.

Well, it's a good thing the blue pill didn’t take. You sigh, then look over and give her a soft kiss on the forehead.

“Good night, honey,” you say, as you lean back on your pillow, facing a full night of anxiety about how many years you have left of this, and try to sleep.