Confessions of a Broken Woman: September 25th

September 25th, 2021

That's the day I found out. 3 days after my 27th birthday, I found him with her. I found my husband of 4 years, our anniversary just 2 weeks prior, with another woman. Different versions of that phrase keep rolling through my head and it just keeps sounding worse and worse the more it does but it won't stop. That phrase alone keeps putting nicks in my armor the more it passes. I can't seem to get it to stick and accept what he's done. What the shattered pieces of my heart knows he's done. The betrayal is so strong, I never for a minute thought he would do this. But I guess no one really does think that of their spouse, do they? Once those vows are taken at that alter, in front of all your friends and family, I guess you just always think that it's binding. That the other person would never even dream of hurting you in that way. I guess we never know what's going to happen, not even that person.

Okay... maybe I didn't necessarily find him with her, the idiot put it on a public platform that he was "in a relationship" with another woman for some reason thinking it wouldn't get back to me. What a joke...

What a humiliating way to find out your husband, the father of your daughter, the man you've loved unconditionally for the total of the last 6 years, the man who's been in your life since you were 15 years old, was exactly the man he vowed he never would be. The man he never wanted to be.

Every time I think about it, it's like my lungs collapse and I can't breathe. My chest physically aches with pressure of what feels like a 2 ton weight on my chest and my lungs won't expand. I can't help but feel like my body is caving in on itself. Like all it wants to do is give up. The pain is so intolerable...

I try to hold it back, the tears I mean. I keep crying and all I do is lay in bed. Thankfully, I have my mother here with me to help me with my 3-year-old daughter considering I can't even really take care of myself.

It hurts that my sweet little girl, the one I'm supposed to be caring for, feels the need to comfort me when she catches me cry... which is a lot more often than I would like. It's gotten to a point that she'll walk into a room where I'm sitting and just ask me if I'm crying without any prompt or hint that I even was crying. Or she won't leave my side because she's figured out that I actively try my hardest not to cry when she's around. She's a lot smarter than anyone gives her credit for and it breaks my heart when, at 3 years old, she feels the need to play mommy to her own mother.

She doesn't understand what's happening, all she knows is that her daddy hasn't been around. Which he's been gone since the beginning of February for work to start with but we both made the decision for him to move where his son from a previous marriage was at with his mother then once enough money was saved over the course of a few months, my daughter and I would move to be with him. That was the biggest mistake I ever could have made, letting him leave here without us. Needless to say, that's not going to work out now...

I was getting ready to move to. I've made all necessary preparations, I've called the moving company. Already talked to my work. I've even already started packing.

We were only a little over a month away from being together. November 7th, I would've been in his arms and we would've been together as a family, all 4 of us. Him, me, our daughter and his son, one little happy family.

It would've been so perfect...

Confession: Well... I'm pregnant. Now what?