Confession from depression

A sweet start is something that everyone had but we lost everything in childhood. No one talks about how life is when you start getting better, after 5 years of depression at the beginning of 2021 I finally started feeling better. But now even though I’m grateful that I don't feel the same and I don't struggle every day to still be here, I feel empty. When I started to heal and cut off all the bad people and gave up using people to fill an emptiness in my soul, I realised how much depression was stuck to my bone.

Now I have a life full of peace and still sometimes I woke up and feel like I don't want to be here anymore.

I learn how to love me, and I do it maybe too much, but I still have moments when I start crying because I hate myself.

No one tells you how bad your internal conflict is when you know everything is good, but you don't feel it. You feel weird, I know you do. In reality you feel empty, you feel sad, but you can't admit to yourself that you're sad because you have no reason to be.

I'm grateful every day for my life, for my family that even though they we're really bad I forgave them. I never believe the old phase ''forgive them so you can be at peace with yourself'' because I thought honestly that it was only bul**it. But I thought one day, do I forgive my parents, or do I feel the hate for the rest of my life? I tried to be at fully peace without forgiving them, but I couldn’t. So here we are, I don't have nothing bad towards them now. Although I still feel some days that I hate them for making me, but those are just passing thoughts.

I love how it is now, I look back at my life and I did everything I said I will, I can say the law of attraction worked very well for me. But You know how in time your depression still tells you that you re a failure? Now my parents are very proud of me, and they show me this, but in my head, I still think I disappointed them, because you can heal most of your soul, but the questions are there, they are going to be out sometimes, and you can only answer with kind staff about yourself. The sad part is that you also have to understand and live with the fact that you may never heard a sorry from some people.

Because the real truth is after depression is just depression, for your whole life, it will hunt you, that’s why you shouldn’t try going back to be the one that you were before depression, because trying that is always no help, because that person is no more there, you can’t find that person you have to learn how to love the one that you will make. And is going to be amazing, you’re going to feel like the person that you were before was just a small kid who needs protection and the one after is the protector.

Depression is hard, living is hard, I know, but never forget that even if you have nothing, you have you, even when you don't want to live for you, you have hundreds of people to help, hundreds of kids who can have a better life with your help, plenty of animals ready to love you. When you feel like you have nothing maybe you’re right, maybe you have nothing, but in that nothing is just a whole another world waiting for you.