confession

• Sometimes I really wanna run away and start over and just not tell anyone.

I love my husband. I do. I love my in laws, I love my life. Or at least I loved it. When my husband started developing a social media addiction, it turned into him secretly snap chatting random women. As someone who wanted marriage to be the one safe thing I’ve had in my life, This hit so hard. Honestly? It feels like after we got married he felt like he could stop trying. It’s so hard on my spirit. I have poured myself into him and worked so hard to build the life I’m living. But I had dreams too. I was a girl once. who only had to be young and pretty. I have always been obsessed with geology,i have begged him to go rock hounding with me a million times. Nope. Singing is another passion of mine and has been a big part of my life. I’ll listen to him talk about guitar for hours but when I start up about singing, he often gets distracted and trails off into a different subject. In a lot of ways I feel invisible in my own marriage/life. I have no family. nobody who cares. I often fantasize about running away to a different country or somewhere across the states, and just healing. I am chronically ill though and my husband pays most of the bills so it’s not really in the cards for me until I get some money stacked. For now it’s just a fantasy. Just wanted to get that off my chest. I feel so wound up all the time.

Just a quick edit: I urge people to read my previous post regarding my husband to gain some clarity on my mindset before judging. I’m not a quitter and I don’t wanna just run off. I’m just going through a lot.

• Not sure if i should stick with the family i have or Leave and start my own

Recently, I attended a family reunion where I encountered relatives I hadn’t seen since I was a baby. As a 23-year-old, I felt a distinct lack of respect and noticed that no one was being straightforward with me. Before my mom passed away, I hadn’t reached out to my family much, aside from my cousins. Over the years, I grew distant from them, which gradually took a toll on my life. I lost friends, loved ones, jobs—almost everything. I often felt like the clown of the family, desperately trying to fit in while facing constant belittling instead of encouragement. At this reunion, I was already grappling with a lot: my mindset, my aspirations, and whether I should get closer to the family I have left or simply keep my distance while still offering support from the background. I felt that the way my family treated me wasn’t how family should be. It seemed like nobody was praying for me, and I was being dragged down a path I didn’t want to follow. During the reunion, I was overwhelmed and burst into tears, realizing how I truly felt. No one seemed to notice(Literally looking me in my eyes) until my uncle pulled me aside. He told me that this is how it would always be—nobody would care if I stayed or left, and no one would approach me to ask what was wrong or initiate a conversation. I had to make an effort with people who didn’t seem to care, which left me questioning why I should even try. I even ended up digging myself a hole trying to set something up with cousin i never was close too and based on there actions they didnt want too forreal.(Delaying giving out numbers, energy not the same like they actually want too). The atmosphere at the reunion felt like it was designed to push me away, and even my dad’s indifferent response to my question, “Is this for real?” confirmed my feelings. With most of my family living nearby, I felt constantly watched, which was a revelation I made during the reunion. This experience has affected my social circles and my ability to trust others, as it feels like they already know something about me. Now, I’m left wondering if I’m wrong for keeping to myself, watching my own back, and distancing myself from the only family I have left.