Collection of the Hopes & Fears

I am 24 years old and I have no clue what to do with my life. I have no purpose. Am I supposed to at my age? By now many of my peers have five affiliate marketing business, sipping bobo tea and driving around in their too-difficult-to-sit-down cars living the entrepreneur lifestyle. The other half of my peers could be hustling their way through another year of grunt work, paperclips and say-it-don't-spray-it teachers.

I feel like I am the one percent who constantly worries about their direction in life. I wish there was a sign that read WRONG WAY and would slap if I didn't listen because I am a stubborn human being.

I just need the extra tough love in my life. That being said, I know that I am not alone, but feeling and knowing are two different things: am I right? If you are reading this please share your story below! I would love to hear it.

I drove to Michigan on an impulse, on the verge of a snow storm with a friend who has arthritis. The job was caring for six dementia seniors: wiping them, checking on them in twenty minute rotations while cleaning the home and their wet sheets and clothes. Lifting them if they fell and knowing how to proceed afterwards. Describing this job seems exhausting and a lot of hard work, but I know it would have been worth it to see the heartwarming smile of David every night.

Here is where I went wrong. The night before my friend and bought some edibles from Exclusive, a dispensary. The dispensary is a trap like any other I will tell you with the THC of 95.35% in one set of gummies. I was in pothead heaven. I do recommend if you are in Michigan go to Exclusive their pre-rolls, edibles and little blonde brownies treats are very delicious. So delicious in fact that I ate more than I should have, maybe six out of the ten and keep in mind that one had a lower level of THC 100mg per bite. To say the least I was staring off into space and would not have known what was up or down. I took the edibles reasonably early around 4pm and I thought I could sleep it off in time for the next day at 10am.

I woke up, my eyes were bloodshot red and I was tired as ever. I was staying in the hotel that blew out cold air while outside was negative three degrees. Please imagine my stay there, it was not pleasant and I will rant about that another time. However, I did not have the best of luck sleeping. I felt like I was still a little high, but I had no choice I had to leave,

Upon my arrival, I felt out of place. For starters, there were a group of nursing school students dressed in their blue scrubs and ready to receive their lesson on clinical work of the day. There I sat with my Marvel t-shirt and green cargo pants having no intention of trying to make the world a better place. Looking at them, I was starting to give this job a second thought. Then the name call of introductions makes it way around the table finally to me and the hostess of the PowerPoint Presentation says you are supposed to be upstairs shadowing an employee, Mo. I laughed awkwardly because I started off by saying I am not interested in going to nursing school, but I am interested in working with [insert institution's name].

Between you and me, I am happy she interrupted me because now that I think about it, I had no idea what I was going to say. Probably bullshit.

Anyway, I march upstairs explain who and why I am here. Mo seems nice but tired from the morning shift already. He repeats about he had a long morning with Dawn, one of the resident. If they have a bad night then they may have a bad morning. He goes off to talk to another woman working there, so I am left alone to stare at a wall with my high brain thinking that is a good idea. There is another boy there, a newbie just starting out. It was his first day off from training and he looks like he knows what he is doing. I ask questions every now and then seeming to take interest because I do not shy away from hard work.

Newbie disappears soon after our short conversation about finding an apartment in the city. I am left alone with the residents. I feel like there is a test that I must have failed. Russ was on the couch vomiting up his meds and Jeff was in front of me coughing up a lung, but it wasn't consistent enough to worry almost like he wanted attention. I wanted to help them both, but I wasn't sure I should touch them. I wasn't qualified and wasn't trained in caregiving, I was only supposed to be there SHADOWING. I gave Jeff some advice, if he put his arms up it would help with the cough, that was all the help I was comfortable to give. After staring at them both hopelessly I let the music that was playing in the background help soothe my worries away. I started to dance. I started to dance two residents needed my help continue to sit there in peril.

A couple more minutes passed and I was hoping one of the caregivers would come out. My hope was granted both of them came out running as if they were watching me on the camera dance on the residents graves. Then, they wished me my best and said I could leave now. From my perspective, I had failed the test and would not be receiving a call back.

From the perspective of my 25 year old arthritis friend when I told her the story, she said there was no test and if there was what can I do about it now? It is over and done with so stop bringing it up.

She is right. There was nothing I could do, out of my control. However, I could learn to leave my high brain at home and learn from this lesson. Do not take edibles before an interview or any meeting that determines your path.

Which brings me here: writing my confessions to an audience who understands my pain or writing to no one at all because that is a possibility to and I am okay with that. Everyone is critic now anyways...teehee.

I'm tired of watching famous people on TV. Not that I want to be famous; I just want to find my path. Apparently, being a caretaker, a teacher or volunteer does not work for me. I want to have a purpose like Ellen Pompeo being on Grey's Anatomy for decades I mean the commitment! She did not quit. She was casted and said I am never letting this role end and here we are 2022 still making episodes like The Simpsons. Truly amazed I will say.

If you are reading this comment your thoughts and have a wonderful day! Thanks for reading my rant.