Closing of a Chapter

Today was supposed to be my 8th year anniversary.

I broke up with my partner. I ended our vows. I had my reasons and some people in our church would say that I was in the wrong.

However, as today passed, I felt anger and sadness... and finally peace.

I felt anger at myself.

I was no longer the "good Christian girl" who kept her mouth shut.

I was no longer the "good partner" who measured every word carefully.

I took the fall. I became the "bad guy." And I am SO glad that I did.

I'm glad that now I know that I can call the cops when our little ones are left unattended in a vehicle while a parent "runs into the store real quick."

I'm glad that now I can allow the children to come to me in the bedroom when they have nightmares.

I'm glad that now I can allow the children to eat as much as they want to of their safe foods while happily coaxing them to add to their list of safe foods.

I'm glad that now I can now breathe in my own home without fear of the yelling, screaming, objects flying, or being slammed into out of rage.

I'm glad that I can have the property safe for our little ones without fear of oil and antifreeze left out in unsealed containers begging a 2-3 and 4-5 year old to please come partake in the goodness left unattended.

I'm glad that now I get to have help and support without being told that I am "scamming the system" with my disability... tasks that I, at various times, need support with were simply my job after all... a good Christian wife takes care of the home and the meals and the housework and the schooling and doesn't need help filling paperwork out or organizing structure into life and it does not matter if she has a disability. In fact, her disability simply matches his mental health struggles even though he can hold down a full time job while she cannot - even if it would be amazing to say that she could!

I'm glad that now I am free to pursue my business without being told that I need to cater to the ideas of those who are "better off" than me and can focus on the people that deserve to hear my message of hope. Those among us who have felt as alone and uncared for as I have felt in a system full of people who are supposed to be all good, yet as with every line of work... there are some rotten apples in the field of health care.

I'm glad that now my kid's father is stepping up for leading them in Sabbath school lessons, doing meal prep, doing homework, and learning to be completely responsible for his own actions instead of expecting me to do everything.

I'm glad that now I get a break from the endless to do list to go do things with my friends - like ceramics and hiking - without being told how much I am inconveniencing my family or having to beg for him to watch our little ones.

I'm glad that now his family is accommodating our children's allergies - and that now if they don't, I won't be the one punished by doctors and CPS removing them from my care. Now, the responsibility lies squarely on his shoulders where it should have rested for our entire partnership.

I'm glad that now I know better than to not call the cops when I am in pain after being slammed against the door or when the doctor's ask me if I really just fell or when my mental health worker asks why my cheek is so red. I'm glad that I learned that I have more value than just a "good Christian wife" keeping her partner's secrets.

I did a number of things wrong in my partnership. And I have no intention of repeating them.

The next guy? He had better never lay a hand on me. He had better never chase my kids, screaming in fear of the "bad man," into the kitchen and try to shove past me to get to them while mocking my threat to call the cops if he doesn't go outside to cool his temper down.

I have learned to never buy property and share in communal assets with another person.

I have learned that I should have allowed the house to go into foreclosure each and every time that I had to squeeze all of the necessities (mortgage, utilities, bills) out of my disability check instead of only being responsible for my legally sustained portion.

I have learned that I cannot wait on another person to get anything done as a favor. I have learned that every favor has strings. I have learned that my ability to trust anyone to actually do anything is right around zero. I have learned to always have a backup plan for my backup plan.

I am no longer the "good Christian wife."

I am now the woman who values her time, her energy, and her peace.

I am now the woman who can prioritize her health without shame and create a safe space for the little's to start healing.

I am now single. And thankful that I survived. Thankful for safety plans. Thankful that the Judge assured me that there were legitimate concerns... even if I didn't have quite enough evidence because our faith frowned on involving law enforcement in family matters... I would not have wanted to waste the court's time.

I am choosing gratitude for the things my ex-partner gave to me today: 2 beautiful children, the opportunity to own my own home (because originally the banks didn't want to lend money to someone with a disability... I found a better bank! *smile*), the knowledge of what to walk away from the first time it happens because it will never be the last time otherwise, and the continued force to have me learn to handle the system even while it goes against everything I used to believe.

I am glad that my ex-partner has found a better path where he can look in the mirror and live with his own monsters. I am glad that he has gotten help and pray that our children will never hear him say that he wants to kill himself ever again. I am glad that I was able to be the bad guy to help his life improve.

I am glad that my ex-partner's family has learned to appreciate our little blessings.

I feel like I should hate him... hate them. But, no... I only hate myself for not seeing 3 years ago that it was going to get so much worse. Yet, I love that I was loyal enough to paint pink skies at sunrise to cover up all of the blue. I love that I was strong enough to omit the outright truth to my workers - and I love that I was strong enough to leave when my kid's desperately needed stability even if certain department heads think that I should've stayed until I or one of the little's were hurt badly enough to need hospitalization.

Today is the close to a chapter of sacrificing myself... and the beginning of a chapter of embracing the woman that I am meant to become. I only pray that the woman I am meant to be is pleasing in my Lord's eyes.