Change: an Inspiration

In the beginning, beginning of what, you ask? That’s hard to say, for sure. There has been numerous, too many to count, “beginnings” in my life. On the same token, just as many endings. Throughout my existence, I have been forced to stop, look around, and look in the rearview of my life. The universe, at times, saw fit to present me with a reckoning; thrusting upon me the need to evaluate myself. Ultimately, at the crux of each of these trials, I found myself at a crossroads, with multiple paths and choices I could take. Naturally, some were good decisions, while others—well, you know.

Odd as it may seem, as time passed, I could see patterns. Repeats. Cycles. I could see, essentially, the equation of my life. More on that, later. Shortly after this revelation, I could attribute certain “times,” or even down to a specific month that was cursed for me. I know, at times, I must laugh at myself at how absurd that sounds. Ponder this. If you, but yet, change your perspective; perhaps, though, so too, will what is absurd?

This is the first beginning I will mention in this tragic tale of suffering. Oh, don’t misconstrue. It started out all rainbows and sunshine. Brings to mind a certain someone’s promise that after he had brought the storm that purged, the present day would be bright, and the flood shall never return. My point? My days of sunshine and rainbows has always been preceded by a storm, a flood. Sometimes I have drowned and sometimes risen above. This is all me just saying I’ve had a number of these storms, floods; real or perceived, during my time on Earth. I fear I am getting off course. The first cursed month of mine was April—the first beginning.

As tempting, though it seems, I must not turn this into a novel. Well, maybe for the time being. I said this was a tale of suffering, right? Let us not cast my shadows in too much light. Before I get into that, I need to make a point known. There is no light without dark and vis a vis. My life has seen both heaven and hell and has cycled. For this tale, we shall explore the darkness. What I call my Abyss.

Surely, it’s a given, the first time I visited that dark place, saturated in despair, its sticky tendrils caressing me, seducing me into a comfort of never wanting to leave; the seed had to have been planted at some point. As I mentioned before, this first seed was implanted in April. Which April, you ask? Come now, let’s not worry ourselves over frivolous details. It’s no surprise, a cliché really, that this first seed would be sowed by the hand of a teenage romance. One that, I can say now, was drug out way past the point it should have been. Here I am getting ahead of myself. After three break ups, a prophetic dream overseas, and a “What happens in Vegas…” event, all of which, with my “first love,” the month of November was clearly the cursed one, not April. A famous song by one of my favorite bands would essentially be my life’s theme song for many a year afterwards. Oh, when it rains, it pours, and so was my Novembers filled with floods. Ironic, don’t you think? The month of gratitude and thankfulness. Thanksgiving.

Let us take a moment, here. The floods of November that I have waded, swam, and held on fast, through the rapids, through, have indeed, made me stronger. Taught me lessons. Forged me. November is the month of thanksgiving, after all, I believe an expression of gratitude is, in order. November, let me thank you, for that which you have taken and, at times, so graciously bestowed upon me: two break-ups with “old what’s her name,” thirty days sobriety, then that apparently wasn’t enough, later, November, you would steal six years of it; I’m becoming stronger. Thank you so much November, for all the loved ones, for all my loved one’s loved ones that are gone under your moon. I really owe it to you for overseeing my wife walking out on me, why? So only, later, the virgin star can take her away from this world, anyway? Yes, Sha, my baby, sweet November, my love, thank you for making me stronger. Ah, but yes, a rose for November.

I was going to ask her hand in marriage. I had it all planned. I think that was my first mistake. Plans hardly ever pan out. That’s neither here nor there. All I know, is that what came next was the plummet to the depths of darkness. I teetered at the edge for a while. There was something keeping me from the brink. But this is a tragedy, right? This is all about poor me, so pour me. I can only speak for myself, when there’s a hole in my soul, I tend to fill it with something. That something can be healthy or not. My spirit didn’t care. It needed to be whole. Regardless, of what it was that plugged the hole. Alcohol had always been my poison of choice. When “what’s her face” left, I filled the loneliness with drink. Looking at it later, it wasn’t the loneliness I was trying to fill. I mean, come on. Pouring liquor on your ulcer, Ed? You can fool others, but seriously, bruh? The one you always lie to, isn’t the one you are fooling. I didn’t want to feel. I was so tired of feeling. I tend to be more sensitive than most. When I feel. I feel. And let me tell you, that is a blessing and a curse. Sometimes I’m inclined to think more of the latter.

That fateful night in Las Vegas, left my heart shattered. My purity, my innocence was tainted. Light was overshadowed by dark. Hate, rage, and regret consumed me. I lost not only faith in humanity, but in myself. Letting go of all light, I embraced the dark, I welcomed my demon. For what is our dark side? It’s not necessarily evil. Yet, it’s only the part of ourselves we do not want to face, to admit. In some instances, on the contraire, it’s what we need. I recently learned this lesson from my twin phoenix. My sweet, Bennu, my best friend. But, back to the dark. My soul brother, rest your soul, wherever you are, I miss you dearly. “Burns,” devil. You were my anchor during my first foray into the darkness.

Brother, you were my shoulder I had cried endlessly on. Leaning over the barracks balcony, feeding my ulcers with poison upon poison. You didn’t judge. You didn’t try to stop. You were, simply, there. You always knew what to say and exactly when I needed to hear it. The guilt that had consumed me when I felt the oppressing shame of becoming undeployable for our unit’s second tour. The guilt of being shipped to a different unit and deploying with them. It was acidic. It eroded me, shamed me. “Gas, Gas!” we would say, because it was literally toxic. Yet, where was my gas mask for all of this. My metaphorical MOPP suit, per se. And honestly, I’ve never recovered. One of my most cherished memories, was the night I returned stateside from my second deployment. Unlike, the first deployment, I had someone waiting to welcome me home. Dirty Sanchez, you had a pint of my favorite waiting on me when I got back to base, one hundred proof Southern Comfort.

“We ain’t leaving ‘til that’s gone.” You told me as you handed me the bottle.

I don’t know about the others, my brother, yet knowing that you harbored no resentment for my self-perceived betrayal, made forgiving myself that much easier. Even before, I had come to reach that point, years it would take, in fact, just knowing how you saw it, was a comfort. Just know, that I love you, brother. You will always be in my heart, until we meet, once again, in Valhalla.

I flirted with the darkness for a while. I built a wall keeping everyone and everything out. Relationships became a casual affair. Anger, mistrust, and misanthropy became my crutch. It was my shield. My shield against pain. A common theme, life can’t seem to give me enough of that. After that fateful night, I made a vow to myself, that I would never let anyone in again. Never again, would I feel the bittersweet point of betrayal’s blade. Its cold, numbing steel slipping between the cracks in my ribs, piercing my heart from the back.

Before I lost my clasp, and slipped completely into my Abyss, the universe dangled before me one last thread of light. If, at the time, the universe was truly offering me salvation, or merely, teasing me with bait at the end of its pole, false hope, I suppose, that all depends on perspective. This shining beacon of hope took on the form that of an angel. Engaging conversation over drinks of Irish whiskey, dancing under the stars in the desert, Carrie, I still hold firm, your eyes shone brighter than those star-littered skies. I could just gaze into those emerald jades and lose all cares and worries. It took no time, at all, for me to fall in love. What was there to not love? There was no breaking down of my walls, or some sudden explosion, or an array of fireworks when you entered my heart. It happened quietly, unexpectedly. It was as if, you were supposed to be there, therefor, you were there. My natural response, at the time, would have been to panic, and start resisting. I had been quietly disarmed. I surrendered to the feeling, and a peace soon followed. I could see the fringes of my Abyss slowly, but perpetually, becoming alit.

The universe did not wait long to start its game. I soon learned that I would be deploying, once again. It tore me apart, knowing that I would be leaving you behind. I couldn’t leave, now. Not after finding, you, my angel. Yet, the loving universe, in all its splendor and wisdom, saw a need to take it further. Before departing the sands of our homeland, I was hit with another curve ball. I was told you were sleeping, and they did not know if or when you would wake up. You were in a coma. The roads were icy, and an out-of-control vehicle hit you on your side. I was devastated; fear gripped me. I became angry and lost. My thoughts overseas, were consumed by you. How I longed, how I yearned, to return to your side. To give, my beauty, a kiss to arouse her from her slumber.

For months, I called, in hopes to hear your sweet voice. For months, the agonizing counting of rings, tortured my soul before going to voicemail. Then the day came. Your voice on the other end as you answered the phone. I couldn’t stop it. The floodgates opened. Falls cascaded from my blues tracing their way down my cheeks, leaving lines etched in salt. I remember the way you would wipe my tears with your thumb. Licking your finger free of the tear, you would tell me that it was your way of sharing my pain. Ten thousands of miles apart, even though you couldn’t reach to wipe my tears, you still managed to get them to subside. The relief I had felt at hearing your voice, knowing that you were okay, it was all palpable.

After a time, things were somehow, different. Something had changed. Someone. It was me. For the longest time, I could never place exactly what it was. Today, I see it clear as day. During the time of our silence, I had eventually let go. I released all hold on the light. I succumbed to the call of the darkness and slid unabated into the depths of my Abyss. When what shred of light, that was left, was released, you, my angel, went with.

Thus, began my journey through the depths of despair. Shadows and demons were my companions, my company. My heart had become carbonized in stone. I became numb to the world. Hate, anger, and rage became my fuel. When pain’s corrosiveness threatened to eat at me, I was quick to neutralize and numb it with another dose of medicine. Sometimes even that wasn’t enough. Resentment and regret had become the theme of my days.

Not long after returning stateside from my second tour, I found myself, with a gracious ticket to recovery. My superiors were not fooled. It was quite apparent my life had become unmanageable. I was so lost in the darkness; I was in dire need of some type of intervention. Naturally, it’s almost a given, I initially resisted. Slowly, my mind and my eyes opened, and I would give abstinence my honest and full effort. What is it that Bill’s friends used to tell me?

“Half measures availed us, nothing?”

A month had passed, and my old friend, November, was back around for another visit. I was having one of my meltdowns. I dared not pick up that heavy phone, lest someone tried to stop me from what I had planned. Thirty days of sobriety were gone, from just one sip of that old comfort. From that first drink, it was off to the races. Boy, did I feel so small, so shameful, that next groggy morn. So, weak, I had saw myself. From that point, I regrouped, redoubled my efforts of navigating the steps to a higher purpose. For six Novembers, I would be clean, free of poison in my veins.

It was glorious, what fate had in store, just around the corner. The beginning of Earth’s next revolution saw me face to face with a goddess. My Aphrodite. When she ensnared my heart, there was no subtlety, no quietness, or finesse. My love, you brought my walls crashing down and stormed in like you owned the place. At the time, you were everything I needed. I was a broken soul, my wings had been clipped, I was a ragged old cloth tattered in shreds. You, love, were my saving grace. You saved me from myself. You lent me your wing, that we could soar the skies of freedom together. You filled the voids of my heart with the abundant love from your own. You took my hand in marriage. Blessed me with two beautiful and precious children. Gift upon gift, blessing upon blessing, you filled my soul with light. The light that was needed to stave off the darkness. It was truly a golden age of my time here on Earth.

Then came the eleventh month of the eleventh year. This time, seemingly bored with me, my old friend, November, found it necessary to play its game with you. That which what was most dear to you was stolen. This was the moment that everything changed. It was this moment I took the fall, yet, once more. A fallen angel was I, one more time. Oh, phoenix within, why do you not hear my cries? What followed was a decade of decadence and decayance. My spirit slowly drained, siphoned by the ravenous succubant demons that kept me company in the pits of despair.

Ah, but that wasn’t the end of your shenanigans, November. Your slap was followed by a backhand, you weren’t satisfied with what you took. So, you took even more. Six years of being dry, being sober and clean. You took that too, didn’t you? When will you be satisfied, centaur, agent hunter of the stars? How much more will you ask of me to give? How much stronger must I become? And to what purpose? I am not some puppet to be dangled by destiny’s threads. I am not a toy for the stars’ amusement.

It would be another decade, archer, before you returned requiring another sacrifice. I returned home from work to a half-empty house and a note on the coffee table. I didn’t make it all the way through, before my entire being was snatched from my body. My world collapsed. I felt so empty and void, and instantly numb to the world. In my eyes, my life was over. In a single moment, I was back on my throne in the Abyss. Your letter said that for the longest time we had all been unhappy. It took me a while to realize that you were not just speaking of you and the kids. You saw the unhappiness making its home within me, as well. I had given up myself during our time together, and afterwards, I was never the same, I was no longer the real me. Later, I realized that your decision was what was best for us all. A lesson, I fear, that arrived too late.

The ten months that followed November’s last straw were filled with growth, lessons, and change. That is not to say that this time has not been filled with struggles and trials of its own. It is said that to forge a powerful weapon, it must first be tempered, in the most intense of heat and flames. My world had been burned to the ground. I had but only two options. Lay down, give up, and be swallowed into the Abyss. Or become the phoenix, my soul so desperately cried out for. To rise from the ashes, a better, more beautiful me. So, I rose. I spread my flaming wings and took to the freedom of the skies.

Along this latest journey of mine, souls have entered and exited my life. All of which have helped me along the way. I have learned, my eyes opened, light has been shone. These encounters, no matter how short or long-lived, have seen me to grow and strengthen. For the sake of this tale, one such soul stands out. Oh, glorious Bennu, my sweet twin phoenix. The intense inferno that is your soul, how it so fanned the flames of the blaze of my own heart. It was true serenity, the calming peace of that tumultuous storm. You were my best friend. It is my strongest belief, as it will become evident for my own self, that the greatest lessons and gifts we receive are from our best friends.

My friend, before we get to your most profound lesson and gift, let us peer into the looking glass, indulge me, as we explore the yesteryears. November, I’m talking to you, too, you know? Thanksgiving? It would appear I do owe you, my thanks. If not for you, I would not have come to see this. Let us turn our gaze back to the past. I need to take this time to express my deepest gratitude, for the most profound lessons, gifts, and transformations due to their presence on my journey.

My brother in Valhalla. You took a piece of me when you ventured to those gates. My best friend, my brother, I love you. Thank you for being my anchor in my war within. Thank you for showing me how to use my pain. Thank you for showing me I had the strength. Thank you for showing me how to forgive myself. “Here’s an AP brush…,” you would always tell me.

My goddess, my Aphrodite, my wife. My best friend. I love you and I always will. Thank you for healing my heart. Thank you for showing me how to love again. Thank you for making me complete. Thank you for our two precious children. Most of all, thank you, for allowing me to save myself. Thank you for the gift of allowing me to chase my happiness. Thank you, pumpkin muffin, for loving me.

Bennu, my best friend, let us return to my true awakening brought on by you. I will always cherish the friendship we shared. Twin phoenix, when our paths crossed in the skies, the cosmos reverberated from the explosion. During our flight through the Jetstream, I learned so much from you. My eyes were opened to things I never dreamed. My growth, my strengthening, was exponential. It was as if I could see everything all at once. Nothing was hidden. I could see all of life’s variables. This was the equation of life, I mentioned before. I could see why everything in my life equaled to what it had become. Your blaze combined with my inferno saw my spirit tempered and forged like no other time. Before we parted ways in the sky, you left me what will serve as my most needed and at the time it was needed lesson of all. You already know of this, my friend, so it bares not mentioning. Albeit, thank you, oh, phoenix, my best friend.

What came next changed everything.

Before that, though, lets take a step back and look up to the stars. Centaur, where are you? Oh, but what is this? It’s not November? Do my eyes deceive me? Is that the virgin, I see? Virgo? That’s right, I do recall having a birthday recently. Et tu, September, my guiding star? Oh, how I want to rest in slumber until you are done wreaking havoc on my soul. Please, wake me up, when you leave.

Oh, sweet September, let me thank you, now. For all these birthday gifts you’ve bestowed upon me. Bennu flew to other skies. Happy Birthday. The mother of my children, my best friend, you took her from a life of happiness. Happy Birthday. My two precious kids, bless their hearts, you stole from them their mother. Happy Birthday. Oh, but where I come from, we celebrate birthdays all month, don’t we? So of course, the virgin’s heart of purity knows no bounds, so the gifts keep coming. My brother, you took his best friend, his companion. You relieved me of a sister. Happy Birthday.

I have, yet one more thanks to make. The mother of my children, my best friend, I still love you and I always will. I never stopped. I told you once, one of the many reasons I loved you was that you made me want to be a better person. My dear, even from amongst the stars, I feel that inspiration.

Oh, how easy it would be to fall back into the darkness. The bittersweet comfort of the familiar. How tempting, it is, to label you, my sweet September another curse. To blame you, for everything that is wrong. I’m talking to you too, Centaur. Carried on the wings of epiphanies and awakenings, I have come to see the bigger picture. I have seen and analyzed my equation from angle upon angle. That is when it became clear. Change a variable, change the equation. A lesson I have learned time after time, is the only thing I can really change is myself. And by changing my perspective, I in turn change myself, and ultimately, change the equation.

November, when I stopped looking at everything you took, or the pain you instilled. When I changed my perspective, I was able to see all the new beginnings and blessings you had brought. My Aphrodite, she was born in November. Other loved ones came to this Earth under your moon. November you granted me the beginning of six years sobriety. November, you saw me receive my first tattoo. Funny part about that, “What’s her face?” was there with me for it. Quite poetically fitting, that the tattoo was a succubus.

September. You brought me to this planet. You saw me graduate from training. You saw me start college. Virgo, our time together has mostly been fond memories. So why, now, do you hurt me, so? When my eyes opened, from yet, another perspective, I knew the answer. Remember when I told you that my greatest lessons and gifts were given to me by my best friends? What soul is there better suited to be a best friend, than my guiding star?

Queen of the Stars, my best friend, I love you. I finally see. Through my journey, the stars have been guiding me and strengthening me. For the universe, does have a purpose in store. Virgo, my star, it was only you who could deliver me unto the most blazing and raging of infernos. Inflict me with the most pain so I may be tempered into what I need to become. Your boundless love kept you from allowing anyone else to rake me through the coals. Thank you for preparing me. It was you who wanted to see me grow the most, thus, it was you that gave me that lesson.

The moment I realized this was the moment that everything changed. By changing the variable, I changed the equation, in effect, I changed my life. Getting to this point was quite the journey. I have had nudging hands and grasping ones along the way. Each encounter always for the better. I have gained and lost as well. Life is about balance. It’s central to everything. There is no light without dark, vis a vis. So too, there is no happiness without pain. One can’t exist without the other. If the Balance, is to be believed, my happiness should be in proportion to my pain. If that’s true, then I can feel assured, like I have said and heard since my new journey, “No matter what happens, everything is going to be, okay.”