Can you keep a Secret?

I start my day with wonder in my mind and a sensation of worrying. Will someone blow my cover? Will I have to pretend I’m someone who I am not? Will I have to lie ? Will I have to think of a way out of being accused that I am a homosexual! Starting off with the choice of clothing tells a lot about an individual. My ideal outfit everyday consists of 501 Levi jeans, White t-shirt , Black windbreaker, and Black low cut vans with white crew Nike socks. Although based on what is considered gay, I would love to wear some distressed light blue jeans with a black t-shirt to portray my feminine side. Knowing that I can’t let that side of myself be known willingly I hold back hurting myself deep inside. Going with the grain can be a struggle as if I did not choose to hide my sexuality all through out elementary school, junior high , and highschool here I am dressing as normal as can be to distract any attention brought to me. I quickly get myself together and head out the door to a family gathering.

Dispite people knowing what my sexuality may be, I have to much pride to disclose any information to anyone. Even family, I’ve came to realization that my family isn’t so understanding of the new generation of young adults that choose to be different. My family and I all head out the door into our family mini van. Mom , Dad, Derek (oldest brother) , Katie (oldest sister), Sonia (younger sister) , and I all fastened our seat belts and headed of to the party.

After a long 45 mins of country music playing in the distance from my dads CD collection we arrive at the party. I see my relatives all gathered around a bonfire eating and chatting amongst themselves. My cousin Irma has been my closest to me for all I can remember growing up so we share secrets with each other and trust each other with our lives.

“Hey Ray, how’s it going you punk” says Irma.

“Hello to you too punk” I said.

My parents look at us as we are enemies and doesn’t see our sarcasm and unnecessary jokes. My brother and sisters all walk off and greet my relatives as soon as we walk in the door.

Irma and I stay out front and chat about what’s new and what’s the scoop. As soon as my family went inside, Irma shows me her Instagram account and begins talking about all these closet guys that are too afraid to come out of the closet . I have a gut feeling Irma knows I’m gay because of the people I have been following on Instagram. So as she rambled along about these closeted guys I began to get angry and said

“ Don’t you think that it is not anyone’s business to be telling who’s gay or straight”

Irma turns to me puffed up and heated and says “well aren’t you defending these fags.”

I choke on my words and couldn’t speak, my hands started to tremble and I begin with “yes , yes I am defending them because I am a fag as well then.”

Irma is shocked and doesn’t speak. She got up turned her back towards me and walks away. I sit there wearing will she tell anyone? Will I have to worry about what I just said? What must I do? I quickly ran into my families minivan and sat there waiting all night for my family to get back in to head home. No sign of Irma no text from her, will she tell anyone? I text her phone and said hey. The whole ride home I was wearing what will she think of me? Suddenly as we arrive at home Irma text back and says it’s OK I already knew I just wanted you to tell me face-to-face, it may have shock to me but I still love you. Oh night I was wondering what she just saying that because I’m her cousin? Will I have to say anything back? I left it as is and began to worry.

Sitting there in my room all distressed and at point blank on what I just did tonight had me restless. I climbed out on my roof and sat looking at the stars thinking can you keep a secret? Counting stars I fall asleep,

A day in my shoes, Can be a long journey amongst many young men. As I ponder on many individuals can you keep a secret? Can I trust you with my life to be able to tell you my deepest secret? It always ends with a question.