Can I Touch your hair?

We started talking on a dating app, that rhymes with the word Minder. After a few weeks of back and forth messaging she gave me her number. It started out casual, and our communications would consist of memes or funny situations shared from our daily lives but, There was one night where the conversation jumped to a deeper topic. She shared a meme with a Pokémon on it and that started a 7-hour text conversation about the intricate nature of the Pokémon world. I admitted to her that one of the reasons I majored in Animal science was because of this game, and that most people I talked to thought that it was weird.

She told me that “it’s not weird at all, I actually think it’s really cool!”

We hadn’t met in person but after that conversation, I asked her if she would like to get coffee with me sometime. She said yes to the date, but she suggested that we go to a new wine bar that’d had just opened downtown instead. I was ecstatic.

I got to the bar early and ordered a flight of different wines. She showed up right on time. She saw the wine and thanked me for ordering. She told me her favorite was white wine but she she grabbed the Merlot from the flight, and said

"to trying new things"

We clinked glasses. We had our initial conversation about our day, and what we had planned for the weekend but then she asked,

“can I touch your hair?”

I am usually uncomfortable when people ask this, because of how frequently it happens from complete strangers, but she was nice, and I kind of knew her.

I replied “uhm, yeah sure”

She reached across the table to grab my hair

“it so wooly and coarse” she said gleefully “uh thanks” I said.

“my friend Regine is black too and she has really curly hair” she said as she ran her fingers through my locks”, “yeah that’s common for us” I replied sarcastically.

“do you know her?” she asked

“no “I replied

There was an awkward silence for a few seconds and she withdrew from atop my head and wiped her hands on her jeans. The conversation returned to a normal discussion and we talked for a few hours about our hobbies, our love for hiking and the outdoors.

Eventually the conversation turned back to our talk about Pokémon. She told me her favorite aspects of the game, but then we started talking about the newer games, and our dislike for the additions the creators had added.

“I always hated the Pokémon fashion shown. They were so boring” she exclaimed

“I really don’t like how you can only pick a white character as your avatar, I wish they had more options for customization” I said

“I don’t really see that as that big of an issue I mean I don’t think they are even white. the game is from Japan, and anyway you’re playing a Pokémon trainer” she replied

“yeah but there are also no black people in the game. And representation is nice—” I said

“not everything has to be so PC “she interrupted “like I think our generation is to sensitive about that stuff”

“I don’t think it’s a generational issue” I said.

There was another awkward silence and she changed the topic to something else. I found out that she was going back to school for nursing and that she was currently living at her parent’s house. She told me that made her a loser, but I assured her it’s a cheap way to go to school and dormitories are a scam. She laughed and took a sip of her wine. I paid for the bill when the check arrived, and she said she would get me next time. At some point she put her hand on mine and we enjoyed the rest of the night.

The next day I wondered if we would have another date sometime, she said a few awkward things, but she was nice, and I was excited to see her again. She texted me in the afternoon and asked if I would want to go on a hike that weekend. I excitedly said yes, and we agreed on a hiking spot she knew near her house.

We hiked at the break of dawn and finished around noon, and while we were walking to the parking spot, she told me that she wanted to treat me to lunch, since I paid for the wine the other night. I was hungry and excited to spend more time with her, so I said yes. The restaurant was close to the hiking area, so she offered to drive us over, and that she promised to return me back to my car after lunch. While we were on our way, and she realized that she hadn’t brought her wallet with her on the hike. I told her I could pay this time.

“Nah ah boy this gone be on me” she said in her best “urban accent”

Another awkward silence ensued, and she told me that her parent’s house wasn’t that far away, and it would take 2 minutes.

We drove up to her house and as we hit the driveway, I saw the color leave her face.

“my parents are home “she said quietly

“Well that would make sense. it is their house” I said Jokingly

She ignored my joke and said “they weren’t supposed to be home until 4”

“we’ll be quick” I replied assumingly

“you can’t go inside. I … Uh forgot to mention. my parents are really racist. and I could get in trouble.” She explained.

I was silent as I tried to comprehend what she was telling me

“you’ll have to wait in the car I’ll park , so they don’t see you” She said.

She left the car and went inside. It had only been a few minutes but waiting in the car felt like hours. I was thinking about what could happen to me in the situation. If the Dad saw me would he call the cops, or would he come out and deal with me himself? What level of racist were they. Were they off comments here and there or were they burn a cross on your lawn kind of racists. I had no way to know what was happening s. At one point her mom came around the backside of the house to water the plants. I ducked down out of her view and crouched on the floor of the car. It was hot outside, so the car was heating up and I was getting covered in sweat. Eventually her mom and after 30 minutes she returned the car and laughed when she saw me crouched under the seat.

“whatcha doing under there” she asked with a smile on her face

“I’m hiding from your parents; your mom came out and watered the plants” I replied

“oh ok” she said

She got back in the car and started to talk about how controlling her parents were, and I just sat silently. As we were coming back around the hiking spot, I turned to her.

“I don’t think I’m feeling up for lunch. can you just take me to my car” I asked?

She sighed and said “I just went through all that trouble to get my wallet and now your bouncing ok”

“I just feel really sick and should probably get to my house” I exclaimed

She nodded in agreement and drove me to the parking space. I got out and waved her goodbye as she drove away. She seemed irritated at me, but I didn’t feel like spending lunch with her after the house debacle.

She reached out a couple times after that to try to reschedule for another lunch, but I was always to busy with work, or I had a family thing, or my roommate’s pug was sick. I just couldn’t see myself hanging out with her after that incident. I stopped replying to her after a while and moved on. A Few years later I found out that she had started dating one of my white coworkers. I talked to him about her and he kept going on and on about how great she was. I told him I went on a few dates with her awhile back but I eventually stopped talking to her. He told me he was really nervous to meet her parents this week.

"do you know anything about them?" he asked

It hit me in that moment that if I had continued dating her there would probably never be a point in our relationship where I would of met her parents. She was open to going on dates with me but I'm not sure if it would of turned into anything other than dates...She was just trying it out if you will.

I smiled at him and said " I don't know to much about them but I do know they do not like Merlot"