But you’re so pretty!!

I’ve always been a “pretty girl” to people. Some even say beautiful. My energy can be radiant, and I’m always mindful of how I make people feel. I’ve l learned to be this way, mostly by experience. Growing up I was extremely sensitive. My family would yell at me and tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself. I hated that feeling because I knew that when I was sad, it was different for me. I’d feel it in my whole body. In my bones and muscles. Once I became an adult and went through some more traumatic experiences, I learned that mental health was the underlying issue for me. Most people will look at me and assume I have it all together. I’m not always talkative so it comes off rude. Now what almost anyone around me doesn’t know is I suffer from depression, anxiety and panic disorder. So when I’m quietly biting my nails or shaking my leg, I’m trying to contain the feeling of everything in the moment. I do not have the ability to maintain friendships or relationships. I’m not rude I’m afraid!! I am not just deciding to not engage. My anxiety just pauses me. I have come across some people in my life who have not made that any easier. I feel pain differently than the people who have been around me. Because of this, and the overwhelming desire for someone to love me willingly I have become a doormat. I have accepted abuse physically, mentally and emotionally. And I fought and worked to keep those people, because in my mind, if I could convince them I was enough then I would win. Little did I know how much I was losing. Every time I allowed someone to mistreat me, I lost a little bit of myself and my mind. And when I do walk away , finally, I still will be the one taking it so hard. Mostly because, I know it’s not good for me but going back to that lonely feeling, scares me more than tolerating the abuse. Those feelings are normal to me. I grew up with them. But being lonely is my biggest fear and my greatest reality. And boy, do those panic attacks know exactly when to hit you. I know most times my reactions are not normal, and no matter how much I try to tell myself that, I never win. I still go through the painful, miserable moments. So, see when I meet people who want to be in my life, I have to tell them the ugly truth, because I no longer have anything left for someone to take. And even when you’re honest, you still have to be careful. Because some people will literally enter your life to trigger you. And these are mostly people with mental health issues that they refuse to address. So they manipulate and project all their insecurities onto someone they feel is weaker than they are. I’m a mom of three (one special needs) and half the time I barely have the energy for them. Especially when something that my brain registers as traumatic, happens. People say they support you when you explain these things to them. But when the times comes you’re left to deal with it by yourself. That can add to already overwhelming feeling of loneliness. I put the energy I have into caring for my children, and once the day is over there is nothing for me. I’m drained. So how do you take care of yourself and not be selfish to your kids? Right now I can’t figure it out. What people see as a pretty girl who can have her way, I see myself as someone incapable of being loved. Pretty can’t help me here.