Brother in Need

I know this will get a lot of hate and, yes, I deserve it. I am not looking for any validation or forgiveness. I know I am a piece of human trāsh.

I just need to get this out.

I have a brother who is two years older than me. He has suffered from a condition since birth that forces him to be in a wheelchair anytime he is out of bed. He cannot use his arms that well either.

We used to have a great relationship until I turned 11 and I really started resenting the amount of attention he took from my parents. And how much stress he put them under.

I had to constantly help him, change him, feed him. I hated it.

There was a few years in his life when he was so mean to my parents and it really made me realize now that I had no right to judge him and I will never know how difficult life is for him.

I stopped hanging out with him and made more friends at school. I would tell my family all the fun I was having at school during dinner to make him feel bad.

I started barely talking to him or acknowledge his presence. He would get frustrated to the point of tears to get my attention.

It started escalating two years ago when I would purposely turn off the wifi and unplug the tv every time we had to leave the house so my brother would do nothing but sit in his wheelchair.

I would purposely delete his favourite saved shows on the DVR. I would make fun of his speech. Push things just out of his reach.

I would act disgusted when I had to change or bathe him. It always made him feel bad and he would apologize. I made my own brother apologize for taking a dūmp. What is wrong with me?

But my saint of a brother never told my parents. And he never let me have it.

Three weeks ago, he was trying to talk to me non-stop and I was just ignoring him. I got annoyed and wheeled him against his wishes, to the backyard and placed him under an umbrella and went back inside. I fell asleep and realized I left him out there for three hours.

When I went to bring him back inside, he was in tears and wouldn't look at me. He was humiliated.

I have always felt guilty about how I treated my brother all these years but my anger towards him overpowered it. But seeing that look on his face affected me in a way that was different from before.

I stopped all the bullying after that day. I couldn't even look at him in the face. I was so ashamed.

Last Sunday, my brother told me he was glad I was his brother and friend. I couldn't even respond. I went to my room and cried.

I'm crying again typing this out. When did I become an evīl trāsh human being?

I'm 18 and he's 19 now. I know there is nothing I can do to make up for the past 6 years.

My brother will be returning with my mom from a specialist appointment tonight. I'm going to apologize to him and beg for his forgiveness tonight. I want to start being a decent brother to him again.

I am a healthy guy with no issues who chose to bully his only brother for something that wasn't even his fault. I am so ashamed of myself.

—THIS IS A TRUE LIFE STORY