Boobies on the Blackboard

I have always considered myself the class clown. Well, at least to me, my jokes were funny. On my tombstone, I was told, they were going to write, “He thought, he was funny.” You see, my comedy started way back in the first grade. The thought of making other people laugh was so satisfying to me. I loved being a stand up comedian. On show and tell days, I never brought anything to show, but boy, could I tell. I would talk about the weekend escapades at my house or make up some fantasy story about how Big Foot came to my window last night. The other kids ate it up. I would have them leaning forward in their tiny little chairs wanting more. It was just harmless fun. Fake spiders on desks. Making milk come out my nose. Putting chocolate cookies on bread to make my famous, cookie sandwich. Throwing up in a bowl of jelly beans at a Christmas school party. Wait, that wasn't on purpose, but that's another story. Anyway, it was all to make a person laugh. But, in every comic's life, there comes his big break. You see, that was back in the days when the bathroom was in the classroom by the door. I always dreamed about what I would do, if the teacher ever took a restroom break during class. You see, that was rare. They always waited until recess or lunch time. But they never, ever, left kids alone in the classroom for an extended amount of time. I realize now, it was probably because of kids like me. Hmmm, an awakening. Anyway, I don't know what Ms. Bondry, (name changed to protect the innocent), ate the night before, but by the way she kept grabbing her stomach, you could tell she was not feeling well that morning. Then, the unthinkable happened. "Kids, you all finish writing the alphabet. I will be right back." OMG! She went to the restroom. Slam! The bathroom door closed. I jumped out of my seat. I looked at the other kids in the room. A look of anticipation dawned on their bright little faces. I was in the spotlight. I was stunned, but then it hit me. What did I love more then Ironman? Boobies! I quickly ran to the blackboard, and began to draw the biggest pair of boobies I could. From top to bottom. From side to side. Big. Round. Huge. Boobies. You get the point. The class was in an uproar. A flush sound was heard, as I placed the chalk back on the tray underneath the blackboard, and began to fight my way through the chairs back to my desk. As I turned to sit down, my eyes met Ms. Bondry's eyes coming out of the bathroom for a split second. I sat down and the class became quiet. a few mumbles were heard as she approached the blackboard. She stood for what seemed like an hour looking at my masterpiece. My mind raced. Did she see me? Dead silence filled the air. She turned around and scanned the classroom. She passed me. Whoa! I was safe. Yippee! She scanned back in my direction. Oh no. Was I caught? "Bobby, (please do not ever call me that now or we will have a problem) did you do this?" My mouth dropped. I had no response. All of the sarcastic words, I had come to learn in my young mind had left me. But... I still had my three secret weapons to get out of any bad situation. You see, I always had a stutter. That was number one go-to plan. I began to stutter furiously, to try and get sympathy. "Kids, sit quietly. Bobby come with me." My second go-to plan was deployed. I cried like a newborn baby. There is just something about children's tears that pull at the heart strings of adults. It failed. She was really mad. I began combining one and two, but that didn't even work. If they called and told my mom what I did, I knew, I would never make it to second grade. Vergie didn't play that! I figured right then I had to go where no kid has gone before. Number three! As we approached the principle's office door. I vomited on the door, in the hallway and on Ms. Bondry. I fell to the floor like a sniper hit me. Finally, it worked. They took me to the nurse's office, and the boobies on the blackboard incident, as it was later to be called, was never spoke about again. Until now.