Bombshell

I was sexually harassed.

It is a hard thing for a woman to admit. As we hear many times, the woman, the victim questions, or possibly even blames, herself for what happened to her. The boys will be boys or the men like to look at something pretty all are phrases we have heard for decades as a way to brush off what has been said or done to us.

The challenge is that there is often no clear definition of what harassment truly is as both men and women have a different line that needs to be crossed for them to feel uncomfortable, unsure and in the end, violated and humiliated. For some it is a whistle from a construction worker. For others, such as mine, it is a promise of a better job in exchange for sexual performance.

That is where mine began. I could produce movies. Oh, and by the way, my boss really liked me and wanted to make love to me. This was in the same conversation, within a span of a few minutes. There was no way to misconstrue the meaning or the intent. And my reaction to this? Silence. I had no response. I merely got up, walked out, went to the restroom and tried very hard not to throw up.

Then I tried to convince myself that I hadn’t really heard what I knew I had heard. I told myself that if I just ignore it it will go away and never be mentioned again. He will get the message. And for a couple of months, that was what happened. I was sure my boss realized he had totally overstepped the line and we went back to our professional working relationship. I ran the day to day operations and he oversaw the business side.

But it didn’t stop. Out of the blue, another comment or proposition was made. Sometimes casually as I was making copies or sitting at my desk. And never when anyone else was around to hear.

I had no witnesses. But I did have a notebook. I wrote down each comment, date and time included. I contacted the department that handled sexual harassment in the workplace for advice. I made a list of lawyers that seemed like they may be a good fit. Then I searched the books.

In cases of sexual harassment, it tends to fall under the civil codes and not criminal unless a full assault with medical documentation or video evidence can prove it happened. Otherwise it is a he said, she said case. As the only woman in the business, there would not be other voice joining mine. I was alone and working in a male dominated industry.

I looked at the books. I needed to see the financials involved and that is where I ran into my biggest roadblock. The man, my boss, had no money of his own. It was all a neat little web of DBAs, corporations and trust accounts. There was nothing financially I could go after. And one voice alone would not bring him down. So I did the one thing in my power I could do.

I left. I quit without warning. No two week notice. No farewell party with a cake. Nothing. I went in on a Friday carrying an empty duffle bag. No one really paid attention. Throughout the course of the day, I packed up my personal belongings that I had in my office of nine years. I finished my files and other paperwork. When he went to work, I took my bag to my car. At the end of the day I handed him my keys, told him I was quitting and this was my last day.

He sputtered and tried to backpedal. He said he would leave me alone. I reminded him that he had said that before and it had been two years. (Yes, two years. This was not an easy process or decision as this was truly my dream job and ultimate career goal). I laid my keys on the desk, turned and walked out.

As I pulled out of the parking lot, I felt elated. I was finally free.

A couple of my coworkers called when they returned to work on Monday and learned the news. Shock and surprise as well as understanding were expressed. It was reported to me that my now former boss said that I could have stayed if I had just f*#@ked him every day. This reaffirmed that I had done the right thing.

After I left, the company struggled. It seems they realized how much I had truly been handling. Others were brought in to try to keep things going but eventually it closed.

I did attend his funeral. I took the chance to see some old colleagues and catch up. I did not spit on my former boss even though the urge was there. I never mentioned anything to his wife. If she didn’t know what he was like, why tell her. If she did, she accepted his ways. None of it had anything to do with me anymore.

I didn’t get rich. I didn’t make headlines. I gave up a job I loved but kept my self-respect and dignity. Each of us that finds ourselves in a similar situation needs to decide for ourselves our course of action. What can we live with and what can we live without. You can live without the harasser in your life but you have to look at yourself in the mirror for the rest of your life.